There was once a time where I felt like I couldn’t be myself. Like I was living a life through someone else’s lens. At times I would feel disgusted with myself for not using my voice. I hated the fact that I would not speak in fear of what others would think about me. The last thing I wanted to do was create a negative image in everyone’s head and disappoint anyone. Momma always said to protect your name and I guess I took it too close to heart because it resulted in others manipulating me and taking advantage of my quietness. That voice locked up in the back of my throat just wanting to get out but fear stood in the way. I remember how anytime I tried to stand up for myself, people would chastise me, so again I went into hiding. As I aged, I soon realized that my ability to stand outside of the crowd was not a mistake but a unique blessing. There was a time where my knowledge felt more like a tool for others and a burden to myself. Education was seen as an escape for me, not an advantage. I just felt as though we were all in the same boat but as I was rowing forward, they decided not to row at all out of comfort. Looking back, people used to only view me as someone who could get a degree. I found myself wondering how could someone who seemed so fragile throughout her upbringing survive in such a negative environment and cruel world we live in today? Fast forward to today, I look back at those memories not in anger, regret, or disappointment as I once did. I see them as building blocks to my growth. I am more than just a degree and have witnessed great changes in other’s lives around me by just being me. I have seen the great change in me. That is what makes me happy. That is what God has shown me! This isn’t a road traveled on by most but now I am starting to get a taste of why those who have don’t turn back.
Month: January 2016
The Journey Home
My two hands try to reach behind me as my feet continue to run forward. I want to take them with me, but I know I can’t because this is a journey that one must choose for themselves. As He continues to call my name, my heart cries out as I know it is time to let go. I don’t want to leave them but I have to. Then He shows me that the ones I hold closest to me are also the ones holding me back. Keeping me from truly grasping the grace and mercy of my Lord. Stuck in denial, my legs become heavy from trying to hold on. I slowly lose my grip and tears begin to fall. I can’t imagine doing this on my own. My Lord then speaks to me reminding me of the many times I felt broken but was still able to walk and the many knifes that stabbed me in the back yet I did not bleed. I hear the echoes of my name and I turn around one last time. “Please forgive me but it is time!” were my final words to them. The feeling of sorrow seeps through my veins just for a moment. I love them deeply but that love doesn’t compare to the love of the Most High and only through Him can my soul be delivered. Though this is a difficult decision, God has reassured me that my sacrifice will not be in vain. I start moving faster along this glory road now that my hands are free. The Kingdom is my destination. I may stumble a hundred times to get there but right next to me will be my Savior giving me His right hand and staying by my side as I take this not-so-alone journey. Through His love and mercy, my soul will be set free and one day I hope to hear the voice that says “Welcome home My child!”
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