We have had our differences in the past, but my father you will always be. No matter how hard you try, there are just some things you cannot hide from me. We share the same blood, as well as some of the same destructive habits. The same need to hide our true battles from the world runs through our veins. I see it eating at the core of your sanity. You say you are fine when honestly your heart is slowly dying inside. Should you stay or go constantly circulates in your mind. The deception and betrayal from loved ones corners you. Anger builds in your heart as trust slowly leaves it. Though we are hundreds of miles away from each other, your pain has become mine. I wish there was a way I could still your troubling heart but I know that is a job only the most High can achieve. I hate to see you in those moods because I know the damage they can create. They may not seem like much until it is too late. I been at that low point and seeing you there would be too much for me to bare. I love you with all my heart and I will continue to pray for your restoration. Please don’t lose hope and always keep your faith close. The enemy is just busy right now, but I know your victory will soon come. You are a strong and courageous man. I am my father’s child, so if I can overcome my struggles, there is no doubt in my heart that you can too. Remember “weeping may ensure for a night, but joy comes in the morning”- Psalms 30:5…I love you Dad.
Category: Uncategorized
Cats and Shoelaces
Though I wasn’t in control over the events that took place, my heart felt as though it wouldn’t be any different if I was. As I tied my shoes and stood up, I was surprised to look down and see my shoes partially laced. That immediately caught the eye of one of the two cats within the room and it positioned itself to jump at my laces. In its eyes it was just an object that it could play with. That was its instinct. However, I didn’t care to see it that way and in my eyes, the cat and the laces were at this point annoying me. All I wanted to do was get going about my day. And I did not even bother to try and figure out why the cats were there in the first place. Why couldn’t this cat just leave them alone? And how in the world did these laces become undone anyway after I literally just tied them? My shoelaces were not made to be a cat’s toy and last I checked, I knew how to tie shoes. I don’t know what was going on with me that day. Out of habit and frustration, I attacked the cat without thinking. Though it was only going for my laces, I felt as though it was threatening me and my time. An unnecessary reaction I guess you can say. Out of all things to battle today, I choose a cat….a cat.
But I tried to remind myself that it was just a dream. Or was it? Maybe there is a message hiding in the depths of my perception. I don’t even like cats and dreaming about them, along with a random situation like tying my shoes, was far from my average dream. What could it mean? How would these two objects correlate with my life? How do they reflect me? Why did I feel so justified in my actions? Was the cat really my enemy? Or was I my own enemy? Why didn’t my shoelaces stay tied? It is funny how something as simple as trying to tie my shoes turned into this complex puzzle of never-ending questions. Symbolic themes of femininity and preparedness kept coming across my path. Am I not being womanly enough? Do I still have too much of a frisky nature that is preventing those close to me from getting near? Am I less prepared than I realized for what is to come? My God, You and I are going to have a nice long chat because I refuse to leave this to my own interpretation. The most interesting part of it all is how the most simple and random vision of cats and shoelaces came to be a symbolic, yet questionable, reflection of my life. And here I was trying to convince myself that it was just a “dream”.
Shipwrecked
Can somebody explain to me what is going on!!? The tides were calm and steady. Our sails were flowing with the wind, pushing our ship along the waters. The sun was nice and bright. Everything was good and it seemed as though nothing could take this peace away from us. But then this raging storm just came out of nowhere. We were so blindsided by its force that I could not process what was even going on. All I knew was that the tides were no longer on our side. My state of mind immediately became uncontrollable. Our beautiful ship was being engulfed by the large body of water. Our world became dark.
Now we are here, alone, fighting to stay afloat. My heart and mind are in a race, still trying to understand how it took only seconds to change my life for the worse. I call out to God, searching for an explanation rather than a rescue. For some odd reason, I can accept what happened, but not understanding why is what is bothering me….The last thing I remember before the wreck was opening my mouth to have an honest conversation about someone, on another passing ship, who had caught his eye.
Woman
Who is this woman I see?
Who is this woman that she has become?
I do not recognize this glow in her eyes,
Or this confidence that was once nowhere in site
Who is this woman I see?
Who is this woman staring at me?
Before there was this little girl trapped in the darkness of her past,
Trying to convince herself that the pain would somehow pass.
If she stayed distracted, she wouldn’t have to admit she was hurting.
Ironically, it only prolonged her suffering.
But that little girl no longer hides within the shadows.
She walks with elegance and hope; she is unrecognizable.
Who is this woman I see?
Why is this woman fighting for me?
Filled with love and compassion,
Being bound by her past sins is not an option.
While Satan desperately tried to destroy her every which way,
I was certain she would soon break,
But she continuously grabs hold to the One who has given her a reason to stay.
Who is this woman I see?
Why does this woman refuse to give up on me?
The swift movement of a blade she used to see as a way to numb the pain,
But her Savior has given her the strength to persevere through the heavy rain.
A woman thou art loosed from the chains of guilt, hopelessness, and fear.
Overcoming the secret desires that once drew her near,
To the depths of self-destruction and sorrow,
But now those doubts are no longer yesterday’s tomorrow.
She won’t be defeated, even by herself,
She longs to meet the King and will keep fighting until her last breath.
Who is this woman I see?
And why does this woman no longer look like me?
The Tortoise and the Hare
Sometimes I feel like God is the tortoise and I am the hare. I get completely lost in thought on what I want my next step to be and what He needs it to be. I run as fast as possible thinking the important thing is finishing first; and when I know I am physically able to do so, there is no changing my mind. I think I have things all figured out and planned, but somehow still manage to finish last. All of that running for what? Disappointment in the eyes of God? This cannot be right… As I think things over and actually put some thought into what happened, I realize I had it all wrong. He clearly wanted to show me something. What I thought was one of my greatest strengths is actually one of my greatest weaknesses. Seeking the easy route and racing to get things done has led me astray and even made my situation worse than before. And the worse part is that I know the best route is usually the hardest, yet I still allow my stubbornness and impatient ways to cloud my judgment and make decisions for me. I never understood why I rushed myself to get some things done. I want fast results but forget that time, persistence, and passion are required. God showed me that the fast track is not the answer and I need to slow down and take things one step at a time. Rushing a process or goal leads to many avoidable mistakes and regrets. When I go looking for a fast and easy change, more chaos is what I usually get. If I would have taken my time, I wouldn’t have passed the answer I needed early on in the race. I have learned in life that most accomplishments take time and do not just happen overnight, no matter how “fast” I am. The best results come from the quality of my effort. Small trots are more rewarding than giant leaps. If there is no patience and quality effort during my progress, then how could I ever expect to gain anything great from it? I should not feel bad if only small steps are being taken. I need to remember that it is progress, regardless of how far I got. I am closer to my goal than before and that is what matters. Relying on my own understanding will set me up for failure. Life is more enjoyable when you know you put in the effort to get where you are today and allow God to direct your steps. Everyone has their own pace and we all have different goals and destinations. So why determine my steps based on someone else? Plus learning the hard way sucks. Guess I will keep that in mind the next time I try to challenge the timing of God’s plan.
Side Effects
Just the idea of being vulnerable makes your heart cringe. Being emotional is not okay because you know that is when you are most unstable. And you know how much you love to have control over your own life. Nausea sets in the moment you realize that accepting someone in your life also means taking on their baggage. You strategize all the possible ways to break down their walls, but forget you too have you own wall that needs broken. Seems like a never ending battle sometimes and half of the time you don’t even know why. And who wants to argue with someone as stubborn and prideful as they are? Sometimes you can’t stomach the very notion of letting someone else pry into your mind and uncover your deepest thoughts in order to build an intimate relationship with you.The idea of eventually sharing what you have worked so hard to achieve sends you running for cover. The possibly(and many times actuality) of getting your heart broken sends you astray. You don’t have time to be carrying around bandages for the wounds you may get from taking that risk. Sometimes you tell yourself it is better to be alone because it is less stressful and time consuming. Too many distractions and concerns. Plus you don’t always have to consider the feelings of another. You believe it gives you more time you focus on yourself. And in a way, you are absolutely right. But then it happens…
You cannot live without that warm touch from that significant other. Your heart continuously races as love for them grows stronger. Your bones become enriched with hope every time you look into their eyes. It is not something you planned and it hit you so unexpectedly. And now you crave for more. That smile, the same one you see every time, brightens you even when you seem to be at your darkest. Having that special someone know what you are thinking even when you can’t get your words out. Just having someone right there to talk and listen to, who understands you, pulls you in. That sense of wholeness you feel when you are with them, though everything else around you seems incomplete. There is no need to worry about fixing that damaged path of yours alone anymore because there is someone out there who willingly wants to help you fill in those pot holes. Those flaws you carry are within the very core of their reason for loving you. That inner beast inside you is now at peace. Many of those “concerns” of yours will still happen, but that love you feel is so fulfilling that you are willing to risk it all to keep it. Who you are and understanding what it means to love yourself is much clearer. As you mature, you find yourself preparing for a future with that person you tried to convince yourself before would cause too many distractions for you. New signs of life flow through your veins, because you know this can only be a blessing from God. One of your greatest fears has now become one of your most precious and cherished gifts. And to think, you were going to skip out on this amazing opportunity over a few side effects.
Self-Conviction of the Innocent
Hands cuffed without a thorough investigation. As I walked into the room, tension filled the atmosphere. Innocence was what I was there to proclaim but for some reason I felt my fate had already been chosen for me. I had no chance here. All I could do was pray that God give me patience and strength. The judge and jury’s eyes were screaming guilty before I even got to make my plea. Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty? As I try to make my case, anger slowly builds in my heart. I was already caving and they knew it. Tears fell as words became harder to say. My thoughts and my mouth were not communicating for some reason. Yelling was all the prosecutor gave me, wanting me to admit to something I did not do. I refused to give in and let them wrongfully convict me. But that pain and frustration I felt inside wouldn’t go away. If I could just get away to collect my thoughts and calm down. Unfortunately, it was too late. I reacted out of instinct and self-destructed. Everything then became quiet. As I looked around, blank faces stared back at me, the jury lowered their heads in disappointment, and the judge looked at me like I just made his job easier. There was one smile in the room and it was staring me in the face. That is what they really wanted. The truth was never their motive. Breaking me was. They knew I did nothing wrong. I just wanted better for myself but they saw it as me thinking I was better than them. Misery just wanted some company and went out of their way to get it. What makes this situation even worse, is that the blood running through their veins was the same that was running through mine.
Late Nights, Early Mornings
I can’t sleep because my overthinking has set in again. So many questions running through my head. Can’t even begin to process them all. My eyes want to close but my mind keeps writing these restless thoughts. So awake I shall be, writing until my fingers are exhausted and bruised. These late nights and early mornings are draining me mentally. God why am I such an over-thinker? It seems to be more of an unnecessary burden for me to have. What greatness could possibly come from this disturbance? I just want a night of mental peace and I long for those mornings where my mind is running stress free. I pray for that state of serenity. Lord take me under your wings and give me the strength I need to fight whatever it is that is keeping me from a peaceful sleep. Even if that disturbance is me!
My Wandering Eyes
Eyes constantly moving left to right, right to left. I can easily see what is around me, yet blind to the crippling of my own two feet. As I look around, I start feeling as though all eyes are fixed on me, piercing through my skin, looking into my soul. Paranoia sets in; I am holding myself captive in my own mind. Trying to protect myself from what isn’t there. An illusionist hero. But soon paranoia turns into sickness. I now understand that this mental captivity I put myself in and this illusion I created is destroying me. I am my own disease…God I come to You for peace. Take this burden away from me before it consumes me any further. Cleanse my eyes and restore my mind. Help me to stay on your everlasting path of righteousness and redemption. I don’t want these wandering eyes to deceive me from this day forward…I must control these thoughts before it becomes very difficult for me to tell the difference between what I see and reality.
Not All Daisies and Roses
I still cry, get angry, sad, doubtful at times, and confused. I will admit there have even been times when I just wanted to give up. Just because I am building a relationship with God, does not mean I am perfect or ever will be. I am just doing that…building. I will have my setbacks and relapses because as a child of God, that is a predicament that comes with the territory. My goal in life is to get closer to the Man who has made it possible for me to be on this earth. In return, He will make me into the woman He wants me to be, contributing to this world the way I was meant to. And this journey is far from easy. In fact it is the hardest decision I have made. There are a lot of earthly pleasures that one must give up when accepting God into their lives. And though you make up your mind to do something, many times God has His way of showing you that that was not His plan for you. It can be very frustrating, especially when what you want and what He wants do not add up. But it is a learning process. This relationship involves a lot of tests and trials that I cannot control, which as a human is difficult to accept at times. But I will say that every moment is worth it, good and bad. I am always learning something new about myself and life itself. It has helped me to appreciate and love my Lord and Savior more than ever. It becomes a craving; sweeter than honey itself. A craving I hope will never end as long as I am living. No, finding God is not all daisies and roses, but then again how can one truly understand the meaning of growth, faith, and love without some hardships?
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