Tag: faith

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The Daydreamer

Posted on by KDP

What the future holds and what I hope to accomplish in my community are never too far from my prefrontal cortex. And even with the excitement of the possibilities, there is also this feeling of anxiety. So many things I am good at but not one sticks out to me as THAT thing. That thing that God targets and builds that stands out from all the rest. That thing in which it is clear what your calling is. That thing that doesn’t send me drifting into uncertainty. It always appears that others have that one distinct thing, but then there’s me.

Sometimes I daydream of what could be or what is to be. And although I am forever grateful, is being a good wife and student all there is to me? Yes, that may sound crazy and Lord I ask you to forgive me. I ask that You please help this daydreamer to see beyond just some blurry images that resemble trees.

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No Title

Posted on by KDP

Lord I don’t want to do this.

I am tired of dealing with this.

I am no longer optimistic or hopeful.

I feel like I made a mistake or took too many wrong turns.

I don’t feel as though I have the energy I used to fight for this.

Sometimes it even feels like things are getting worse.

This is too much right now.

I want to give up so bad!

And yet, I find myself continuously getting back up and pushing forward.

To You.

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Volume 25 Issue 817

Posted on by KDP

I have been going back and forth to this blog for months. Do I write? How should I word these posts? Have I lost my desire to write? Are they really helping anyone (myself or others)? So many random and conflicting thoughts running through my mind with no clear beginning or end. Phrases…..quotes….incomplete sentences.

For example:

  1. It’s funny how we look at isolation and hiding as a protective measure but when just a little bit of light shines on us, scars appear and we become confused as to where they came from. Because in the darkness we hid ourselves from want we thought would harm us. We hid ourselves because we felt that was the best way to stay safe. We have become so blind that we don’t realize that we are also hiding ourselves from the truth. Fear kept us away from the true meaning of light. The love, hope, and nourishment of that Light…
  2. “If you find yourself always wanting more things then you will always find your glass half empty.”-KDP
  3. I hate that I haven’t found the courage to laugh and love some friends and family as I once did. I get around some of them and immediately it’s like the old pain and desire to forgive.
  4. “Fear is a dead end.”-Lisa Bevere
  5. “In today’s world, being true to yourself is becoming more socially unacceptable.”-KDP
  6. This toxic environment is getting to me. I pray for wisdom and patience because my motivation to continue this work left months ago. Greed and validation drives their selfish ways. God has shown me their true characters and intentions which has allowed me to set my many boundaries early before their darkness influenced me. I don’t want to be here and it has honestly been difficult trying to understand why I need to stay. Yes, I have met some amazing, God-fearing people at this place that have helped restore my belief but many of them will be leaving soon…….This learning experience has shown me a lot and maybe this is His way of saying where I thought He wanted me to go wasn’t His plan for me. Or maybe I am overthinking it as usual (haha)….I just…..nevermind……[Delete]
  7. “The greatest epidemic we have yet to conquer is ignorance.”-Anonymous
  8. “Knowledge without love destroys.” John Bevere
  9. I can’t…nope not going there
  10. The difference between hearing and listening is that only one has the desire to understand.”-KDP
  11. “How you treat others gives insight to how you see yourself.”-KDP
  12. I really wish I could be there more for my little brother D and sister Kiki but during this last visit my God has shown me that they are still paying attention and need me even when I think my impact is limited by distance.
  13. “Never confuse movement with progress because you can run in place and go nowhere.”-Denzel Washington
  14. “Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.”-African Proverb
  15. I know I will be alright. I’m way too hard on myself but We are working on it.
  16. I lied. There has been one consistent thought that has always had a clear beginning and end. “Jesus is the answer.”
  17. Maybe I will get back to this writing thing.

….

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pRoNe To ErOrR

Posted on by KDP

Drowning in thought is such painful experience. At times I feel paralyzed in a negative state of mind. Just the thought of someone potentially lying, hurting, or deceiving me sends my mind into this dark abyss. I know this darkness is generational which is why I pray constantly for the Lord to take it from me. I want it to end with me. Another innocent soul shouldn’t have to live with this tainted blood of mine. Sometimes I get so trapped that I black out and feel as though my spirit has left me. I don’t know when I will ever be free from this. If only people knew the thoughts that haunt me. Tears fall but I don’t want or feel sympathy for myself. This mental and emotional madness is trying to corrupt me but my God, I know that You will save me!

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My Practice is My Passion

Posted on by KDP

Dear KDP,

As another chapter in your life starts to unfold, and you begin this new journey as a fellow, it is important for you to continuously raise the bar for yourself. Life has its many obstacles but remain strong and keep your faith as your number one priority. Growing closer to God will always be your main goal and don’t let anyone steer you from that. However, there are additional goals that you need to set for these next two years:

  1. Don’t limit yourself- Every opportunity you had has provided you with quality skills that you have been able to capitalize on and get you to this point.

  2. Comfortability is boring- Challenge yourself daily with your tasks and projects but don’t fear failure for you only fail when you don’t try. Most people fear change but you understand that change is inevitable. So continue to embrace it and enjoy life while giving back to others.

  3. Connect- You have told yourself time and time again that one of the best attributes a person can have is the ability to develop a conversation. Use your unique way of communicating to help expand organizational networks in efforts to rebuild strong communities and break the many barriers to quality health for vulnerable populations.

  4. Chose to Lead- regardless of your status or position, being a leader to those who need you is your calling. But also know when to follow because not every situation requires you to be at the forefront.

You have always stood out from the norm and taken the road less traveled . Although these goals will test your passion, never forget the overall purpose of this fellowship opportunity and that is growth. Be humbled by the good and appreciate the bad for both made you whom you are today. Looking in your rearview is not an option. Now smile woman, you have lives to change and inspire. Your story doesn’t end with Chapter 24.

Love always,

You

Believer, Leader, Postcard collector 🙂

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Chapter 24

Posted on by KDP

There are times where I find myself wanting to hold on to the lies, betrayal, and ill intentions. Limiting communication sometimes becomes second nature when rejection is the reaction you understand the most. Wanting to keep close friends and family at a distance because those I wished were closer abused our relationship or vanished when I was at my darkest. It’s crazy how little things will trigger those memories and cloud my judgement. But I won’t give in. Those memories humbled me and brought wisdom to my life. I know I wasn’t perfect and now the want to forgive has overwhelmed my spirit. As I look to the heavens above I quickly remember the grace the Lord has shown me over the years. I thank God that my body didn’t give way to the damage and my heart healed enough to give life, love, and faith another chance. I’m thankful the few loved ones that stayed around accepted my unusual touch and pierced light into my darkness. I found what I truly believe to be lasting love in this world filled with so much hate. It’s funny how I only been actively seeking my Savior for a few years yet every moment where failure, destruction, or even death knocked on my door, He blocked the noise long enough for me to forget they were there.

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Vena Amoris

Posted on by KDP

I worry about this love I give and it doesn’t seem to be leading anywhere. Fear of loss limits his decisions while my impatience guides mine. Content seems to have set in and I don’t know where to go from here. I sin out of love, but is that love worth loosing His? Is the love he and I share become tainted? Is it wrong to start doubting a happy ending? I pray but my Father’s voice seems to drift further away from me as this weary mind entraps me. I hunger for time, answers, and Him yet I comfort myself with material things. There are days where I feel His spirit sit next to me and without saying a word, His Love calms this unsteady heartbeat. But other days, this heart becomes faint because I feel like I don’t deserve Him. So many blessings have come my way; however, I am ashamed of this lukewarm faith. What is the point of getting what I want if I don’t keep my Father near me? How do I restore this Love between You and I? Could you ever forgive this fickle heart of mine? Can We start anew?…With great sorrow I ask the Lord to speak to me. I am understanding more than ever that His Love isn’t just a safe haven for me, it is the very life I breathe.

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Micah 7:8

Posted on by KDP

Maybe these situations are Your way of telling me I am not close enough to You. Is there something that I am not seeing? Recently it seems as though I have been getting hit with boulders right and left. That tunnel leading to the beautiful sunrise is slowly collapsing. My energy is dissipating from every bone in my body. I’m trying to put up one last fight but I feel it may all be for nothing. Why do you allow my oppressors to hurt me? I pray for them because I don’t want to be angry and I must forgive. I know if I give in to this temptation of rage then I am no better than them. So I pray for You to give me peace and help me to stay focused on Your future for me. I’m learning more and more about how cruel life can really be. I am accepting of Your will and now I ask, “Lord what is Your next move with me?”

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A New Day

Posted on by KDP

So many times my silence and clouded eyes were unpredictable and the darkness that surrounded the light appeared to be inevitable. 

But with each new day I embellish my mind with this thought of this new beginning. This new journey; seeing as living in the shadows is no longer comforting.

Prayer has become my new norm even when my heart beat elevates. I find solitude in knowing my Savior although sometimes I can’t seem to explain my pain. 

I am thankful for each sunrise and humbled by the sunsets. Time has brought a new meaning of living and I try my best to bask in each moment.

Memories have become meaningful as laughs are filled with joy. My spirit has calmed, no more raging noise.  

Letting go and letting God is healing more than just wounds…it is healing my soul. I walk to Him on my own, but know I am never alone. 

Although human flaws continue to follow me, I remain of good faith. Something about knowing that my sins don’t define me gives me strength.

Even in the mist of error, I keep His promise close. His Love has no limits, no boundaries, and that’s what I hold on to the most. 

I have learned to listen to this world in a different tune. More importantly, I have learned not to start each day looking in my rearview.

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Tired

Posted on by KDP

​Why do I feel like the more I try to hold on to faith, the more I seem to lose it? The more I ask him to walk with me the more he wants to refuse.

I focus on the small things in the dark and not paying attention to the light. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, the young woman I see is not I.

My mission, my purpose grows further away. I am too impatient and clueless to what is going on. I doubt I will ever be ready.

Been bruised so many times I don’t know when to take a chance at life. I bet He is getting tired of all this whining.

I see happiness around me but can’t discover my own. And the things I want the most seem long gone.

But I am too curious to let go. That seems to be the only thing that is keeping me afloat.

I know it takes time but I don’t want to lie to myself either. This is hard and sometimes I just wonder if You are listening.

I’m tired of these feelings and I don’t want to be angry, but Lord I ask…What do you want from me!!!!????