Posted in Uncategorized

Woman

Who is this woman I see?
Who is this woman that she has become?

I do not recognize this glow in her eyes,
Or this confidence that was once nowhere in site

Who is this woman I see?
Who is this woman staring at me?

Before there was this little girl trapped in the darkness of her past,
Trying to convince herself that the pain would somehow pass.

If she stayed distracted, she wouldn’t have to admit she was hurting.
Ironically, it only prolonged her suffering.

But that little girl no longer hides within the shadows.
She walks with elegance and hope; she is unrecognizable.

Who is this woman I see?
Why is this woman fighting for me?

Filled with love and compassion,
Being bound by her past sins is not an option.

While Satan desperately tried to destroy her every which way,
I was certain she would soon break,
But she continuously grabs hold to the One who has given her a reason to stay.

Who is this woman I see?
Why does this woman refuse to give up on me?

The swift movement of a blade she used to see as a way to numb the pain,
But her Savior has given her the strength to persevere through the heavy rain.

A woman thou art loosed from the chains of guilt, hopelessness, and fear.
Overcoming the secret desires that once drew her near,

To the depths of self-destruction and sorrow,
But now those doubts are no longer yesterday’s tomorrow.

She won’t be defeated, even by herself,
She longs to meet the King and will keep fighting until her last breath.

Who is this woman I see?
And why does this woman no longer look like me?

Posted in Uncategorized

The Tortoise and the Hare

Sometimes I feel like God is the tortoise and I am the hare. I get completely lost in thought on what I want my next step to be and what He needs it to be. I run as fast as possible thinking the important thing is finishing first; and when I know I am physically able to do so, there is no changing my mind. I think I have things all figured out and planned, but somehow still manage to finish last. All of that running for what? Disappointment in the eyes of God? This cannot be right… As I think things over and actually put some thought into what happened, I realize I had it all wrong. He clearly wanted to show me something. What I thought was one of my greatest strengths is actually one of my greatest weaknesses. Seeking the easy route and racing to get things done has led me astray and even made my situation worse than before. And the worse part is that I know the best route is usually the hardest, yet I still allow my stubbornness and impatient ways to cloud my judgment and make decisions for me. I never understood why I rushed myself to get some things done.  I want fast results but forget that time, persistence, and passion are required. God showed me that the fast track is not the answer and I need to slow down and take things one step at a time. Rushing a process or goal leads to many avoidable mistakes and regrets. When I go looking for a fast and easy change, more chaos is what I usually get. If I would have taken my time, I wouldn’t have passed the answer I needed early on in the race. I have learned in life that most accomplishments take time and do not just happen overnight, no matter how “fast” I am. The best results come from the quality of my effort. Small trots are more rewarding than giant leaps. If there is no patience and quality effort during my progress, then how could I ever expect to gain anything great from it? I should not feel bad if only small steps are being taken. I need to remember that it is progress, regardless of how far I got. I am closer to my goal than before and that is what matters. Relying on my own understanding will set me up for failure. Life is more enjoyable when you know you put in the effort to get where you are today and allow God to direct your steps. Everyone has their own pace and we all have different goals and destinations. So why determine my steps based on someone else? Plus learning the hard way sucks. Guess I will keep that in mind the next time I try to challenge the timing of God’s plan.

Posted in Uncategorized

Side Effects

Just the idea of being vulnerable makes your heart cringe. Being emotional is not okay because you know that is when you are most unstable. And you know how much you love to have control over your own life. Nausea sets in the moment you realize that accepting someone in your life also means taking on their baggage. You strategize all the possible ways to break down their walls, but forget you too have you own wall that needs broken. Seems like a never ending battle sometimes and half of the time you don’t even know why. And who wants to argue with someone as stubborn and prideful as they are? Sometimes you can’t stomach the very notion of letting someone else pry into your mind and uncover your deepest thoughts in order to build an intimate relationship with you.The idea of eventually sharing what you have worked so hard to achieve sends you running for cover. The possibly(and many times actuality) of getting your heart broken sends you astray. You don’t have time to be carrying around bandages for the wounds you may get from taking that risk. Sometimes you tell yourself it is better to be alone because it is less stressful and time consuming. Too many distractions and concerns. Plus you don’t always have to consider the feelings of another. You believe it gives you more time you focus on yourself. And in a way, you are absolutely right. But then it happens…

You cannot live without that warm touch from that significant other. Your heart continuously races as love for them grows stronger. Your bones become enriched with hope every time you look into their eyes. It is not something you planned and it hit you so unexpectedly. And now you crave for more. That smile, the same one you see every time, brightens you even when you seem to be at your darkest. Having that special someone know what you are thinking even when you can’t get your words out. Just having someone right there to talk and listen to, who understands you, pulls you in. That sense of wholeness you feel when you are with them, though everything else around you seems incomplete. There is no need to worry about fixing that damaged path of yours alone anymore because there is someone out there who willingly wants to help you fill in those pot holes. Those flaws you carry are within the very core of their reason for loving you. That inner beast inside you is now at peace. Many of those “concerns” of yours will still happen, but that love you feel is so fulfilling that you are willing to risk it all to keep it. Who you are and understanding what it means to love yourself is much clearer. As you mature, you find yourself preparing for a future with that person you tried to convince yourself before would cause too many distractions for you. New signs of life flow through your veins, because you know this can only be a blessing from God. One of your greatest fears has now become one of your most precious and cherished gifts. And to think, you were going to skip out on this amazing opportunity over a few side effects.