My two hands try to reach behind me as my feet continue to run forward. I want to take them with me, but I know I can’t because this is a journey that one must choose for themselves. As He continues to call my name, my heart cries out as I know it is time to let go. I don’t want to leave them but I have to. Then He shows me that the ones I hold closest to me are also the ones holding me back. Keeping me from truly grasping the grace and mercy of my Lord. Stuck in denial, my legs become heavy from trying to hold on. I slowly lose my grip and tears begin to fall. I can’t imagine doing this on my own. My Lord then speaks to me reminding me of the many times I felt broken but was still able to walk and the many knifes that stabbed me in the back yet I did not bleed. I hear the echoes of my name and I turn around one last time. “Please forgive me but it is time!” were my final words to them. The feeling of sorrow seeps through my veins just for a moment. I love them deeply but that love doesn’t compare to the love of the Most High and only through Him can my soul be delivered. Though this is a difficult decision, God has reassured me that my sacrifice will not be in vain. I start moving faster along this glory road now that my hands are free. The Kingdom is my destination. I may stumble a hundred times to get there but right next to me will be my Savior giving me His right hand and staying by my side as I take this not-so-alone journey. Through His love and mercy, my soul will be set free and one day I hope to hear the voice that says “Welcome home My child!”
Author: KDP
Writing to exhale...
Selfless Thinking
I just want to love those who care for me,
Hold those who appreciate my touch,
Smile with people who believed in my passion,
Fight for the ones who need me,
Comfort loved ones who are in pain,
Bring laughter to those who don’t judge my character,
Motivate others to follow their dreams,
Lend a hand to those who need help getting to their feet,
Provide my shoulder when they need something to cry on,
Give back to those who wanted the best for me,
And guide those who look up to me.
I just want to love!
But with all this selfless thinking, sometimes I forget…
I must first learn how to love ME!
Pain
The mental pain I feel is wearing me down. It always seems to come at the worst time. Easy to feel yet difficult to control. I don’t know why I feel like this, but whatever the enemy is trying to do to me, unfortunately it seems to be working. All I want to do is cry and crawl in a corner as these shackles begin to tear the skin off my ankles and wrists. The feeling of hopelessness is wrapping tighter and tighter around my neck. I just want to throw in the towel and finally breathe. One moment I think I am fine then the next I am scrambling trying to find just a little bit of hope. I would give anything right now to just be able to clear my head and start anew. My thoughts have been lethal and I don’t know if I can break through them. I try so hard to be positive and strong but constantly find myself back to square one. Insecurites, doubt, and fear of judgment continue to follow my every move. And that isn’t even the half of it. Sometimes I ask myself what is the point? I feel like I am mentally going insane and I just want everything around me to STOP! What am I here for? I don’t see my purpose or a reason for my existence. What can I possibly bring to the table that no one else can? Sometimes I try to convince myself that I am only doing things in my life to give it some kind of meaning. Maybe I have just fooling myself into thinking I am a good person, friend, and partner. I know these thoughts are wrong but this pain has become unbearable. And what makes it worse is that I honestly don’t know where it came from or when it started. I was seriously doing well, or at least I thought. Then out of nowhere this happened. Relapses are common, but this is too much. All I know is that I am trapped in a place where I fear I may not make it out of. Why do I feel this way? Why am I so weak? Why do I continue to cry? God please help ME! God please take this pain away! I can’t take it. I can’t do this…
Engulfed in Flames
Lust was the fuel, impulse was the match, and sin was the flames. As I stand in the middle of this roaring fire, my heart and mind are suffering from asphyxiation, yet my body is without injury. Temptation is what I want to pursue as my mind becomes more skewed. Physically I stand strong but emotionally I am wearing down. Temporary satisfaction is want my body yerns for. His love makes me long for more. So much time has passed since the last time we touched. Sinful thoughts run through my mind as my body becomes aroused with lust. The flames grow as I continue to ignite these emotions. Everything else around me is burning and ashes are filling the atmosphere. The only sounds I hear are the flames and a familiar voice crying aloud. Disobedience was never the motive I swear. I am setting my soul on fire by giving in to this temptation. Resisting those urges is my weakness but what is hurting me is not the guilt I feel for having these thoughts, but the fear of dragging you into this fire with me.
Just a Little Rambling
The communication I long for is outside of my grasp. I know the Lord is pulling me to let it go and draw more to Him. Why I am fighting these spiritual demons with earthly weapons? These relationships will not solve all of my mental battles. And yet I continue to reach for it. Why has this become such a distraction for me? I find myself back to the drawing board with this want to stay connected to the ones I love. I regularly reach out, then quit, then reach out, then quit again. After a while, it feels more like a job or hobby rather than genuine communication since the connection is usually unidirectional. It is not that I needed it daily, but I did not realize an occasional response was so difficult to accomplish. And one would think if someone is making an effort to communicate then you would reciprocate it or at least act like it is appreciated….I can’t be the only one who loves to stay connected with loved ones and hates being the main one who has to initiate it.
Why is this even a problem? Why do I let it get to me? Trust me when I say that I ask myself this all the time. See I tried to tell myself that I would not be that stranger and if I could make someone else’s day brighter, then it would make me happy. But now I feel as though I was lying to myself hoping to understand who cares and who I should disconnect myself from. Maybe it has to do with my past struggles and how when I was at my lowest, I felt completely alone. Suffocating myself in depression, just the thought of going back to that state turns my stomach. I believe this is the biggest reason for my want to communicate regularly.
However, at this point in my life I feel as though I have better chances of freeing my mind of this waste if I did a lot of disconnecting until I can learn to just let things go and not feel like I need that type of communication in my life to get through the day. I have put this too high on a pedestal. If people really want to check in or talk they would do so. Jesus should be the only one I keep reaching for. His mercy and love are never a want and will forever be a need in my life. His word gets me through the day and our communication is never one way. There is only one passageway to Heaven and they are not it. No matter how much I love and feel the need to always connect with them. I just need to not want anymore.
My Father’s Child
We have had our differences in the past, but my father you will always be. No matter how hard you try, there are just some things you cannot hide from me. We share the same blood, as well as some of the same destructive habits. The same need to hide our true battles from the world runs through our veins. I see it eating at the core of your sanity. You say you are fine when honestly your heart is slowly dying inside. Should you stay or go constantly circulates in your mind. The deception and betrayal from loved ones corners you. Anger builds in your heart as trust slowly leaves it. Though we are hundreds of miles away from each other, your pain has become mine. I wish there was a way I could still your troubling heart but I know that is a job only the most High can achieve. I hate to see you in those moods because I know the damage they can create. They may not seem like much until it is too late. I been at that low point and seeing you there would be too much for me to bare. I love you with all my heart and I will continue to pray for your restoration. Please don’t lose hope and always keep your faith close. The enemy is just busy right now, but I know your victory will soon come. You are a strong and courageous man. I am my father’s child, so if I can overcome my struggles, there is no doubt in my heart that you can too. Remember “weeping may ensure for a night, but joy comes in the morning”- Psalms 30:5…I love you Dad.
Cats and Shoelaces
Though I wasn’t in control over the events that took place, my heart felt as though it wouldn’t be any different if I was. As I tied my shoes and stood up, I was surprised to look down and see my shoes partially laced. That immediately caught the eye of one of the two cats within the room and it positioned itself to jump at my laces. In its eyes it was just an object that it could play with. That was its instinct. However, I didn’t care to see it that way and in my eyes, the cat and the laces were at this point annoying me. All I wanted to do was get going about my day. And I did not even bother to try and figure out why the cats were there in the first place. Why couldn’t this cat just leave them alone? And how in the world did these laces become undone anyway after I literally just tied them? My shoelaces were not made to be a cat’s toy and last I checked, I knew how to tie shoes. I don’t know what was going on with me that day. Out of habit and frustration, I attacked the cat without thinking. Though it was only going for my laces, I felt as though it was threatening me and my time. An unnecessary reaction I guess you can say. Out of all things to battle today, I choose a cat….a cat.
But I tried to remind myself that it was just a dream. Or was it? Maybe there is a message hiding in the depths of my perception. I don’t even like cats and dreaming about them, along with a random situation like tying my shoes, was far from my average dream. What could it mean? How would these two objects correlate with my life? How do they reflect me? Why did I feel so justified in my actions? Was the cat really my enemy? Or was I my own enemy? Why didn’t my shoelaces stay tied? It is funny how something as simple as trying to tie my shoes turned into this complex puzzle of never-ending questions. Symbolic themes of femininity and preparedness kept coming across my path. Am I not being womanly enough? Do I still have too much of a frisky nature that is preventing those close to me from getting near? Am I less prepared than I realized for what is to come? My God, You and I are going to have a nice long chat because I refuse to leave this to my own interpretation. The most interesting part of it all is how the most simple and random vision of cats and shoelaces came to be a symbolic, yet questionable, reflection of my life. And here I was trying to convince myself that it was just a “dream”.
Shipwrecked
Can somebody explain to me what is going on!!? The tides were calm and steady. Our sails were flowing with the wind, pushing our ship along the waters. The sun was nice and bright. Everything was good and it seemed as though nothing could take this peace away from us. But then this raging storm just came out of nowhere. We were so blindsided by its force that I could not process what was even going on. All I knew was that the tides were no longer on our side. My state of mind immediately became uncontrollable. Our beautiful ship was being engulfed by the large body of water. Our world became dark.
Now we are here, alone, fighting to stay afloat. My heart and mind are in a race, still trying to understand how it took only seconds to change my life for the worse. I call out to God, searching for an explanation rather than a rescue. For some odd reason, I can accept what happened, but not understanding why is what is bothering me….The last thing I remember before the wreck was opening my mouth to have an honest conversation about someone, on another passing ship, who had caught his eye.
Woman
Who is this woman I see?
Who is this woman that she has become?
I do not recognize this glow in her eyes,
Or this confidence that was once nowhere in site
Who is this woman I see?
Who is this woman staring at me?
Before there was this little girl trapped in the darkness of her past,
Trying to convince herself that the pain would somehow pass.
If she stayed distracted, she wouldn’t have to admit she was hurting.
Ironically, it only prolonged her suffering.
But that little girl no longer hides within the shadows.
She walks with elegance and hope; she is unrecognizable.
Who is this woman I see?
Why is this woman fighting for me?
Filled with love and compassion,
Being bound by her past sins is not an option.
While Satan desperately tried to destroy her every which way,
I was certain she would soon break,
But she continuously grabs hold to the One who has given her a reason to stay.
Who is this woman I see?
Why does this woman refuse to give up on me?
The swift movement of a blade she used to see as a way to numb the pain,
But her Savior has given her the strength to persevere through the heavy rain.
A woman thou art loosed from the chains of guilt, hopelessness, and fear.
Overcoming the secret desires that once drew her near,
To the depths of self-destruction and sorrow,
But now those doubts are no longer yesterday’s tomorrow.
She won’t be defeated, even by herself,
She longs to meet the King and will keep fighting until her last breath.
Who is this woman I see?
And why does this woman no longer look like me?
The Tortoise and the Hare
Sometimes I feel like God is the tortoise and I am the hare. I get completely lost in thought on what I want my next step to be and what He needs it to be. I run as fast as possible thinking the important thing is finishing first; and when I know I am physically able to do so, there is no changing my mind. I think I have things all figured out and planned, but somehow still manage to finish last. All of that running for what? Disappointment in the eyes of God? This cannot be right… As I think things over and actually put some thought into what happened, I realize I had it all wrong. He clearly wanted to show me something. What I thought was one of my greatest strengths is actually one of my greatest weaknesses. Seeking the easy route and racing to get things done has led me astray and even made my situation worse than before. And the worse part is that I know the best route is usually the hardest, yet I still allow my stubbornness and impatient ways to cloud my judgment and make decisions for me. I never understood why I rushed myself to get some things done. I want fast results but forget that time, persistence, and passion are required. God showed me that the fast track is not the answer and I need to slow down and take things one step at a time. Rushing a process or goal leads to many avoidable mistakes and regrets. When I go looking for a fast and easy change, more chaos is what I usually get. If I would have taken my time, I wouldn’t have passed the answer I needed early on in the race. I have learned in life that most accomplishments take time and do not just happen overnight, no matter how “fast” I am. The best results come from the quality of my effort. Small trots are more rewarding than giant leaps. If there is no patience and quality effort during my progress, then how could I ever expect to gain anything great from it? I should not feel bad if only small steps are being taken. I need to remember that it is progress, regardless of how far I got. I am closer to my goal than before and that is what matters. Relying on my own understanding will set me up for failure. Life is more enjoyable when you know you put in the effort to get where you are today and allow God to direct your steps. Everyone has their own pace and we all have different goals and destinations. So why determine my steps based on someone else? Plus learning the hard way sucks. Guess I will keep that in mind the next time I try to challenge the timing of God’s plan.
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