The mental pain I feel is wearing me down. It always seems to come at the worst time. Easy to feel yet difficult to control. I don’t know why I feel like this, but whatever the enemy is trying to do to me, unfortunately it seems to be working. All I want to do is cry and crawl in a corner as these shackles begin to tear the skin off my ankles and wrists. The feeling of hopelessness is wrapping tighter and tighter around my neck. I just want to throw in the towel and finally breathe. One moment I think I am fine then the next I am scrambling trying to find just a little bit of hope. I would give anything right now to just be able to clear my head and start anew. My thoughts have been lethal and I don’t know if I can break through them. I try so hard to be positive and strong but constantly find myself back to square one. Insecurites, doubt, and fear of judgment continue to follow my every move. And that isn’t even the half of it. Sometimes I ask myself what is the point? I feel like I am mentally going insane and I just want everything around me to STOP! What am I here for? I don’t see my purpose or a reason for my existence. What can I possibly bring to the table that no one else can? Sometimes I try to convince myself that I am only doing things in my life to give it some kind of meaning. Maybe I have just fooling myself into thinking I am a good person, friend, and partner. I know these thoughts are wrong but this pain has become unbearable. And what makes it worse is that I honestly don’t know where it came from or when it started. I was seriously doing well, or at least I thought. Then out of nowhere this happened. Relapses are common, but this is too much. All I know is that I am trapped in a place where I fear I may not make it out of. Why do I feel this way? Why am I so weak? Why do I continue to cry? God please help ME! God please take this pain away! I can’t take it. I can’t do this…
Tag: God
The Tortoise and the Hare
Sometimes I feel like God is the tortoise and I am the hare. I get completely lost in thought on what I want my next step to be and what He needs it to be. I run as fast as possible thinking the important thing is finishing first; and when I know I am physically able to do so, there is no changing my mind. I think I have things all figured out and planned, but somehow still manage to finish last. All of that running for what? Disappointment in the eyes of God? This cannot be right… As I think things over and actually put some thought into what happened, I realize I had it all wrong. He clearly wanted to show me something. What I thought was one of my greatest strengths is actually one of my greatest weaknesses. Seeking the easy route and racing to get things done has led me astray and even made my situation worse than before. And the worse part is that I know the best route is usually the hardest, yet I still allow my stubbornness and impatient ways to cloud my judgment and make decisions for me. I never understood why I rushed myself to get some things done. I want fast results but forget that time, persistence, and passion are required. God showed me that the fast track is not the answer and I need to slow down and take things one step at a time. Rushing a process or goal leads to many avoidable mistakes and regrets. When I go looking for a fast and easy change, more chaos is what I usually get. If I would have taken my time, I wouldn’t have passed the answer I needed early on in the race. I have learned in life that most accomplishments take time and do not just happen overnight, no matter how “fast” I am. The best results come from the quality of my effort. Small trots are more rewarding than giant leaps. If there is no patience and quality effort during my progress, then how could I ever expect to gain anything great from it? I should not feel bad if only small steps are being taken. I need to remember that it is progress, regardless of how far I got. I am closer to my goal than before and that is what matters. Relying on my own understanding will set me up for failure. Life is more enjoyable when you know you put in the effort to get where you are today and allow God to direct your steps. Everyone has their own pace and we all have different goals and destinations. So why determine my steps based on someone else? Plus learning the hard way sucks. Guess I will keep that in mind the next time I try to challenge the timing of God’s plan.
Late Nights, Early Mornings
I can’t sleep because my overthinking has set in again. So many questions running through my head. Can’t even begin to process them all. My eyes want to close but my mind keeps writing these restless thoughts. So awake I shall be, writing until my fingers are exhausted and bruised. These late nights and early mornings are draining me mentally. God why am I such an over-thinker? It seems to be more of an unnecessary burden for me to have. What greatness could possibly come from this disturbance? I just want a night of mental peace and I long for those mornings where my mind is running stress free. I pray for that state of serenity. Lord take me under your wings and give me the strength I need to fight whatever it is that is keeping me from a peaceful sleep. Even if that disturbance is me!
My Wandering Eyes
Eyes constantly moving left to right, right to left. I can easily see what is around me, yet blind to the crippling of my own two feet. As I look around, I start feeling as though all eyes are fixed on me, piercing through my skin, looking into my soul. Paranoia sets in; I am holding myself captive in my own mind. Trying to protect myself from what isn’t there. An illusionist hero. But soon paranoia turns into sickness. I now understand that this mental captivity I put myself in and this illusion I created is destroying me. I am my own disease…God I come to You for peace. Take this burden away from me before it consumes me any further. Cleanse my eyes and restore my mind. Help me to stay on your everlasting path of righteousness and redemption. I don’t want these wandering eyes to deceive me from this day forward…I must control these thoughts before it becomes very difficult for me to tell the difference between what I see and reality.
Not All Daisies and Roses
I still cry, get angry, sad, doubtful at times, and confused. I will admit there have even been times when I just wanted to give up. Just because I am building a relationship with God, does not mean I am perfect or ever will be. I am just doing that…building. I will have my setbacks and relapses because as a child of God, that is a predicament that comes with the territory. My goal in life is to get closer to the Man who has made it possible for me to be on this earth. In return, He will make me into the woman He wants me to be, contributing to this world the way I was meant to. And this journey is far from easy. In fact it is the hardest decision I have made. There are a lot of earthly pleasures that one must give up when accepting God into their lives. And though you make up your mind to do something, many times God has His way of showing you that that was not His plan for you. It can be very frustrating, especially when what you want and what He wants do not add up. But it is a learning process. This relationship involves a lot of tests and trials that I cannot control, which as a human is difficult to accept at times. But I will say that every moment is worth it, good and bad. I am always learning something new about myself and life itself. It has helped me to appreciate and love my Lord and Savior more than ever. It becomes a craving; sweeter than honey itself. A craving I hope will never end as long as I am living. No, finding God is not all daisies and roses, but then again how can one truly understand the meaning of growth, faith, and love without some hardships?
God Please Forgive Me
I have failed you again God. Why do You continue to put up with me? This anger that I thought was gone for good, I have let back into my life. Why do I let these people get to me? Their negativity has become more intolerable and it is sad because they are my family. Sometimes I don’t even understand why I get so angry. My mind starts to think of the most hurtful things to say, but then I know I would be no better than they are, regardless if those things were true. Even if I keep these thoughts in my mind and never say them verbally, it is still sin and I am here to repent. I try to be more positive even in the mist of their drama but I feel as though I am failing more than succeeding. At times I don’t want to believe there is positivity in them underneath the surface. But again, I am judging them just like they judge me. Lord please help me to get rid of this anger. I don’t want to let their ways ruin the person You are creating me to be. I love this new relationship I am building with You and I don’t want to hinder it in any way. These generational demons end with ME! God, I give you my troubles because my faith knows that You will calm my storms. Your child is in need of healing and You are the only one I choose to call on.
Saved by the “Book”
Inhale….The sounds of the music; my music, playing in the background. Oh how it soothes my soul. And as I read the beautiful, yet sometimes perplexing, Words from the Man above, the music begins to fade. The soft sound of my heartbeat takes over and comfort seeps through the pores of my skin. I am at ease and all my troubles slowly echo away into the distance. The concern of a mental relapse can resurface, but none of that matters now. It is our time; my God and I. Our bonding time that we share with no interruptions. We have our own special conversation. Verbal and non-verbal. I may not understand all the ways in which He speaks to me or even all the underlying messages within the Book as I read, but I know He is there. He is always there! Knowing that at first gave my goosebumps but now I am appreciative of His good grace. My God, You are truly amazing in every way. Even the devil himself knows this which is why he tries so hard to break me; however, You my Lord have never forsaken Your children. Accepting God into my life has been the greatest decision I could ever make, though it was not easy. I took a gamble and hit the biggest jackpot in which no human being or earthly machine could dispense. Now though music does soothe my soul, it is only temporary. The love of God and His mercy will follow me forever. Music cannot go everywhere with me. But no matter where I walk, the foot steps of the Lord are right beside me. As I read through the pages, whether it be 5 minutes or an hour, He is guiding me through every word. And when I feel weak or afraid, He wraps His arms around me ever so gently. God has done more than just soothe my soul, He has saved it. I would encourage anyone to pick up that same Book; the Bible. It is a lifesaver, transformer, deliverer, and it will not disappoint. The only requirement is you…. Exhale….Amen
Trail of Tears
Lord please heal me. They keep falling, they just keep falling. As I walk this path, sorrow and guilt only seem to seep in deeper within the pores of my skin. Will these tears ever go away? Even the ground beneath my feet rebukes these tears. Everything is fading from my grasp. It is like I am taking the life out of everything and everyone I touch. Drowning myself in tears yet so physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. Dehydration is setting in and I am becoming more faint. But I still push forward along this trail praying that my God is only using me for something greater in the end. He says that He “will never leave me nor forsake me”. And no matter how heavy these eyes get, I still believe it to be true. But I would be lying if I said this current state of mind is distracting that truth and causing much internal damage. This hit me so unexpectedly. The dark and lonely depression has set in again. Yes, I am depressed and I cannot fight it alone….Lord help me. Please help me!
What is Your Silver Lining?
Hello,
My name is Kiara LaSha` Diggins-Parker. I have a tendency to question everything around me. I fear that the moment I get attached, the overwhelming joy I feel would be short lived. I let my caring nature get the best of me sometimes and can become mentally unstable due to how I interpret others actions and words. I will over think those interpretations and allow that to make me feel worse than I should. I am very anal about organization and time management, which may not seem like a big deal, until you’ve had experiences where those small things caused a noticeable distance between your relationships with others. My patience is more that of a needle in a haystack. Generational demons continuously taunt me. I have hurt many with my words out of anger, frustration, and just plain ignorance. I have followed behind other followers. I have judged many while making excuses for myself. I have cheated people out of the opportunity of loving me and showing how much they care about me; all because I assume they will be just like the rest. I guess what I am trying to say is that…I got a lot going on with me and I am not proud of those things. But wait there is more. I have a tendency to put others before myself. I lack confidence in verbal communication and I am still insecure of my physical appearance. I can keep going but before I digress let me get to the point. If someone as confusing and broken as I, can find restitution and be still worth using in the eyes of God, then I am sure we all can find that peace in the mist of our storms. As simple as it may seem, if you are alive there is a reason for it. Every breath you take will not be in vain. There is always a brighter side to a situation, and there is always a bigger purpose behind our lives. So I ask, what is your silver lining?
P.S. Your silver lining is coming (if it hasn’t already) and it will be so awesome when it does! We are all amazing human-beings in our own way. Embrace and love the renewed you!
Love,
KDP
Turning the Pages
Unlike a book, newsletter, or article, these pages cannot turn back. Memories linger in the back of my mind while time continues to press forward. Turning the pages, not knowing what to expect on the other side, I begin to reminiscence about the many mistakes that I have been able to overcome. I have no regrets because everything in the past was a lesson in its own right. I understand now how any action has a consequence, whether good or bad. Words and how one speaks has more depth, power, and meaning than we realize. There is a difference between being in love with someone and just loving the company of someone; not wanting to be lonely. One wrong movement in the turning of these pages can have a dramatic effect on the outcome of the story. Just because I want certain people to be in my future, does not mean they were meant to be there and their time in my life has in fact run its course. Though I am not perfect, as a human being, a was not created to be.
I have stumbled and fallen so many times, opened the wrong doors, and strayed off the narrow path, but God has always given me the strength to prevail. It is very possible for an individual to be renewed and delivered no matter how dark of a past they had. I know God still has work to do with me so I plan to continue turning these pages until He has finished with me. Look out world, He has a plan for the woman you thought you knew. A new beginning is on the horizon, and its future is looking bright.
It is amazing how accepting God as your Lord and Savior can completely change your perspective on life. I begin to see a lot of things through a different type of lens. What looked green and rich, I can now see was brown and infertile, and vice versa of course. I used to be so cautious and doubtful about what those pages would bring, but now I can carry a smile and understand that everything will work out for the best regardless if it goes against what I wanted. However, I do realize that once those pages are turned, there is no going back.
Taking advantage of the opportunities I have been given is very important to me. Cherishing moments with people I love is an aspect of my life that I should appreciate more. I control my happiness and only I can take it from me. What I allow to hinder my progress is my fault and my fault only. I may hit some walls along the way, but that does not mean I have failed. Some battles just need a little more effort on my part. And on this wall, there is a rope near by and in order to beat this obstacle, I must climb it.
There are over 7 billion people in this world and endless opportunities. Each of us has a limited time on this soil. What is worse is that as we take each breath, we do not know if it will be our last. Life is giving you a gift and the gift is the events that take place between birth and death (The Untethered Soul, 133). So why waste this gift on focusing on what is already done and cannot be changed? A life of freedom and spiritual growth or a life where one feels like they are mentality, emotionally, and spiritually caged in; the choice is up to each of us. And always remember, as you turn your pages, there is someone of Higher order who is always reading them. Try to make those pages worth reading to the end.
TheKiaraProject 