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This new chapter in my life has had so many unexpected turns and challenges. However, there have also been many great lessons and answers I have received as well. It can take a mental toll on me at times, but I have come to a point in my life where I try to embrace the bad and remain grateful through the good. I have become more quiet because I needed to rediscover myself and understand my position in life. Although I enjoy helping and being there for others in need, I felt as if I forgot to include myself in that equation. The drive to naturally want to be there for others and reach out can become very overwhelming, and I can easily put myself in situations where I become too anxious or disappointed by my expectations of others and even myself. This has resulted in me doing a lot of writing, reflecting, and praying over the years.

I have let some into my world, but unfortunately have come to terms that “saving” what was once there isn’t necessary and walking away (loving from a distance) is best. I hate that I can let one thing, person, or situation have more power over my mind than all the good around it. I literally had to stop myself one day and give myself this girl you tripping look 😒 because so many of my prayers have been answered and needs met even when I didn’t deserve any of it. I have gained so many unexpected yet amazing friendships, fellowships (in Christ), and extended family members over these past several years, so losing a few is nothing and I have to be more grateful for that.

In my professional (and personal) life, mental health has become so important to me for many reasons. I have learned that growth, confidence, success, change and peace all begin with the same thing…your mindset. I chose my profession as an epidemiologist because it allowed me to see the bigger picture of the health burdens we face, be that voice for others, and reach people in need where they are. Although my primary research interest includes mental and behavioral health among youth and young adults with a focus in trauma or adverse childhood experiences, my love for my work goes beyond that. Psychosocial interventions such as spirituality and social relations play a key role in my efforts, but I have come to realize how crucial it is to improve how we actually approach the topic of mental health, especially in minority communities. Not just in our dialogues, but also in our actions.

We were not brought into this world to just think about ourselves and relying on another flawed individual for validation or acceptance is exhausting. I would challenge others to really think about what you bring to the table. How are you actually making a difference to those around you and those you serve in your profession and life? Are you really doing what is right or doing what is comfortable? Don’t be afraid to stray away from the flock. Comfortability doesn’t provide an opportunity for growth or wisdom. Comfortability is what limits us, weakens us, divides us.

Through the losses and achievements, I continue to move forward and try not to look in my rearview. These things are apart of who I am and serving others is what I do. The lessons I’ve learned have been invaluable and my love to be in the presence of God has grown immensely. Not everyone has or will appreciate my touch, but that’s okay because I continue to serve a higher purpose and not all will understand it. At the end of the day, I am a servant of God, a wife, and a mother (in that order). I have been enjoying this transformation and look forward to this woman staring back at me ❤.

Until next time….✌

Love,

KDP

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Lost Files…

I hesitated and once again lost a golden opportunity to let forgiveness in and overcome the power of offense. But I didn’t do it. Courage deserted me the moment their eyes saw mine. It doesn’t help knowing that they saw it too. I am disappointed in myself because I know I am better than that. I don’t know why I try to make myself believe that I am forcing things in my attempts to engage or that they don’t have the desire to interact with me. So as usual I isolate. Thought I was over all of this but I guess not. And although I know there is resistance from their end as well, I will hold myself accountable for mine. The fear of being hurt again was more on my mind than restoring the love and friendship that was once on our side. Lord I failed You again and there is no excuse for this shame I feel inside. I miss the effortless laughs and fun that was shared and I’m pretty sure they do too. Will we ever get through these growing pains? I have faith that the foundation we built remains and hopefully one day, after shuffling through these ruins, we can find it together again.

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Do You Trust Me?

I can’t protect you but I can hold out my hand,
You may not always agree with me but I hope you at least understand.

Your strength is what many hope for,
You are no longer the guy I once knew before.

Past, pain, and patience are your daily battles,
It always seems as though you are going through never-ending trials.

Your mind toys with you even at your best,
While you try to make sense of these unnatural tests.

But whenever you begin to doubt or feel defeat, look to your left.
I don’t have many friends but for those few, I will give my all until there is nothing left.

Not for credit and not for me,
But because I know what it feels like to be mentally empty.

You must not give up on me now,
You are one of the reasons I am able to wear this smile.

It is time to take a chance again with Thee,
So I ask you….Do you trust me?

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Interconnections

I want your love,
I want your pain,
I want your light in the darkest of days.
I need you here,
I need you near,
I need you now more than ever.
I love your faith,
I love your strength,
I love how you make me feel strong when I feel weak.
As my partner,
Or as my friend,
As an interconnection to finding myself within.
You bring me joy,
You bring me hope,
You bring out a part of me that I never knew before.
I thank the Lord for these connections.
I thank the Lord for our progression!

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Just a Little Rambling

The communication I long for is outside of my grasp. I know the Lord is pulling me to let it go and draw more to Him. Why I am fighting these spiritual demons with earthly weapons? These relationships will not solve all of my mental battles. And yet I continue to reach for it. Why has this become such a distraction for me? I find myself back to the drawing board with this want to stay connected to the ones I love. I regularly reach out, then quit, then reach out, then quit again. After a while, it feels more like a job or hobby rather than genuine communication since the connection is usually unidirectional. It is not that I needed it daily, but I did not realize an occasional response was so difficult to accomplish. And one would think if someone is making an effort to communicate then you would reciprocate it or at least act like it is appreciated….I can’t be the only one who loves to stay connected with loved ones and hates being the main one who has to initiate it.

Why is this even a problem? Why do I let it get to me? Trust me when I say that I ask myself this all the time. See I tried to tell myself that I would not be that stranger and if I could make someone else’s day brighter, then it would make me happy. But now I feel as though I was lying to myself hoping to understand who cares and who I should disconnect myself from. Maybe it has to do with my past struggles and how when I was at my lowest, I felt completely alone. Suffocating myself in depression, just the thought of going back to that state turns my stomach. I believe this is the biggest reason for my want to communicate regularly.

However, at this point in my life I feel as though I have better chances of freeing my mind of this waste if I did a lot of disconnecting until I can learn to just let things go and not feel like I need that type of communication in my life to get through the day. I have put this too high on a pedestal. If people really want to check in or talk they would do so. Jesus should be the only one I keep reaching for. His mercy and love are never a want and will forever be a need in my life. His word gets me through the day and our communication is never one way. There is only one passageway to Heaven and they are not it. No matter how much I love and feel the need to always connect with them. I just need to not want anymore.