Tag: God

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Insert Title Here

Posted on by KDP

This new chapter in my life has had so many unexpected turns and challenges. However, there have also been many great lessons and answers I have received as well. It can take a mental toll on me at times, but I have come to a point in my life where I try to embrace the bad and remain grateful through the good. I have become more quiet because I needed to rediscover myself and understand my position in life. Although I enjoy helping and being there for others in need, I felt as if I forgot to include myself in that equation. The drive to naturally want to be there for others and reach out can become very overwhelming, and I can easily put myself in situations where I become too anxious or disappointed by my expectations of others and even myself. This has resulted in me doing a lot of writing, reflecting, and praying over the years.

I have let some into my world, but unfortunately have come to terms that “saving” what was once there isn’t necessary and walking away (loving from a distance) is best. I hate that I can let one thing, person, or situation have more power over my mind than all the good around it. I literally had to stop myself one day and give myself this girl you tripping look 😒 because so many of my prayers have been answered and needs met even when I didn’t deserve any of it. I have gained so many unexpected yet amazing friendships, fellowships (in Christ), and extended family members over these past several years, so losing a few is nothing and I have to be more grateful for that.

In my professional (and personal) life, mental health has become so important to me for many reasons. I have learned that growth, confidence, success, change and peace all begin with the same thing…your mindset. I chose my profession as an epidemiologist because it allowed me to see the bigger picture of the health burdens we face, be that voice for others, and reach people in need where they are. Although my primary research interest includes mental and behavioral health among youth and young adults with a focus in trauma or adverse childhood experiences, my love for my work goes beyond that. Psychosocial interventions such as spirituality and social relations play a key role in my efforts, but I have come to realize how crucial it is to improve how we actually approach the topic of mental health, especially in minority communities. Not just in our dialogues, but also in our actions.

We were not brought into this world to just think about ourselves and relying on another flawed individual for validation or acceptance is exhausting. I would challenge others to really think about what you bring to the table. How are you actually making a difference to those around you and those you serve in your profession and life? Are you really doing what is right or doing what is comfortable? Don’t be afraid to stray away from the flock. Comfortability doesn’t provide an opportunity for growth or wisdom. Comfortability is what limits us, weakens us, divides us.

Through the losses and achievements, I continue to move forward and try not to look in my rearview. These things are apart of who I am and serving others is what I do. The lessons I’ve learned have been invaluable and my love to be in the presence of God has grown immensely. Not everyone has or will appreciate my touch, but that’s okay because I continue to serve a higher purpose and not all will understand it. At the end of the day, I am a servant of God, a wife, and a mother (in that order). I have been enjoying this transformation and look forward to this woman staring back at me ❤.

Until next time….✌

Love,

KDP

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No Malice

Posted on by KDP

The point of my intentions felt kind of brushed over. Unfortunately, examples were paid attention to more than the actual message and key points. It was said that I didn’t acknowledge certain things when in fact I did. Although I tried to keep an open mind, I will admit that I still felt some resistance and misunderstanding. But as I held my tongue, I quickly realized that it is not my job to get someone to understand or respect my perspective. If someone doesn’t agree then that is okay. No need to fight or harbor anger. That just isn’t my responsibility to get them to see through my lens. It also isn’t my responsibility for them to take the time to get to know me versus making assumptions about my character. I did my part and that was be honest and open about my boundaries and struggles. I hope one day that could be understood but if not, I will be okay.

I also couldn’t quite understand how being different in how I communicate was a concern. I was judged as “standoffish”, but anyone who actually knows me knows that’s a lie because I have never been unfriendly or cold to others. Last time I checked being a naturally quiet person doesn’t equate to be standoffish. You judge me because certain dialogues you still have, that go against my faith, do not interest me anymore? I tried to be someone I wasn’t before, but that was depressing and just isn’t me and I wished that maturity was noticed. I guess I was a little disappointed in the effort made to understand my point of view in regards to that. However, I cannot get mad because that was their perspective and they have every right to their opinion. Just wished more respect was shown. Doesn’t make sense to have a conversation about a vulnerable issue when one laughs before the conversation even begins and even admits to skimming over your words. Then to project your narrative onto another instead of acknowledging what they were going through just adds to the frustration. Although I made it very clear and asked for those boundaries and triggers to be respected, once again I was being compared to others for no reason. My intent was to give an olive branch, but the effort was one sided and keeping the ball in my court apparently was easier for them.

And unfortunately, what I saw and heard didn’t surprise me and in the end, forgive is what I needed to do and forgive is what did. I forgave myself and them as well. I hold no anger in my heart. They have a journey and so do I. There have been many great things and people that have come into my life over the years and anything that was said that night will not dictate my happiness or peace. I can see that there was something God needed me to observe that night, although at times I was becoming doubtful of gaining anything useful out of this conversation. I realized that my desire to “restore” some relationships isn’t always needed and walking away is probably best. That isn’t my job and I had to move out of God’s way.

I realize that it’s okay to close the door sometimes in order to get your mind right. Lessons were learned and I will cherish the growth. Friends or not, I’m good. Love is still there because that is what my Father has taught me. I know who I am. If others want to learn that truth about me then that is their move to make (just like I took the time to get to know them). I did what I needed to do for me and I have no regrets. Opening up in a way that was beneficial for my growth is how I move forward. And honestly, it just felt good not to hold it in anymore or feel guilty for speaking up. I didn’t want to hold the pain against anyone anymore. I wasn’t trying to be right. I was trying to do what is right in His eyes. If friendship can strengthen from this point then great, but if not, it is something I am willing to accept. I rather have love in this heart of mine than have the darkness.

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Thing 1 and Thing 2

Posted on by KDP

Sometimes I think we feel as though if we read of Bible, study His Word, and (for some) try to memorize as many scriptures as possible that our problems will go away. Like if we stay obedient to the Word then everything else will fall into place and work itself out. We may even get so caught up in our eyes “being open” and life becoming a little more meaningful that we unintentionally start to ignore those thoughts that crippled us for all those years. But unbeknowest to us, those thoughts never actually went away. You just found a good way to distract yourself from them. That is where the triggers come into play. You are starting to enjoy the beautiful life God has given you after so many setbacks then out of nowhere you become upset, agitated, impatient, selfish, doubtful, etc for no justifiable reason. The rememberance of pain and fear are the drivers of these triggered reactions but it was the ignored memories that were the source.

So what is our solution? For some, it is continuously going back, trying to find answers and comfort in His Word which in turn helps us to repress that memory or thought once again. But what do you do when that “solution” develops into a toxic habit. Yes, I said toxic because although you are seeking God, it is only really numbing the pain and proving temporary relief. The source of that pain or fear was not actually dealt with so when you are triggered and respond in an inexcusable way, you try to put others in a position where you make them feel as though they should know better and do a better job with interacting with you. This excuse becomes a never ending cycle and while you get to move on from what happened in the moment (your response to being triggered), the person you hurt, now has been treated like crap. All because YOU didn’t deal with your problems. Isn’t it funny (not really) how we are quick to project our past pain onto others as if they are the problem. We quickly become a victim in our own eyes not realizing we are now doing the same thing someone did to us to cause that pain and fear we are repressing (hopefully that isn’t confusing).

And although your actions are understandable, because many of us can relate, that doesn’t make them right. And now you are sitting here in counseling after being screened and accepting your need to let go of the real source for your anxiety and post-traumatic stress out of your mind. You have come to realize that the spiritual growth you were working so hard at has been hindered this whole time because you failed to STOP and reconcile with your residual pain and fear. Sitting here, you finally coming face to face with the real problem and remorse rushes to your heart. Taking a deep breath you remind yourself that it is okay to seek this kind of help. You are understanding that mental health and spiritual health are not always the same and may need to be handled differently. You spent so much time trying to help others and neglected to help yourself first. It is time for a change. God is still there. He has and always will be there. You were never alone….You then take a deep breath and remember that the first step to any recovery is acceptance (and this is usually the hardest part). This minor detour doesn’t change your destiny, it just puts you in a better position to conquer it.

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Mahogany

Posted on by KDP

Lord I asked you for one, just one. Just one person I could lean on for guidance and learn from their wisdom as I adapt to this new land. But my God, You gave me so much more. I am still in awe to the blessing they have been in my life and for that, I don’t want to disappoint them.

Their eyes filled with hope in my reach. But if I can be honest, I am a little overwhelmed by how proud they are of me. The bond happened unexpectedly as it is hard for me to just open my heart completely to anyone. But somehow Your words became more clear the more I allowed myself to connect with them. I am not used to this feeling. This kind of acceptance and nurturing was unheard of where I am from. You have given me the opportunity to develop fellowships that are effortless and genuine. The wisdom, love, friendship, and guidance that they have brought into my life over these past few years has been so beautiful. Seeing Your Love through their hearts and minds replenishes my spirit. It makes me want to hold on to Your words even tighter.

I always used to dream that I could surround myself with women like me. Women who are not judging each other out of fear, jealousy, or bitterness. Women who support and encourage one another regardless of the chaos that may surround their lives. The relationship works both ways and neither side is afraid to open up to the other and just have an honest conversation. So strong, so humble, so giving. Tears of joy fill my eyes as I find myself praising Your name without even realizing it. Once again Lord, I prayed and You answered. YOU ANSWERED! I cannot thank you enough for these inspirational Women of God but Lord I pray for You to please continue to bless them and their families.

They are passing the baton and though I am nervous, I just remind myself of Your promise.

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My loudest silence….

Posted on by KDP

I….I have so much to say yet no words leave these lips.

The fear of self still numbs my spirit.

Lord You know what it is I continue to struggle with.

It comes and goes with an force I can hardly describe.

Father I pray thee forgive these repeated transgressions I commit.

And although I know I am not worthy, through it all, You have shown me grace and mercy.

This is why You Lord will forever be my Savior, my Hope, my Paradigm.

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The Knot

Posted on by KDP

Remember growing up we were always being yelled at to tie our shoes before we trip and fall. Remember how we would be quick to stop in our tracks and tie our shoes the moment we noticed the knot was loose. Because it has been drilled in our heads to avoid falling and hurting ourselves we immediately stop and focus on those laces. Remember how when we would get frustrated when they came untied so we did a double knot to make sure it didn’t happen again. You ever notice how we are still having that problem today.

We get so caught up in trying not to fall and keeping those shoes tied that we forget that sometimes we may need to trip or fall. Sometimes we need that cut on our knees. Without the mistake we wouldn’t really understand or appreciate the lesson. We won’t really know what it is like to be courageous or brave without first taking that risk. How can we be courageous in a safe zone?

We treat our lives as if they are laces. One loose string and we become unraveled. We are obsessed with not making a mistake that all that matters to us is if that knot is there. Our safe haven, pillar of life, has been objectified to that knot. We put our hope and faith for our future into the threads of those laces. We believe that we will go far as long as we keep that knot in place. Now it is not to say we couldn’t get anywhere far with thoses knots but imagine how far we would go if we put that much faith into God as we do that knot.

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just a little

Posted on by KDP

Prayer is getting a little easier.

Faith is getting a little stronger.

Patience is getting a little longer.

My reach is stretching a little further.

Love is getting a little deeper.

God’s presence is getting a little clearer.

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The Daydreamer

Posted on by KDP

What the future holds and what I hope to accomplish in my community are never too far from my prefrontal cortex. And even with the excitement of the possibilities, there is also this feeling of anxiety. So many things I am good at but not one sticks out to me as THAT thing. That thing that God targets and builds that stands out from all the rest. That thing in which it is clear what your calling is. That thing that doesn’t send me drifting into uncertainty. It always appears that others have that one distinct thing, but then there’s me.

Sometimes I daydream of what could be or what is to be. And although I am forever grateful, is being a good wife and student all there is to me? Yes, that may sound crazy and Lord I ask you to forgive me. I ask that You please help this daydreamer to see beyond just some blurry images that resemble trees.

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Volume 25 Issue 817

Posted on by KDP

I have been going back and forth to this blog for months. Do I write? How should I word these posts? Have I lost my desire to write? Are they really helping anyone (myself or others)? So many random and conflicting thoughts running through my mind with no clear beginning or end. Phrases…..quotes….incomplete sentences.

For example:

  1. It’s funny how we look at isolation and hiding as a protective measure but when just a little bit of light shines on us, scars appear and we become confused as to where they came from. Because in the darkness we hid ourselves from want we thought would harm us. We hid ourselves because we felt that was the best way to stay safe. We have become so blind that we don’t realize that we are also hiding ourselves from the truth. Fear kept us away from the true meaning of light. The love, hope, and nourishment of that Light…
  2. “If you find yourself always wanting more things then you will always find your glass half empty.”-KDP
  3. I hate that I haven’t found the courage to laugh and love some friends and family as I once did. I get around some of them and immediately it’s like the old pain and desire to forgive.
  4. “Fear is a dead end.”-Lisa Bevere
  5. “In today’s world, being true to yourself is becoming more socially unacceptable.”-KDP
  6. This toxic environment is getting to me. I pray for wisdom and patience because my motivation to continue this work left months ago. Greed and validation drives their selfish ways. God has shown me their true characters and intentions which has allowed me to set my many boundaries early before their darkness influenced me. I don’t want to be here and it has honestly been difficult trying to understand why I need to stay. Yes, I have met some amazing, God-fearing people at this place that have helped restore my belief but many of them will be leaving soon…….This learning experience has shown me a lot and maybe this is His way of saying where I thought He wanted me to go wasn’t His plan for me. Or maybe I am overthinking it as usual (haha)….I just…..nevermind……[Delete]
  7. “The greatest epidemic we have yet to conquer is ignorance.”-Anonymous
  8. “Knowledge without love destroys.” John Bevere
  9. I can’t…nope not going there
  10. The difference between hearing and listening is that only one has the desire to understand.”-KDP
  11. “How you treat others gives insight to how you see yourself.”-KDP
  12. I really wish I could be there more for my little brother D and sister Kiki but during this last visit my God has shown me that they are still paying attention and need me even when I think my impact is limited by distance.
  13. “Never confuse movement with progress because you can run in place and go nowhere.”-Denzel Washington
  14. “Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.”-African Proverb
  15. I know I will be alright. I’m way too hard on myself but We are working on it.
  16. I lied. There has been one consistent thought that has always had a clear beginning and end. “Jesus is the answer.”
  17. Maybe I will get back to this writing thing.

….

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What’s the problem?

Posted on by KDP

I wake up with an unfortunate expectation of distress. But why is the thought there even when I know nothing is really wrong? I am honestly confused at times. It’s perplexing to feel like my mind has been conditioned to feel worried or concerned. Haven’t really thought about it until now but for some reason I keep feeling like I am messing up somewhere. Maybe I am just too hard on myself because I want to get this right. As I sit back and wonder if I am doing God’s will and if I am doing right by others or myself, a faint voice once again reminds me that everything will be okay!