As I sit along this tree, those deep and dark eyes stare into mine. You want my tears to fall into your hands. You smile waiting for me to reach out to you in comfort. Through your eyes, you see a woman who appears hopeless and in need of her desires to be filled. One who has lost their way perhaps? So close she has let you get to her. All you need now is for her to tell you yes so you can add power to that ugly name. But I assure you you are wasting your time. Everyone knows one can only see so far in darkness. The only way to see things clearly and for what they really are is with Light. You smile but have yet to realize you have been sitting here, so close, waiting on me for years and yet you are still stuck in that same spot. My tears won’t fall into your hands because He continues to catch them. My desires are temporary and can never fill me with this unconditional love. I will admit, stubbornness can be tiring, which is why I regularly come to my Father’s tree. But I assure you, even as you continue to fix your eyes on me, hopelessness is no longer within me. Those dark eyes may always follow me, but through your attempts, I am reassured that my life has great meaning.
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Trailing New Soil
“Sometimes the place you’re used to is not the place you belong.” That is what He keeps reminding me every time I think about going back home. “Follow me and let your mind be at ease for I will lead you down a path so many are afraid to believe. If you allow your heart to reside in Me, you will find that your only true home is with Me.”…Okay Lord, lead me!
Freeing myself
That moment when you realize that no matter how many people you surround yourself with, you still end up alone and mentally isolated. You try to turn your brain off for one second…just one…to enjoy life but all it does is make things more obvious. So then you just let that feeling build until you have no choice but to let your heart and mind collide. Hope and faith prevail but painful memories still like to take a seat next to us every once in awhile? I always wondered what it would feel like to finally be free from oneself. Its like you want to really be happy for others, be your true self, and let go of the past but pain does what it does best and whispers in your ear about the unforgotten. So much energy and love is eagered to jump out of this woman’s body…I used to think I was the outcast, but with time has come the understanding that I may be doing the outcasting. Though my heart just wants to love, my mind is afraid to fully let it in.
Tired
Why do I feel like the more I try to hold on to faith, the more I seem to lose it? The more I ask him to walk with me the more he wants to refuse.
I focus on the small things in the dark and not paying attention to the light. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, the young woman I see is not I.
My mission, my purpose grows further away. I am too impatient and clueless to what is going on. I doubt I will ever be ready.
Been bruised so many times I don’t know when to take a chance at life. I bet He is getting tired of all this whining.
I see happiness around me but can’t discover my own. And the things I want the most seem long gone.
But I am too curious to let go. That seems to be the only thing that is keeping me afloat.
I know it takes time but I don’t want to lie to myself either. This is hard and sometimes I just wonder if You are listening.
I’m tired of these feelings and I don’t want to be angry, but Lord I ask…What do you want from me!!!!????
My Little Puppet
Temporary trials overshadow the blessings I receive. Smiling on the outside is convincing when your audience is consciously blind. I am a puppet of my own mind while the lack of confidence is pulling the strings. Being your own prisoner is depressing but it’s when you become aware of that entrapment that you start to feel insane.
Gone Fishing
Part one:
He takes his line and applies the bait one more time. Frustrated and confused, He attempts to capture this little and evasive fish. He has already captured this bigger fish and put it in His container on His boat. He has big plans for this big fish and it has made His day. However, this little fish just won’t stop circling his boat. Now every time he tries to reel it in, the fish quickly grabs the bait and swims away. Moments later it returns, circling once again. In His mind He doesn’t understand why this little fish is being like this. He exhales out of frustration and begins to pack up. “Its not ready. Maybe next time”, He says. He leaves the little fish only to return the next day and ends up repeat the same cycle with the same little fish.
Part two:
A little fish spots this big fish heading towards a boat . Its family told the little fish to stay away from such structures but the little fish couldn’t help but follow. As the fish approaches the boat, it sees the big fish purposely circling the boat and when it felt the little fish come by, it made a gesture that meant “follow“. Next thing you know the great fish gets swept up out of the dark waters. The little fish gets closer and starts circling the boat to try and understand what just happened. It soon sees a line with something attached. The little fish quickly grabs it and swims away. Whatever that something was the fish wanted more of it. It begins circling the boat like the big fish but every time the line came done it repeatedly took it and swam away. The little fish didn’t understand what was going on. “Why am I not being picked up out of these dark waters? I did what the other fish did!” Next thing you know the boat starts making this loud rumbling noise and the little fish swims away from it not knowing what’s going on. As moon lights up the sky, the little fish is still in the same spot. Sad and confused. It wanted to know what happened to that bigger fish and why was it inadequate to be lifted. “Why did it give up on me? I bet I messed up…again. I can’t ever seem to do things right.” Unintentionally the little fish starts to become jealous….Morning comes and the fish gets excited. The boat is back! It swims to the boat, but only to repeat the same cycle it did once before.
Hollow
Home isn’t what it seems. Time seems to not have changed anything worth holding. Many conversations but they talk over me. What is belonging? My thoughts, my unrest are mines to bare. My heart stays conflicted and the love around me seems artificial. By default I am connected. My mind takes me to a place where I am all too familiar yet for some reason comfortable. At least I know what to expect is what I tell myself. The darkness invites me with open arms and sometimes I get to a point where I just want to go back to that empty space.
Do You Trust Me?
I can’t protect you but I can hold out my hand,
You may not always agree with me but I hope you at least understand.
Your strength is what many hope for,
You are no longer the guy I once knew before.
Past, pain, and patience are your daily battles,
It always seems as though you are going through never-ending trials.
Your mind toys with you even at your best,
While you try to make sense of these unnatural tests.
But whenever you begin to doubt or feel defeat, look to your left.
I don’t have many friends but for those few, I will give my all until there is nothing left.
Not for credit and not for me,
But because I know what it feels like to be mentally empty.
You must not give up on me now,
You are one of the reasons I am able to wear this smile.
It is time to take a chance again with Thee,
So I ask you….Do you trust me?
Mi Amour
He is standing off in the distance admiring me. Even after so many years he still gets to me. I restrain from smiling, because I don’t want to make it that easy, and in the back of my mind I am wondering what keeps him interested. He gestures for me to walk along side of him; side by side as the sun begins to set. I hesitantly move towards his direction as he gives me his undivided attention. I can’t hold my crooked smile in anymore. He begins to act silly to break me out of this habit and even with everyone looking at him he doesn’t care. He never takes his eyes off of me. Little does he know that is one of the reasons I am drawn to him. Not the gifts he brings or the many places we traveled to together. It is his ability to keep a mind of his own no matter the setting. His attention is me and it shows beautifully. Nothing right now could kill this mood. As I draw near, he grabs my hand and playfully sings Maxwell’s This Woman’s Work. I can’t help but laugh while holding his hand tighter. He wins and he knows it, but he also knows I won’t admit it. I know moments can’t last forever but for once I wished time stood still.
12am
I sit here in deep thought wondering what my next move is. While part of me wants to pick up the pieces from the past, the other part is trying to create this new path of growth. Faith is still there, although doubt tries to linger in the shadows. I reminisce about the old me; trying not to bring back the old me. God tells me that I am in good hands so I remind myself to not worry. But it would be much easier if I could get this mind of mine to stop over thinking.
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