Drowning in thought is such painful experience. At times I feel paralyzed in a negative state of mind. Just the thought of someone potentially lying, hurting, or deceiving me sends my mind into this dark abyss. I know this darkness is generational which is why I pray constantly for the Lord to take it from me. I want it to end with me. Another innocent soul shouldn’t have to live with this tainted blood of mine. Sometimes I get so trapped that I black out and feel as though my spirit has left me. I don’t know when I will ever be free from this. If only people knew the thoughts that haunt me. Tears fall but I don’t want or feel sympathy for myself. This mental and emotional madness is trying to corrupt me but my God, I know that You will save me!
Tag: God
Just another day in the office
Days like this cause my mind to wander. Strong smells of coffee, ego, disparity and judgment fill this space around me. The most interesting part is how the moment I start to feel distressed, I have this unbelievably desirous feeling. Not out of fear, doubt, or worry, but out of love. But then again maybe that’s it….I’m desirous of love. Desirous of knowing. Desirous of You! The enemy continues to send its goliaths my way, but all it does is cause my spirit to call out to You more. This resistance to darkness is getting stronger and it feels so good. Thank you Father for this strength!
this too shall pass
Today wasn’t the best and homesickness has set in pretty bad. Comforting faces and personalities have been so distant, I feel like I’m still at the peak of withdrawal. However, I try not to let those sad thoughts seep beneath my skin because I understand why the absence is needed. Although my heart will always want them near, at the end of the day, wanting You to be my first and last thought will always take precedence.
My Partner in Christ
It was your subtle smile and wit that got my attention. Your determination and integrity that grasped my curiosity and made me want you. But there were two distinct qualities you possessed that made me realize how much I needed you. The first is your carefree personality. You don’t hide your true self from others in fear of damaging your reputation. That is the last thing on your mind. Your fun and free spirit cares less about social norms and how others see you and cares more about enjoying what’s around you. You don’t change who you are just because of whom is around you. The other is your ability to forgive and not let situations change your overall love and care for loved ones. Some have disappointed you and some relationships appear more one-sided but regardless you still try to be there for others. You want to be there anyway you can and you genuinely want to make sure your loved ones are okay regardless of what you are going through. Yea you want to throw in the towel at times but you quickly remind yourself of your duty to them.
It was those two things that filled those hollow parts of my heart and they are the things that showed me how God was moving through you. You helped me understand the difference between being responsible for someone and having a responsibility to someone. I honestly thought after all these years there wouldn’t be much you could do to surprise me now but I was wrong. After almost 7 years, and witnessing your journey of pain, happiness, confusion and understanding, I have seen the greater meaning of life through your eyes. When you brought me to the house of God and showed His love to me so effortlessly, I wanted to build my own relationship with Him. I thank the Lord above for you being in my life. Calling you my love, bestfriend, spiritual partner, and teammate, while being able to share these experiences with you, is one of the most beautiful gifts I could ever receive from God.
Remembering Who I Am
Encouraging, mentoring, and loving are just apart of who I am and what I do. But lately, at times, it seems like I don’t have the energy to keep on giving. Compassion fatigue has been annoyingly knocking at my residence and although it can be very tempting to let it in and complain, I thank God for providing me with the opportunity to help others. It is not easy for everyone to just love I understand that and being able to maintain that momentum isn’t easy, especially when 1) you have your own life to live and a million other things on your plate and 2) the feeling isn’t always returned. Yes, it gets overwhelming at times, but I have a responsibility that I must fulfill. I try to make sure I am not giving so much that I forget to take care of myself during the process which is the reason I keep my Father close. Over the years, I have watched some of the most broken and dark-hearted people become successful individuals as a result of my love. Some of my proudest days are not found in the moments that I helped them or when they accepted my help. My proudest days are when they actually appreciate it and extend that love to others they feel are in need. One of the greatest feelings in the world for me. I understand that serving requires selfless thinking and unconditional love. I guess the purpose of this message is to encourage and remind those who can relate to these moments to remember who you are. It is more than you, it is more than me. It has always been about Him.
My Practice is My Passion
Dear KDP,
As another chapter in your life starts to unfold, and you begin this new journey as a fellow, it is important for you to continuously raise the bar for yourself. Life has its many obstacles but remain strong and keep your faith as your number one priority. Growing closer to God will always be your main goal and don’t let anyone steer you from that. However, there are additional goals that you need to set for these next two years:
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Don’t limit yourself- Every opportunity you had has provided you with quality skills that you have been able to capitalize on and get you to this point.
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Comfortability is boring- Challenge yourself daily with your tasks and projects but don’t fear failure for you only fail when you don’t try. Most people fear change but you understand that change is inevitable. So continue to embrace it and enjoy life while giving back to others.
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Connect- You have told yourself time and time again that one of the best attributes a person can have is the ability to develop a conversation. Use your unique way of communicating to help expand organizational networks in efforts to rebuild strong communities and break the many barriers to quality health for vulnerable populations.
- Chose to Lead- regardless of your status or position, being a leader to those who need you is your calling. But also know when to follow because not every situation requires you to be at the forefront.
You have always stood out from the norm and taken the road less traveled . Although these goals will test your passion, never forget the overall purpose of this fellowship opportunity and that is growth. Be humbled by the good and appreciate the bad for both made you whom you are today. Looking in your rearview is not an option. Now smile woman, you have lives to change and inspire. Your story doesn’t end with Chapter 24.
Love always,
You
Believer, Leader, Postcard collector 🙂
Chapter 24
There are times where I find myself wanting to hold on to the lies, betrayal, and ill intentions. Limiting communication sometimes becomes second nature when rejection is the reaction you understand the most. Wanting to keep close friends and family at a distance because those I wished were closer abused our relationship or vanished when I was at my darkest. It’s crazy how little things will trigger those memories and cloud my judgement. But I won’t give in. Those memories humbled me and brought wisdom to my life. I know I wasn’t perfect and now the want to forgive has overwhelmed my spirit. As I look to the heavens above I quickly remember the grace the Lord has shown me over the years. I thank God that my body didn’t give way to the damage and my heart healed enough to give life, love, and faith another chance. I’m thankful the few loved ones that stayed around accepted my unusual touch and pierced light into my darkness. I found what I truly believe to be lasting love in this world filled with so much hate. It’s funny how I only been actively seeking my Savior for a few years yet every moment where failure, destruction, or even death knocked on my door, He blocked the noise long enough for me to forget they were there.
No More Fighting
Hesitance traps my mind as my body becomes stiff. The answers I seek are clear yet why do I stand still? Why do I keep finding myself in these situations? Questioning the answers I have prayed for over and over again. Why do I let fear enslave me? What is it about change and progress that causes me to challenge my destiny? Is it the potential destructive and manipulative ability this mind can achieve what I fear? The parallel relationship of its power and vulnerability reveals the malleability of my current state of being. I feel so much pressure and responsibility being added to these exhausted feet, but the more I try to fight it, the harder it becomes to see. My reluctance is making me weak. Resistance has become tiring; I must let go. I have to surrender if I hope to reach His throne.
Reach
I reach for the light as my Father becomes more distant to my eyes. I scream yet no sound leaves my lips. Tears only add to the depth of this ocean I have created so no use in crying. My mind gradually sinks into the darkness while my heart beat begins to race with time. My lungs give way to the pressure as one standing memory flashes before me. But just when I thought He was getting tired of saving this lost soul, I hear a loud voice say, “My child, reach!”
Vena Amoris
I worry about this love I give and it doesn’t seem to be leading anywhere. Fear of loss limits his decisions while my impatience guides mine. Content seems to have set in and I don’t know where to go from here. I sin out of love, but is that love worth loosing His? Is the love he and I share become tainted? Is it wrong to start doubting a happy ending? I pray but my Father’s voice seems to drift further away from me as this weary mind entraps me. I hunger for time, answers, and Him yet I comfort myself with material things. There are days where I feel His spirit sit next to me and without saying a word, His Love calms this unsteady heartbeat. But other days, this heart becomes faint because I feel like I don’t deserve Him. So many blessings have come my way; however, I am ashamed of this lukewarm faith. What is the point of getting what I want if I don’t keep my Father near me? How do I restore this Love between You and I? Could you ever forgive this fickle heart of mine? Can We start anew?…With great sorrow I ask the Lord to speak to me. I am understanding more than ever that His Love isn’t just a safe haven for me, it is the very life I breathe.
TheKiaraProject 