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STOP!

Posted on by KDP

“STOP!”

Into the wild she goes,
Away from the place she once called home

Running around with no direction,
Lost without a connection.

“STOP!”

Breathing heavily into the atmosphere,
All she wants is to disappear.

Ahead she sees a lone wolf,
Its eyes are fixated on her every move.

“STOP!”

Where can she go, what must she do,
When the only security she had is now in her rearview?

“STOP!”

Her heart races in fear,
As the wolf begins to draw near.

It bites her ankle and she yells out in the dark sky,
As she fights, the wolf jumps on her and they are now eye to eye.

As tears begins to drop, the wolf open its mouth and to her surprise it yells…

“STOP!”

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Taming the Beast

Posted on by KDP

Alone in my room my mind begins to ponder. Staring into space trying to find some answers within the depth of my confusion. I am stressed, but I put on an award-winning poker face. I pray to God for peace. Peace from this chaos that is tearing my soul apart. Peace from this hesitate spirit within me that is too afraid to let go. This burden I put on myself is weighing me down. God asks me, “Why do you harbor so much pain my child? Why won’t you give it to me?” My only response is silence. I have no idea but for some reason I feel I am helping Him by not giving Him all this baggage. I am creating this beast inside convincing myself it is for protection, but in reality it is only draining life from my body. I want to give up but this little thing called faith keeps reminding me of the His love for me. I have never stumbled or fallen without Him being right beside me reaching out His hand. However, as I continue to lay there, my heart grows heavy because this path of faith can be difficult to stay on. As I close my eyes, my heart slows down but my stress remains high. Lord give me peace and save me from the one who stares back at me!

@thekiaraproject

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Interconnections

Posted on by KDP

I want your love,
I want your pain,
I want your light in the darkest of days.
I need you here,
I need you near,
I need you now more than ever.
I love your faith,
I love your strength,
I love how you make me feel strong when I feel weak.
As my partner,
Or as my friend,
As an interconnection to finding myself within.
You bring me joy,
You bring me hope,
You bring out a part of me that I never knew before.
I thank the Lord for these connections.
I thank the Lord for our progression!

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Dressed in Red

Posted on by KDP

There is this woman clothed in red. Her smile is vibrant and her appearance is golden in the eyes of her partner. He loves her when she has this appearance and she knows it. He treats her like his queen and makes sure she has everything she needs. He wants to love all of her. She carries her smile because it makes him happy. But behind her smile is pain. This is his look for her and not her own. It hurts her to know that she only can get his full attention when she is dressed in this beautiful red. Usually he is expressing what he doesn’t like about her appearance at that moment. He doesn’t really want to kiss or touch her much and when she asks he says the same things over again. Her hair isn’t “done”, her clothes are not “girly”, and she doesn’t wear “enough” heels. Inside she already struggles with physical insecurities and slowly he is drowning her with criticism. Nothing she does to change her appearance is acceptable, except when she wears that red! She understands he wants her to always look beautiful, but she tries to explain how she shouldn’t be made to feel as though her beauty is primarily skin deep. She also knows he has a problem, a physical problem. He can be shallow but she doesn’t want to use that against him because she knows bad habits don’t die easily. She keeps hoping that maybe he will grow out of this and look at her again like before… She wants to dress up more but constantly being reminded makes her feel as though she is only beautiful when she looks a certain way. She cries and feels silly for it. Crying over a man’s perception of her? How silly right? Day after day, as she wakes up and looks beside her in the bed, she asks herself, “Will he ever walk in and smile at me again without wearing that red? Will I ever be able to pick out my wardrobe without his desires in the back of my mind? When will I be able to stop being so self-conscious about my appearance? Why am I here if I have been feeling this way for some time? Is there something I am missing? This can’t possibly be where this story ends..

@thekiaraproject

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A Road Less Traveled

Posted on by KDP

There was once a time where I felt like I couldn’t be myself. Like I was living a life through someone else’s lens. At times I would feel disgusted with myself for not using my voice. I hated the fact that I would not speak in fear of what others would think about me. The last thing I wanted to do was create a negative image in everyone’s head and disappoint anyone. Momma always said to protect your name and I guess I took it too close to heart because it resulted in others manipulating me and taking advantage of my quietness. That voice locked up in the back of my throat just wanting to get out but fear stood in the way. I remember how anytime I tried to stand up for myself, people would chastise me, so again I went into hiding. As I aged, I soon realized that my ability to stand outside of the crowd was not a mistake but a unique blessing. There was a time where my knowledge felt more like a tool for others and a burden to myself. Education was seen as an escape for me, not an advantage. I just felt as though we were all in the same boat but as I was rowing forward, they decided not to row at all out of comfort. Looking back, people used to only view me as someone who could get a degree. I found myself wondering how could someone who seemed so fragile throughout her upbringing survive in such a negative environment and cruel world we live in today? Fast forward to today, I look back at those memories not in anger, regret, or disappointment as I once did. I see them as building blocks to my growth. I am more than just a degree and have witnessed great changes in other’s lives around me by just being me. I have seen the great change in me. That is what makes me happy. That is what God has shown me! This isn’t a road traveled on by most but now I am starting to get a taste of why those who have don’t turn back.

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The Journey Home

Posted on by KDP

My two hands try to reach behind me as my feet continue to run forward. I want to take them with me, but I know I can’t because this is a journey that one must choose for themselves. As He continues to call my name, my heart cries out as I know it is time to let go. I don’t want to leave them but I have to. Then He shows me that the ones I hold closest to me are also the ones holding me back. Keeping me from truly grasping the grace and mercy of my Lord. Stuck in denial, my legs become heavy from trying to hold on. I slowly lose my grip and tears begin to fall. I can’t imagine doing this on my own. My Lord then speaks to me reminding me of the many times I felt broken but was still able to walk and the many knifes that stabbed me in the back yet I did not bleed. I hear the echoes of my name and I turn around one last time. “Please forgive me but it is time!” were my final words to them. The feeling of sorrow seeps through my veins just for a moment. I love them deeply but that love doesn’t compare to the love of the Most High and only through Him can my soul be delivered. Though this is a difficult decision, God has reassured me that my sacrifice will not be in vain. I start moving faster along this glory road now that my hands are free. The Kingdom is my destination. I may stumble a hundred times to get there but right next to me will be my Savior giving me His right hand and staying by my side as I take this not-so-alone journey. Through His love and mercy, my soul will be set free and one day I hope to hear the voice that says “Welcome home My child!”

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Selfless Thinking

Posted on by KDP

I just want to love those who care for me,
Hold those who appreciate my touch,
Smile with people who believed in my passion,
Fight for the ones who need me,
Comfort loved ones who are in pain,
Bring laughter to those who don’t judge my character,
Motivate others to follow their dreams,
Lend a hand to those who need help getting to their feet,
Provide my shoulder when they need something to cry on,
Give back to those who wanted the best for me,
And guide those who look up to me.
I just want to love!
But with all this selfless thinking, sometimes I forget…
I must first learn how to love ME!

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Pain

Posted on by KDP

The mental pain I feel is wearing me down. It always seems to come at the worst time. Easy to feel yet difficult to control. I don’t know why I feel like this, but whatever the enemy is trying to do to me, unfortunately it seems to be working. All I want to do is cry and crawl in a corner as these shackles begin to tear the skin off my ankles and wrists. The feeling of hopelessness is wrapping tighter and tighter around my neck. I just want to throw in the towel and finally breathe. One moment I think I am fine then the next I am scrambling trying to find just a little bit of hope. I would give anything right now to just be able to clear my head and start anew. My thoughts have been lethal and I don’t know if I can break through them. I try so hard to be positive and strong but constantly find myself back to square one. Insecurites, doubt, and fear of judgment continue to follow my every move. And that isn’t even the half of it. Sometimes I ask myself what is the point? I feel like I am mentally going insane and I just want everything around me to STOP! What am I here for? I don’t see my purpose or a reason for my existence. What can I possibly bring to the table that no one else can? Sometimes I try to convince myself that I am only doing things in my life to give it some kind of meaning. Maybe I have just fooling myself into thinking I am a good person, friend, and partner. I know these thoughts are wrong but this pain has become unbearable. And what makes it worse is that I honestly don’t know where it came from or when it started. I was seriously doing well, or at least I thought. Then out of nowhere this happened. Relapses are common, but this is too much. All I know is that I am trapped in a place where I fear I may not make it out of. Why do I feel this way? Why am I so weak? Why do I continue to cry? God please help ME! God please take this pain away! I can’t take it. I can’t do this…

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Engulfed in Flames

Posted on by KDP

Lust was the fuel, impulse was the match, and sin was the flames. As I stand in the middle of this roaring fire, my heart and mind are suffering from asphyxiation, yet my body is without injury. Temptation is what I want to pursue as my mind becomes more skewed. Physically I stand strong but emotionally I am wearing down. Temporary satisfaction is want my body yerns for. His love makes me long for more. So much time has passed since the last time we touched. Sinful thoughts run through my mind as my body becomes aroused with lust. The flames grow as I continue to ignite these emotions. Everything else around me is burning and ashes are filling the atmosphere. The only sounds I hear are the flames and a familiar voice crying aloud. Disobedience was never the motive I swear. I am setting my soul on fire by giving in to this temptation. Resisting those urges is my weakness but what is hurting me is not the guilt I feel for having these thoughts, but the fear of dragging you into this fire with me.

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Just a Little Rambling

Posted on by KDP

The communication I long for is outside of my grasp. I know the Lord is pulling me to let it go and draw more to Him. Why I am fighting these spiritual demons with earthly weapons? These relationships will not solve all of my mental battles. And yet I continue to reach for it. Why has this become such a distraction for me? I find myself back to the drawing board with this want to stay connected to the ones I love. I regularly reach out, then quit, then reach out, then quit again. After a while, it feels more like a job or hobby rather than genuine communication since the connection is usually unidirectional. It is not that I needed it daily, but I did not realize an occasional response was so difficult to accomplish. And one would think if someone is making an effort to communicate then you would reciprocate it or at least act like it is appreciated….I can’t be the only one who loves to stay connected with loved ones and hates being the main one who has to initiate it.

Why is this even a problem? Why do I let it get to me? Trust me when I say that I ask myself this all the time. See I tried to tell myself that I would not be that stranger and if I could make someone else’s day brighter, then it would make me happy. But now I feel as though I was lying to myself hoping to understand who cares and who I should disconnect myself from. Maybe it has to do with my past struggles and how when I was at my lowest, I felt completely alone. Suffocating myself in depression, just the thought of going back to that state turns my stomach. I believe this is the biggest reason for my want to communicate regularly.

However, at this point in my life I feel as though I have better chances of freeing my mind of this waste if I did a lot of disconnecting until I can learn to just let things go and not feel like I need that type of communication in my life to get through the day. I have put this too high on a pedestal. If people really want to check in or talk they would do so. Jesus should be the only one I keep reaching for. His mercy and love are never a want and will forever be a need in my life. His word gets me through the day and our communication is never one way. There is only one passageway to Heaven and they are not it. No matter how much I love and feel the need to always connect with them. I just need to not want anymore.