Tag: disconnecting

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Unstable Signal

Posted on by KDP

I have so much I want to say and yet my heart and mind feel so disconnected from the words…

Where do I begin?

Where do I end?

When does it end?

For a brief moment this self-censorship feels necessary yet wrong at the same time.

Could it be the self-preservation whispering at a distance?

Chaos seems to have become more normalized and the silence around it has become more apparent.

So many cries are being competitively analyzed like compassion is in limited supply.

The luxury of comfort and selfish desire are being exposed in so many.

But then we must become unified once the target has reached their own front door (and only when it has done so).

Their performance has been award worthy if I say so myself.

However, could I be so numb now to the dance that I have started to slowly pivot to that crippling mindset?

Is that why the words, my words….

Sigh.

Yeshua, your clarity is needed for the fighter in me wants to give in to the temptation of disrupting, but my heart cannot help but wonder if my actions are impulsively premature.

Help me to discipline my heart and mind so that my words can reach beyond my cerebrum.

Yes, the signal can seem unstable at times, but it refuses to not seek Your connection.

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Just a Little Rambling

Posted on by KDP

The communication I long for is outside of my grasp. I know the Lord is pulling me to let it go and draw more to Him. Why I am fighting these spiritual demons with earthly weapons? These relationships will not solve all of my mental battles. And yet I continue to reach for it. Why has this become such a distraction for me? I find myself back to the drawing board with this want to stay connected to the ones I love. I regularly reach out, then quit, then reach out, then quit again. After a while, it feels more like a job or hobby rather than genuine communication since the connection is usually unidirectional. It is not that I needed it daily, but I did not realize an occasional response was so difficult to accomplish. And one would think if someone is making an effort to communicate then you would reciprocate it or at least act like it is appreciated….I can’t be the only one who loves to stay connected with loved ones and hates being the main one who has to initiate it.

Why is this even a problem? Why do I let it get to me? Trust me when I say that I ask myself this all the time. See I tried to tell myself that I would not be that stranger and if I could make someone else’s day brighter, then it would make me happy. But now I feel as though I was lying to myself hoping to understand who cares and who I should disconnect myself from. Maybe it has to do with my past struggles and how when I was at my lowest, I felt completely alone. Suffocating myself in depression, just the thought of going back to that state turns my stomach. I believe this is the biggest reason for my want to communicate regularly.

However, at this point in my life I feel as though I have better chances of freeing my mind of this waste if I did a lot of disconnecting until I can learn to just let things go and not feel like I need that type of communication in my life to get through the day. I have put this too high on a pedestal. If people really want to check in or talk they would do so. Jesus should be the only one I keep reaching for. His mercy and love are never a want and will forever be a need in my life. His word gets me through the day and our communication is never one way. There is only one passageway to Heaven and they are not it. No matter how much I love and feel the need to always connect with them. I just need to not want anymore.