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Gone Fishing

Part one:

He takes his line and applies the bait one more time. Frustrated and confused, He attempts to capture this little and evasive fish. He has already captured this bigger fish and put it in His container on His boat. He has big plans for this big fish and it has made His day. However, this little fish just won’t stop circling his boat. Now every time he tries to reel it in, the fish quickly grabs the bait and swims away. Moments later it returns, circling once again. In His mind He doesn’t understand why this little fish is being like this. He exhales out of frustration and begins to pack up. “Its not ready. Maybe next time”, He says. He leaves the little fish only to return the next day and ends up repeat the same cycle with the same little fish

Part two:

A little fish spots this big fish heading towards a boat . Its family told the little fish to stay away from such structures but the little fish couldn’t help but follow. As the fish approaches the boat, it sees the big fish purposely circling the boat and when it felt the little fish come by, it made a gesture that meant “follow“. Next thing you know the great fish gets swept up out of the dark waters. The little fish gets closer and starts circling the boat to try and understand what just happened. It soon sees a line with something attached. The little fish quickly grabs it and swims away. Whatever that something was the fish wanted more of it. It begins circling the boat like the big fish but every time the line came done it repeatedly took it and swam away. The little fish didn’t understand what was going on. “Why am I not being picked up out of these dark waters? I did what the other fish did!” Next thing you know the boat starts making this loud rumbling noise and the little fish swims away from it not knowing what’s going on. As moon lights up the sky, the little fish is still in the same spot. Sad and confused. It wanted to know what happened to that bigger fish and why was it inadequate to be lifted. “Why did it give up on me? I bet I messed up…again. I can’t ever seem to do things right.” Unintentionally the little fish starts to become jealous….Morning comes and the fish gets excited. The boat is back! It swims to the boat, but only to repeat the same cycle it did once before. 

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Hollow 

​Home isn’t what it seems. Time seems to not have changed anything worth holding. Many conversations but they talk over me. What is belonging? My thoughts, my unrest are mines to bare. My heart stays conflicted and the love around me seems artificial. By default I am connected. My mind takes me to a place where I am all too familiar yet for some reason comfortable. At least I know what to expect is what I tell myself. The darkness invites me with open arms and sometimes I get to a point where I just want to go back to that empty space. 

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Do You Trust Me?

I can’t protect you but I can hold out my hand,
You may not always agree with me but I hope you at least understand.

Your strength is what many hope for,
You are no longer the guy I once knew before.

Past, pain, and patience are your daily battles,
It always seems as though you are going through never-ending trials.

Your mind toys with you even at your best,
While you try to make sense of these unnatural tests.

But whenever you begin to doubt or feel defeat, look to your left.
I don’t have many friends but for those few, I will give my all until there is nothing left.

Not for credit and not for me,
But because I know what it feels like to be mentally empty.

You must not give up on me now,
You are one of the reasons I am able to wear this smile.

It is time to take a chance again with Thee,
So I ask you….Do you trust me?

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Mi Amour

He is standing off in the distance admiring me. Even after so many years he still gets to me. I restrain from smiling, because I don’t want to make it that easy, and in the back of my mind I am wondering what keeps him interested. He gestures for me to walk along side of him; side by side as the sun begins to set. I hesitantly move towards his direction as he gives me his undivided attention. I can’t hold my crooked smile in anymore. He begins to act silly to break me out of this habit and even with everyone looking at him he doesn’t care. He never takes his eyes off of me. Little does he know that is one of the reasons I am drawn to him. Not the gifts he brings or the many places we traveled to together. It is his ability to keep a mind of his own no matter the setting. His attention is me and it shows beautifully. Nothing right now could kill this mood. As I draw near, he grabs my hand and playfully sings Maxwell’s This Woman’s Work. I can’t help but laugh while holding his hand tighter. He wins and he knows it, but he also knows I won’t admit it. I know moments can’t last forever but for once I wished time stood still.

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12am

I sit here in deep thought wondering what my next move is. While part of me wants to pick up the pieces from the past, the other part is trying to create this new path of growth. Faith is still there, although doubt tries to linger in the shadows. I reminisce about the old me; trying not to bring back the old me. God tells me that I am in good hands so I remind myself to not worry. But it would be much easier if I could get this mind of mine to stop over thinking. 

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STOP!

“STOP!”

Into the wild she goes,
Away from the place she once called home

Running around with no direction,
Lost without a connection.

“STOP!”

Breathing heavily into the atmosphere,
All she wants is to disappear.

Ahead she sees a lone wolf,
Its eyes are fixated on her every move.

“STOP!”

Where can she go, what must she do,
When the only security she had is now in her rearview?

“STOP!”

Her heart races in fear,
As the wolf begins to draw near.

It bites her ankle and she yells out in the dark sky,
As she fights, the wolf jumps on her and they are now eye to eye.

As tears begins to drop, the wolf open its mouth and to her surprise it yells…

“STOP!”

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Taming the Beast

Alone in my room my mind begins to ponder. Staring into space trying to find some answers within the depth of my confusion. I am stressed, but I put on an award-winning poker face. I pray to God for peace. Peace from this chaos that is tearing my soul apart. Peace from this hesitate spirit within me that is too afraid to let go. This burden I put on myself is weighing me down. God asks me, “Why do you harbor so much pain my child? Why won’t you give it to me?” My only response is silence. I have no idea but for some reason I feel I am helping Him by not giving Him all this baggage. I am creating this beast inside convincing myself it is for protection, but in reality it is only draining life from my body. I want to give up but this little thing called faith keeps reminding me of the His love for me. I have never stumbled or fallen without Him being right beside me reaching out His hand. However, as I continue to lay there, my heart grows heavy because this path of faith can be difficult to stay on. As I close my eyes, my heart slows down but my stress remains high. Lord give me peace and save me from the one who stares back at me!

@thekiaraproject

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Interconnections

I want your love,
I want your pain,
I want your light in the darkest of days.
I need you here,
I need you near,
I need you now more than ever.
I love your faith,
I love your strength,
I love how you make me feel strong when I feel weak.
As my partner,
Or as my friend,
As an interconnection to finding myself within.
You bring me joy,
You bring me hope,
You bring out a part of me that I never knew before.
I thank the Lord for these connections.
I thank the Lord for our progression!

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Dressed in Red

There is this woman clothed in red. Her smile is vibrant and her appearance is golden in the eyes of her partner. He loves her when she has this appearance and she knows it. He treats her like his queen and makes sure she has everything she needs. He wants to love all of her. She carries her smile because it makes him happy. But behind her smile is pain. This is his look for her and not her own. It hurts her to know that she only can get his full attention when she is dressed in this beautiful red. Usually he is expressing what he doesn’t like about her appearance at that moment. He doesn’t really want to kiss or touch her much and when she asks he says the same things over again. Her hair isn’t “done”, her clothes are not “girly”, and she doesn’t wear “enough” heels. Inside she already struggles with physical insecurities and slowly he is drowning her with criticism. Nothing she does to change her appearance is acceptable, except when she wears that red! She understands he wants her to always look beautiful, but she tries to explain how she shouldn’t be made to feel as though her beauty is primarily skin deep. She also knows he has a problem, a physical problem. He can be shallow but she doesn’t want to use that against him because she knows bad habits don’t die easily. She keeps hoping that maybe he will grow out of this and look at her again like before… She wants to dress up more but constantly being reminded makes her feel as though she is only beautiful when she looks a certain way. She cries and feels silly for it. Crying over a man’s perception of her? How silly right? Day after day, as she wakes up and looks beside her in the bed, she asks herself, “Will he ever walk in and smile at me again without wearing that red? Will I ever be able to pick out my wardrobe without his desires in the back of my mind? When will I be able to stop being so self-conscious about my appearance? Why am I here if I have been feeling this way for some time? Is there something I am missing? This can’t possibly be where this story ends..

@thekiaraproject

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A Road Less Traveled

There was once a time where I felt like I couldn’t be myself. Like I was living a life through someone else’s lens. At times I would feel disgusted with myself for not using my voice. I hated the fact that I would not speak in fear of what others would think about me. The last thing I wanted to do was create a negative image in everyone’s head and disappoint anyone. Momma always said to protect your name and I guess I took it too close to heart because it resulted in others manipulating me and taking advantage of my quietness. That voice locked up in the back of my throat just wanting to get out but fear stood in the way. I remember how anytime I tried to stand up for myself, people would chastise me, so again I went into hiding. As I aged, I soon realized that my ability to stand outside of the crowd was not a mistake but a unique blessing. There was a time where my knowledge felt more like a tool for others and a burden to myself. Education was seen as an escape for me, not an advantage. I just felt as though we were all in the same boat but as I was rowing forward, they decided not to row at all out of comfort. Looking back, people used to only view me as someone who could get a degree. I found myself wondering how could someone who seemed so fragile throughout her upbringing survive in such a negative environment and cruel world we live in today? Fast forward to today, I look back at those memories not in anger, regret, or disappointment as I once did. I see them as building blocks to my growth. I am more than just a degree and have witnessed great changes in other’s lives around me by just being me. I have seen the great change in me. That is what makes me happy. That is what God has shown me! This isn’t a road traveled on by most but now I am starting to get a taste of why those who have don’t turn back.