Category: Uncategorized

Posted in Uncategorized

Fragile Storyteller

Posted on by KDP

It’s those sporadic mental pauses where my emotions begin to separate from my intuition

In less than one thought, the spiraling effect of disappointment in inevitable imperfection is grasping at my neck

So raw yet potent of an emotion overcomes my spirit and I have become trapped in a space where logic holds no grounding

My eyes start to believe exactly what they want to see. Applying discernment is neglected and mocked all for a little taste of rebellion and apathy

The ambiguity. The opportunity for deception and chaos. One strong grasp is all it would take to leave the burdensome responsibilities of “letting it go”.

No extension of grace. Just dive in with the faults. No more room for the noise yet it always feels welcomed. Knowledge cultivated but not disciplined.

Oh the power. Whoa the fragility. This intense rush of wanting to unleash verbal assaults is numbing the awareness and past mistakes of speaking prematurely

This psychological warfare. The cold embrace. It’s dangerously alluring. Tempting to want to dismiss my identity for the sake of misplaced intentionality

How do I always seem to find my way back to this? It is like the memories enjoy toying with my pride. So far removed from reality at times, forgiving self can only be imagined

Self-preservation from self. So much for reflection. Then again, the continuation of breath must mean something…

Posted in Uncategorized

Vulner-

Posted on by KDP

The desire for silence can become dangerously tempting in moments where I should be celebrating. In moments where I should be present.

Why do the sounds of certain pleasures feel so intolerable at times? When did this enticing portal of separation become so engulfed in flames of self-alienation?

How do I preserve the foundations of Love without sacrificing this level of comfort I get from the distancing? Surely it is possible to continue with this illusion just a little longer to avoid the potential fear of vulnerability that waits within.

Enough with the banter? It will not be long before shame and guilt start to settle in. Yes, silence is comforting in many ways. However, we both know the dangers of having certain things go my way.

Is the temporary enticement worth it? Is the vulnerability of being present that overwhelming? Or could this be a necessary disruption shown as a reminder that healing is never an endpoint but a journey.

Although my mind has become less settling in some ways, the mi-NOOT awareness of triumph may root itself one day.

Posted in Uncategorized

It is not too often that I think about you, but when I do…

Posted on by KDP

So empty they have been; The darkness is very unsettling. Your eyes appear like black holes; What is this unstable phenomenon?

On one hand, I am angry at what seemed to be inevitable without proper intervention. On the other, I want to protect even the smallest amount of innocence that may remain in you.

What is needed to try and recover the hope left in you? At times even I have hope. Yes, I have hope for you. How much would change if we further assessed what has led to this? Would you even feel safe enough to process this?

I did not know what to do and we were unfortunately never taught how to embrace with grace, protect each other or forgive like our peers. The guilt may continue to weigh on my heart for a little while longer as I think back to those adverse childhood experiences.

Those rebellions now seem more like they were cries for help more than attention and I wished I could have been more receptive to you. But I too was a lost child that longed to be seen. A helpless witness, why did fear seem to mute my screams?

How could I have been more of the keeper that you needed? How could I have known and done better even though processing my own pain felt like it was running on E?

I love you and I continue to pray that one day we will both find peace and heal from these memories.

Posted in Uncategorized

Pour

Posted on by KDP

You can’t keep pouring into others when you don’t pour back into yourself.

Take care of YOU.

Our bodies, minds and spirit thirst for healing and replenishment.

Give back to YOU.

What good does it do to passionately expel so much energy into things that do not nourish you? Self care for YOU.

Self care for YOU.

Pride can mask insecurities and the fear of vulnerability. Do not allow it to disrupt the peace within you.

Make way for YOU.

Time is endless but your time is not so why waste it dismissing the need to let Him lead.

Let Him pour into YOU.

Life does not give out refunds. Give yourself grace, let go of the control, and allow faith to proceed.

It starts with YOU.

Posted in Uncategorized

Today

Posted on by KDP

I have come to accept that how I cope with the death of loved ones may not really change.

The way I acknowledge and accept it is an unfortunate expedited process.

I do not like it yet I cannot stand to prolong it.

Why dwell on the numbness? Why ponder on the what if’s?

It is. It was.

It does not bring them back and the tears have been spent.

However, the death of self has been painfully annoying to say the least.

Why do I fear this? This internally persistent uncertainty can be daunting.

No matter the truth, there remains an unsettling hesitation.

Lord, please forgive my doubt.

Yes, I know we have been through this.

Progress feels slow at times but I know this transparency is a part of that.

I am not deserving of Your grace.

Help me to calm my spirit and become more disciplined in this pursuit.

I am not sure what tomorrow may bring, but today I choose YOU!

Posted in Uncategorized

S.E.L.A.H.

Posted on by KDP

Sounds are amplified yet words cannot be formed

Emulating the devotion to truth, vision is overcome with sorrow

Likeability tormenting the hearts of reason

Abundance is the natural tendency to question the call

Heavy is the burden of moving against the conformation

Selah.

Salvaging what remains after death, caution begins to heal

Elevation of wonder for the path to revelations is narrow

Leveraging the insightfulness of disappointment and dismay

Absent is the strife that once formed this perspective of life

Hope is separating from the fragility of doubt

Selah.

Starving the deception that plagues the tongue

Enlighten the confusion, fear’s grasp plunges

Love with conviction as only faith can endure

Accountability to just self fades, the collective becomes focus

Heaven is the destination, discipline builds upon the foundation 

Selah.

Posted in Uncategorized

The Great Wall of Emotions

Posted on by KDP

These moments are becoming more common and even draining at times

At what point in the constant temptation to walk away from it all do you give in?

The wall you worked hard at building to separate the temptation has managed to form cracks… internally

Then again, maybe that is the problem.

The desire to avoid the temptation rather than addressing it is the cause of this…this feeling… this thinking.

It should not be one of my greatest concerns. Yet for some reason my cry is louder than it has been in a long time.

I know You can hear me and my words may not always be articulated with divine. But this unsettling feeling is being put in Your hands.

Loving more like You is the journey I hope to conquer. And I pray that this subtle feeling does not one day consume me.

Because I know Your Spirit can cling to mine with ease. If I just let my guard down and let You lead.

Hopefully my vision to see beyond the trees is not too out of focus. The temptation to wander off may come and go, but my desire to know You is without question.

These feelings are so bittersweet. One moment I am witnessing how Your Love illuminates the beauty and endless possibilities this life can bring.  And the next moment, I am witnessing the true meaning behind the Book of Ecclesiastes.

Selah.

Posted in Uncategorized

Autumn in the Spring

Posted on by KDP

In the midst of this chilling breeze, I begin to wonder what You are thinking.

I can sense that You are still near and there is something I must do.

First it was the erosion that started exposing the roots and now…falling leaves in the spring?

I hear Your whisper, but cannot always comprehend what You are trying to tell me.

Gazing at the clear blue skies, I ask You the obvious question. Why Autumn in the Spring?

Impervious to my deflective nature, You remind me that I am still here due to my hesitation; my reluctance.

You then continue to say blooming requires the elimination of what is dead. So why are you still trying to hold on to it?

My response?

……

To be continued…

Posted in Uncategorized

Scratch Paper

Posted on by KDP

It’s not going through it that I tend to get caught up in; it’s what I might see at the end that can have me in a chokehold at times….

Walking away was my resolve. I surprisingly do not feel much guilt anymore (bad habit of mine). It’s just that the steps that have followed years later can at times sting a little….

I am aware that honey can run across these lips just as quickly as venom. Thankfully, the roots of my self control have matured and interestingly, my lips have never tasted sweeter until after being in this desert….

The words “Wife” and “Mommy” still feel so new. But then again, is it ever something you truly get used to? One thing is for sure, I work so hard because deep down I get scared of disappointing either of you….

This chronic daydreamer is just looking to ground her ambitious ideas anywhere that will allow them to flourish….

Writing has become more frequent  yet less structured and complete. One minute the feeling comes to me and the next I care not to finish the thought….

However, even with these incomplete reflections, I can still find peace….

Posted in Uncategorized

It Starts With Disarray

Posted on by KDP

The moment something is out of place,  the fixation begins. Why is this happening? What series of events led to this?

Neglecting the subtle signs of certainty, the mental torture ignites into this raging fire of discomfort and confusion.

Questions are becoming endless and answers seem to be too few and far between. The temptation to make an enemy out of nothing is a reflection of the strife consuming fragments of one’s being.

How does one just stop this? Let go of the push and pull that comes with the desire to just walk away from it all? How long after the darkness does light start to shine back in?…If it shines in.

The depths of moments like these expose a much more fragile, self-destructive  interpretation of this mishap. Five minutes have not even passed since the start of this turmoil and time again has left you behind.

Not surprisingly though, an overanalysis has once again evolved into an overreaction and in turn resulted in an overflow of self-doubt.

Lord maybe one day I will get it right and first look to You.