Posted in Uncategorized

The Knot

Remember growing up we were always being yelled at to tie our shoes before we trip and fall. Remember how we would be quick to stop in our tracks and tie our shoes the moment we noticed the knot was loose. Because it has been drilled in our heads to avoid falling and hurting ourselves we immediately stop and focus on those laces. Remember how when we would get frustrated when they came untied so we did a double knot to make sure it didn’t happen again. You ever notice how we are still having that problem today.

We get so caught up in trying not to fall and keeping those shoes tied that we forget that sometimes we may need to trip or fall. Sometimes we need that cut on our knees. Without the mistake we wouldn’t really understand or appreciate the lesson. We won’t really know what it is like to be courageous or brave without first taking that risk. How can we be courageous in a safe zone?

We treat our lives as if they are laces. One loose string and we become unraveled. We are obsessed with not making a mistake that all that matters to us is if that knot is there. Our safe haven, pillar of life, has been objectified to that knot. We put our hope and faith for our future into the threads of those laces. We believe that we will go far as long as we keep that knot in place. Now it is not to say we couldn’t get anywhere far with thoses knots but imagine how far we would go if we put that much faith into God as we do that knot.

Posted in Uncategorized

just a little

Prayer is getting a little easier.

Faith is getting a little stronger.

Patience is getting a little longer.

My reach is stretching a little further.

Love is getting a little deeper.

God’s presence is getting a little clearer.

Posted in Uncategorized

Lesson 1,213,2018

I fight so hard to rid myself of these sins. It’s like I am consumed with finding a “cure” to these chronic diseases. But the more I pray and talk to the Lord, I start to understand that His plan never included me being “cured” of all these sins. All He wanted was for me to put Him first and let him take control. Sin will always come around but my obedience to Him is what will determine my fate. And during these talks with my Father I have realized that I have mistaken conquering for curing. Some of my struggles may come up from time to time, but what is important is how I react to those situations now vs then. And with God first, there can only be triumph from here.

Posted in Uncategorized

Silly Me

I misspoke before when it was my purpose I thought I needed an answer to. It was my position in which I still seek understanding. We all have the same purpose which is to serve and glorify You and be disciples to Your children. But how we achieve that, is the only difference. I am not sure why I allowed that to get to me. Unfortunately, the ambition and patience were definitely conflicting with each other. Smh at myself but I’ll be alright. Learning is part of the journey…..Although I may not know exactly what position my Father wants to use me in, I will worry no longer and trust that it’s going to be dope (haha)!

Posted in Uncategorized

The Daydreamer

What the future holds and what I hope to accomplish in my community are never too far from my prefrontal cortex. And even with the excitement of the possibilities, there is also this feeling of anxiety. So many things I am good at but not one sticks out to me as THAT thing. That thing that God targets and builds that stands out from all the rest. That thing in which it is clear what your calling is. That thing that doesn’t send me drifting into uncertainty. It always appears that others have that one distinct thing, but then there’s me.

Sometimes I daydream of what could be or what is to be. And although I am forever grateful, is being a good wife and student all there is to me? Yes, that may sound crazy and Lord I ask you to forgive me. I ask that You please help this daydreamer to see beyond just some blurry images that resemble trees.

Posted in Uncategorized

No Title

Lord I don’t want to do this.

I am tired of dealing with this.

I am no longer optimistic or hopeful.

I feel like I made a mistake or took too many wrong turns.

I don’t feel as though I have the energy I used to fight for this.

Sometimes it even feels like things are getting worse.

This is too much right now.

I want to give up so bad!

And yet, I find myself continuously getting back up and pushing forward.

To You.

Posted in Uncategorized

Lost Files…

I hesitated and once again lost a golden opportunity to let forgiveness in and overcome the power of offense. But I didn’t do it. Courage deserted me the moment their eyes saw mine. It doesn’t help knowing that they saw it too. I am disappointed in myself because I know I am better than that. I don’t know why I try to make myself believe that I am forcing things in my attempts to engage or that they don’t have the desire to interact with me. So as usual I isolate. Thought I was over all of this but I guess not. And although I know there is resistance from their end as well, I will hold myself accountable for mine. The fear of being hurt again was more on my mind than restoring the love and friendship that was once on our side. Lord I failed You again and there is no excuse for this shame I feel inside. I miss the effortless laughs and fun that was shared and I’m pretty sure they do too. Will we ever get through these growing pains? I have faith that the foundation we built remains and hopefully one day, after shuffling through these ruins, we can find it together again.

Posted in Uncategorized

Volume 25 Issue 817

I have been going back and forth to this blog for months. Do I write? How should I word these posts? Have I lost my desire to write? Are they really helping anyone (myself or others)? So many random and conflicting thoughts running through my mind with no clear beginning or end. Phrases…..quotes….incomplete sentences.

For example:

  1. It’s funny how we look at isolation and hiding as a protective measure but when just a little bit of light shines on us, scars appear and we become confused as to where they came from. Because in the darkness we hid ourselves from want we thought would harm us. We hid ourselves because we felt that was the best way to stay safe. We have become so blind that we don’t realize that we are also hiding ourselves from the truth. Fear kept us away from the true meaning of light. The love, hope, and nourishment of that Light…
  2. “If you find yourself always wanting more things then you will always find your glass half empty.”-KDP
  3. I hate that I haven’t found the courage to laugh and love some friends and family as I once did. I get around some of them and immediately it’s like the old pain and desire to forgive.
  4. “Fear is a dead end.”-Lisa Bevere
  5. “In today’s world, being true to yourself is becoming more socially unacceptable.”-KDP
  6. This toxic environment is getting to me. I pray for wisdom and patience because my motivation to continue this work left months ago. Greed and validation drives their selfish ways. God has shown me their true characters and intentions which has allowed me to set my many boundaries early before their darkness influenced me. I don’t want to be here and it has honestly been difficult trying to understand why I need to stay. Yes, I have met some amazing, God-fearing people at this place that have helped restore my belief but many of them will be leaving soon…….This learning experience has shown me a lot and maybe this is His way of saying where I thought He wanted me to go wasn’t His plan for me. Or maybe I am overthinking it as usual (haha)….I just…..nevermind……[Delete]
  7. “The greatest epidemic we have yet to conquer is ignorance.”-Anonymous
  8. “Knowledge without love destroys.” John Bevere
  9. I can’t…nope not going there
  10. The difference between hearing and listening is that only one has the desire to understand.”-KDP
  11. “How you treat others gives insight to how you see yourself.”-KDP
  12. I really wish I could be there more for my little brother D and sister Kiki but during this last visit my God has shown me that they are still paying attention and need me even when I think my impact is limited by distance.
  13. “Never confuse movement with progress because you can run in place and go nowhere.”-Denzel Washington
  14. “Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.”-African Proverb
  15. I know I will be alright. I’m way too hard on myself but We are working on it.
  16. I lied. There has been one consistent thought that has always had a clear beginning and end. “Jesus is the answer.”
  17. Maybe I will get back to this writing thing.

….

Posted in Uncategorized

What’s the problem?

I wake up with an unfortunate expectation of distress. But why is the thought there even when I know nothing is really wrong? I am honestly confused at times. It’s perplexing to feel like my mind has been conditioned to feel worried or concerned. Haven’t really thought about it until now but for some reason I keep feeling like I am messing up somewhere. Maybe I am just too hard on myself because I want to get this right. As I sit back and wonder if I am doing God’s will and if I am doing right by others or myself, a faint voice once again reminds me that everything will be okay!

Posted in Uncategorized

pRoNe To ErOrR

Drowning in thought is such painful experience. At times I feel paralyzed in a negative state of mind. Just the thought of someone potentially lying, hurting, or deceiving me sends my mind into this dark abyss. I know this darkness is generational which is why I pray constantly for the Lord to take it from me. I want it to end with me. Another innocent soul shouldn’t have to live with this tainted blood of mine. Sometimes I get so trapped that I black out and feel as though my spirit has left me. I don’t know when I will ever be free from this. If only people knew the thoughts that haunt me. Tears fall but I don’t want or feel sympathy for myself. This mental and emotional madness is trying to corrupt me but my God, I know that You will save me!