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Autumn in the Spring

Posted on by KDP

In the midst of this chilling breeze, I begin to wonder what You are thinking.

I can sense that You are still near and there is something I must do.

First it was the erosion that started exposing the roots and now…falling leaves in the spring?

I hear Your whisper, but cannot always comprehend what You are trying to tell me.

Gazing at the clear blue skies, I ask You the obvious question. Why Autumn in the Spring?

Impervious to my deflective nature, You remind me that I am still here due to my hesitation; my reluctance.

You then continue to say blooming requires the elimination of what is dead. So why are you still trying to hold on to it?

My response?

……

To be continued…

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Scratch Paper

Posted on by KDP

It’s not going through it that I tend to get caught up in; it’s what I might see at the end that can have me in a chokehold at times….

Walking away was my resolve. I surprisingly do not feel much guilt anymore (bad habit of mine). It’s just that the steps that have followed years later can at times sting a little….

I am aware that honey can run across these lips just as quickly as venom. Thankfully, the roots of my self control have matured and interestingly, my lips have never tasted sweeter until after being in this desert….

The words “Wife” and “Mommy” still feel so new. But then again, is it ever something you truly get used to? One thing is for sure, I work so hard because deep down I get scared of disappointing either of you….

This chronic daydreamer is just looking to ground her ambitious ideas anywhere that will allow them to flourish….

Writing has become more frequent  yet less structured and complete. One minute the feeling comes to me and the next I care not to finish the thought….

However, even with these incomplete reflections, I can still find peace….

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It Starts With Disarray

Posted on by KDP

The moment something is out of place,  the fixation begins. Why is this happening? What series of events led to this?

Neglecting the subtle signs of certainty, the mental torture ignites into this raging fire of discomfort and confusion.

Questions are becoming endless and answers seem to be too few and far between. The temptation to make an enemy out of nothing is a reflection of the strife consuming fragments of one’s being.

How does one just stop this? Let go of the push and pull that comes with the desire to just walk away from it all? How long after the darkness does light start to shine back in?…If it shines in.

The depths of moments like these expose a much more fragile, self-destructive  interpretation of this mishap. Five minutes have not even passed since the start of this turmoil and time again has left you behind.

Not surprisingly though, an overanalysis has once again evolved into an overreaction and in turn resulted in an overflow of self-doubt.

Lord maybe one day I will get it right and first look to You.

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Reminder From 22 Year-Old Me…

Posted on by KDP

Turning the Pages

Unlike a book, newsletter, or article, these pages cannot turn back. Memories linger in the back of my mind while time continues to press forward. Turning the pages, not knowing what to expect on the other side, I begin to reminiscence about the many mistakes that I have been able to overcome. I have no regrets because everything in the past was a lesson in its own right. I understand now how any action has a consequence, whether good or bad. Words and how one speaks has more depth, power, and meaning than we realize. There is a difference between being in love with someone and just loving the company of someone; not wanting to be lonely. One wrong movement in the turning of these pages can have a dramatic effect on the outcome of the story. Just because I want certain people to be in my future, does not mean they were meant to be there and their time in my life has in fact run its course. Though I am not perfect, as a human being, I was not created to be.

I have stumbled and fallen so many times, opened the wrong doors, and strayed off the narrow path, but God has always given me the strength to prevail. It is very possible for an individual to be renewed and delivered no matter how dark of a past they had. I know God still has work to do with me so I plan to continue turning these pages until He has finished with me. Look out world, He has a plan for the woman you thought you knew. A new beginning is on the horizon, and its future is looking bright.

It is amazing how accepting God as your Lord and Savior can completely change your perspective on life. I begin to see a lot of things through a different type of lens. What looked green and rich, I can now see was brown and infertile, and vice versa of course. I used to be so cautious and doubtful about what those pages would bring, but now I can carry a smile and understand that everything will work out for the best regardless if it goes against what I wanted. However, I do realize that once those pages are turned, there is no going back.

Taking advantage of the opportunities I have been given is very important to me. Cherishing moments with people I love is an aspect of my life that I should appreciate more. I control my happiness and only I can take it from me. What I allow to hinder my progress is my fault and my fault only. I may hit some walls along the way, but that does not mean I have failed. Some battles just need a little more effort on my part. And on this wall, there is a rope near by and in order to beat this obstacle, I must climb it.

There are over 7 billion people in this world and endless opportunities. Each of us has a limited time on this soil. What is worse is that as we take each breath, we do not know if it will be our last. Life is giving you a gift and the gift is the events that take place between birth and death (The Untethered Soul, 133). So why waste this gift on focusing on what is already done and cannot be changed? A life of freedom and spiritual growth or a life where one feels like they are mentality, emotionally, and spiritually caged in; the choice is up to each of us. And always remember, as you turn your pages, there is someone of Higher order who is always reading them. Try to make those pages worth reading to the end.

Original post: Wednesday, February 18, 2015 (https://thekiaraproject.blogspot.com/2015/02/turning-pages.html)

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Light it Up

Posted on by KDP

Naked in thought, I carry no more weapons

Clothed in transparency, I no longer seek perfection

Fixated on this blaze as it roars through the night sky

Oh what a surprisingly warm feeling it gives me on the inside

Where will the flames lead I care not to wonder

And these actions may come off initially as a reckless gesture

However, I promised myself long ago that if this moment dares to appear again

I would light it up without question

Its Greatness has been accepted and I look forward to the regeneration.

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3, 2, 1….

Posted on by KDP

I just want to shut it off sometimes. But if I do then how would I ever truly overcome it. There is such a strong and stubborn presence that it can be suffocating at times.

But I have to breathe.

Just take my time and breathe.

It will get better.

The memories may remain, but I will get better at responding to them.

Time alone will not heal all wounds, but He will.

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Rambling Introvert…

Posted on by KDP

When we keep saying yes to others we in turn keep saying no to ourselves. No to our time, our desires, our growth, our self-care and our peace. Unfortunately, society has a funny way of making those who do not constantly say yes to their wants an enemy. You must give and give without question, but of course the reciprocal should not be expected. It has become okay to punish those who say no because it doesn’t fit one’s narrative or expectation of you. It has become okay to punish those who uphold their integrity.

The fact that many have come to this state of mind that either we agree with them or we are by default against them shows the true selfishness and entitlement that guides the hearts of those who lack awareness, accountability and authenticity. Understanding does not equate agreement. Disagreement does not equate anti-____. One should not sacrifice their dignity to protect someone else’s credibility, views or image. One can still love others and correct them. Catering to others expectations of you is not okay. Saying no; however, is okay. Setting boundaries is good and necessary. And if others cannot respect those boundaries then it is okay to let them go. Because whether they admit it or not, they are definitely setting boundaries with you.

And the sad part is that those who are quick to close the door on someone else immediately due to conflicting beliefs has actually just destroyed an opportunity to bridge a gap in understanding and tear down a wall that continues to divide us. This just exacerbates the issue and prolongs positive change. But hey, who am I but just one voice in this very big and chaotic world.

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The Collapse

Posted on by KDP

I have seen this occurrence before a few times.

The scenery and the moments that lead up to the event may differ some…

But nevertheless the ending never fails to appear.

These “dreams” don’t feel like a typical dream.

The breaking, the chaos, the screams seem so real.

My body shakes as my eyes try to grasp hold of the sight before me.

As it all drops, the sense of hopelessness and fear rush through my veins.

Lord why am I here?

Prayer is all I can turn to as fate seems to near.

But then I instantly wake up, wondering…

Was this a warning or will it be destiny?

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pandemonium

Posted on by KDP

It is crazy how close to the edge one can feel in just a blink of an eye. I am starting to feel like the eye of the tornado.

Chaos surrounding me everywhere I look and see that the slightest movement can send me to a place of no return.

Yelling is pointless and even breathing has become more difficult. I didn’t think this decision would lead to this much discomfort. Lord, please take this feeling from me.

Anxious. Why am I this anxious? Why won’t it slow down? Why does this always seem to happen at the worst time? How much longer will this last?

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Our Little Sprout

Posted on by KDP

Although you sprung from my womb, your existence was evident before our time. You were among the many seeds just waiting to be planted by the Gardener. By His grace, He chose us to help oversee your growth. Our position is not to grow your seed in the place or conditions we wish for you to be in. It is simply to utilize the resources we have been given and lay down a foundation of Agape so that you can set your roots and grow into what you were destined to be.

We don’t expect this new journey to be easy. There will be many days of droughts, and many days of floods. Conditions will not always be ideal and our tools will need to be upgraded from time to time. But hey, we will love and be thankful for every moment of it. As overwhelming as things may get, we dare not complain because we asked for this.

To our little sprout, these past two years have taught us so much and watching you grow has been a life changing experience. I pray that the Lord continues to deepen your roots and guide us to provide the right nourishment for you to bloom into the healthy, flourishing evergreen you were destined to be.