The mental pain I feel is wearing me down. It always seems to come at the worst time. Easy to feel yet difficult to control. I don’t know why I feel like this, but whatever the enemy is trying to do to me, unfortunately it seems to be working. All I want to do is cry and crawl in a corner as these shackles begin to tear the skin off my ankles and wrists. The feeling of hopelessness is wrapping tighter and tighter around my neck. I just want to throw in the towel and finally breathe. One moment I think I am fine then the next I am scrambling trying to find just a little bit of hope. I would give anything right now to just be able to clear my head and start anew. My thoughts have been lethal and I don’t know if I can break through them. I try so hard to be positive and strong but constantly find myself back to square one. Insecurites, doubt, and fear of judgment continue to follow my every move. And that isn’t even the half of it. Sometimes I ask myself what is the point? I feel like I am mentally going insane and I just want everything around me to STOP! What am I here for? I don’t see my purpose or a reason for my existence. What can I possibly bring to the table that no one else can? Sometimes I try to convince myself that I am only doing things in my life to give it some kind of meaning. Maybe I have just fooling myself into thinking I am a good person, friend, and partner. I know these thoughts are wrong but this pain has become unbearable. And what makes it worse is that I honestly don’t know where it came from or when it started. I was seriously doing well, or at least I thought. Then out of nowhere this happened. Relapses are common, but this is too much. All I know is that I am trapped in a place where I fear I may not make it out of. Why do I feel this way? Why am I so weak? Why do I continue to cry? God please help ME! God please take this pain away! I can’t take it. I can’t do this…
Tag: demons
God Please Forgive Me
I have failed you again God. Why do You continue to put up with me? This anger that I thought was gone for good, I have let back into my life. Why do I let these people get to me? Their negativity has become more intolerable and it is sad because they are my family. Sometimes I don’t even understand why I get so angry. My mind starts to think of the most hurtful things to say, but then I know I would be no better than they are, regardless if those things were true. Even if I keep these thoughts in my mind and never say them verbally, it is still sin and I am here to repent. I try to be more positive even in the mist of their drama but I feel as though I am failing more than succeeding. At times I don’t want to believe there is positivity in them underneath the surface. But again, I am judging them just like they judge me. Lord please help me to get rid of this anger. I don’t want to let their ways ruin the person You are creating me to be. I love this new relationship I am building with You and I don’t want to hinder it in any way. These generational demons end with ME! God, I give you my troubles because my faith knows that You will calm my storms. Your child is in need of healing and You are the only one I choose to call on.
Sleeping These Demons Away
Tossing and turning in this restless slumber. Another nightmare. I can’t remember the last time I had a decent amount of sleep. The devil is busy again tonight. Though my eyes lie shut, there is this continuous struggle to fight the pull of the enemy. I refuse to let him win. I will not let him bring yet another child of God into his house of evil doing and torture. As I toss the sheets off of me, I kneel at the edge of my bed. With my hands together, palm to palm, I pray to you Lord to give me the strength to fight these demons. My eyes are heavy with exhaustion. My dreams are filled with lust, anger, jealousy, and greed. The feeling of darkness would come over me and once again I awake from my sleep; unsettled and afraid. You have brought me out of the storm of doubt, the ocean of confusion, and the shambles of hopelessness. You have done it before and my faith knows you can do it again. Now I come to you once more to help bring me to the peaceful oasis of my slumber. Your power will always be greater than the enemy’s, and your grace redefines why You are the one I seek for healing. These restless nights cannot continue.
As I lay back in bed, I take one last deep breath of reassurance. This is the night that I will no longer allow these demons to keep my mind wandering throughout the night. Tonight is the night I will be sleeping these demons away.
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