The communication I long for is outside of my grasp. I know the Lord is pulling me to let it go and draw more to Him. Why I am fighting these spiritual demons with earthly weapons? These relationships will not solve all of my mental battles. And yet I continue to reach for it. Why has this become such a distraction for me? I find myself back to the drawing board with this want to stay connected to the ones I love. I regularly reach out, then quit, then reach out, then quit again. After a while, it feels more like a job or hobby rather than genuine communication since the connection is usually unidirectional. It is not that I needed it daily, but I did not realize an occasional response was so difficult to accomplish. And one would think if someone is making an effort to communicate then you would reciprocate it or at least act like it is appreciated….I can’t be the only one who loves to stay connected with loved ones and hates being the main one who has to initiate it.
Why is this even a problem? Why do I let it get to me? Trust me when I say that I ask myself this all the time. See I tried to tell myself that I would not be that stranger and if I could make someone else’s day brighter, then it would make me happy. But now I feel as though I was lying to myself hoping to understand who cares and who I should disconnect myself from. Maybe it has to do with my past struggles and how when I was at my lowest, I felt completely alone. Suffocating myself in depression, just the thought of going back to that state turns my stomach. I believe this is the biggest reason for my want to communicate regularly.
However, at this point in my life I feel as though I have better chances of freeing my mind of this waste if I did a lot of disconnecting until I can learn to just let things go and not feel like I need that type of communication in my life to get through the day. I have put this too high on a pedestal. If people really want to check in or talk they would do so. Jesus should be the only one I keep reaching for. His mercy and love are never a want and will forever be a need in my life. His word gets me through the day and our communication is never one way. There is only one passageway to Heaven and they are not it. No matter how much I love and feel the need to always connect with them. I just need to not want anymore.
TheKiaraProject 