That moment when you realize that no matter how many people you surround yourself with, you still end up alone and mentally isolated. You try to turn your brain off for one second…just one…to enjoy life but all it does is make things more obvious. So then you just let that feeling build until you have no choice but to let your heart and mind collide. Hope and faith prevail but painful memories still like to take a seat next to us every once in awhile? I always wondered what it would feel like to finally be free from oneself. Its like you want to really be happy for others, be your true self, and let go of the past but pain does what it does best and whispers in your ear about the unforgotten. So much energy and love is eagered to jump out of this woman’s body…I used to think I was the outcast, but with time has come the understanding that I may be doing the outcasting. Though my heart just wants to love, my mind is afraid to fully let it in.
Tag: hope
Do You Trust Me?
I can’t protect you but I can hold out my hand,
You may not always agree with me but I hope you at least understand.
Your strength is what many hope for,
You are no longer the guy I once knew before.
Past, pain, and patience are your daily battles,
It always seems as though you are going through never-ending trials.
Your mind toys with you even at your best,
While you try to make sense of these unnatural tests.
But whenever you begin to doubt or feel defeat, look to your left.
I don’t have many friends but for those few, I will give my all until there is nothing left.
Not for credit and not for me,
But because I know what it feels like to be mentally empty.
You must not give up on me now,
You are one of the reasons I am able to wear this smile.
It is time to take a chance again with Thee,
So I ask you….Do you trust me?
Side Effects
Just the idea of being vulnerable makes your heart cringe. Being emotional is not okay because you know that is when you are most unstable. And you know how much you love to have control over your own life. Nausea sets in the moment you realize that accepting someone in your life also means taking on their baggage. You strategize all the possible ways to break down their walls, but forget you too have you own wall that needs broken. Seems like a never ending battle sometimes and half of the time you don’t even know why. And who wants to argue with someone as stubborn and prideful as they are? Sometimes you can’t stomach the very notion of letting someone else pry into your mind and uncover your deepest thoughts in order to build an intimate relationship with you.The idea of eventually sharing what you have worked so hard to achieve sends you running for cover. The possibly(and many times actuality) of getting your heart broken sends you astray. You don’t have time to be carrying around bandages for the wounds you may get from taking that risk. Sometimes you tell yourself it is better to be alone because it is less stressful and time consuming. Too many distractions and concerns. Plus you don’t always have to consider the feelings of another. You believe it gives you more time you focus on yourself. And in a way, you are absolutely right. But then it happens…
You cannot live without that warm touch from that significant other. Your heart continuously races as love for them grows stronger. Your bones become enriched with hope every time you look into their eyes. It is not something you planned and it hit you so unexpectedly. And now you crave for more. That smile, the same one you see every time, brightens you even when you seem to be at your darkest. Having that special someone know what you are thinking even when you can’t get your words out. Just having someone right there to talk and listen to, who understands you, pulls you in. That sense of wholeness you feel when you are with them, though everything else around you seems incomplete. There is no need to worry about fixing that damaged path of yours alone anymore because there is someone out there who willingly wants to help you fill in those pot holes. Those flaws you carry are within the very core of their reason for loving you. That inner beast inside you is now at peace. Many of those “concerns” of yours will still happen, but that love you feel is so fulfilling that you are willing to risk it all to keep it. Who you are and understanding what it means to love yourself is much clearer. As you mature, you find yourself preparing for a future with that person you tried to convince yourself before would cause too many distractions for you. New signs of life flow through your veins, because you know this can only be a blessing from God. One of your greatest fears has now become one of your most precious and cherished gifts. And to think, you were going to skip out on this amazing opportunity over a few side effects.
What is Your Silver Lining?
Hello,
My name is Kiara LaSha` Diggins-Parker. I have a tendency to question everything around me. I fear that the moment I get attached, the overwhelming joy I feel would be short lived. I let my caring nature get the best of me sometimes and can become mentally unstable due to how I interpret others actions and words. I will over think those interpretations and allow that to make me feel worse than I should. I am very anal about organization and time management, which may not seem like a big deal, until you’ve had experiences where those small things caused a noticeable distance between your relationships with others. My patience is more that of a needle in a haystack. Generational demons continuously taunt me. I have hurt many with my words out of anger, frustration, and just plain ignorance. I have followed behind other followers. I have judged many while making excuses for myself. I have cheated people out of the opportunity of loving me and showing how much they care about me; all because I assume they will be just like the rest. I guess what I am trying to say is that…I got a lot going on with me and I am not proud of those things. But wait there is more. I have a tendency to put others before myself. I lack confidence in verbal communication and I am still insecure of my physical appearance. I can keep going but before I digress let me get to the point. If someone as confusing and broken as I, can find restitution and be still worth using in the eyes of God, then I am sure we all can find that peace in the mist of our storms. As simple as it may seem, if you are alive there is a reason for it. Every breath you take will not be in vain. There is always a brighter side to a situation, and there is always a bigger purpose behind our lives. So I ask, what is your silver lining?
P.S. Your silver lining is coming (if it hasn’t already) and it will be so awesome when it does! We are all amazing human-beings in our own way. Embrace and love the renewed you!
Love,
KDP
Turning the Pages
Unlike a book, newsletter, or article, these pages cannot turn back. Memories linger in the back of my mind while time continues to press forward. Turning the pages, not knowing what to expect on the other side, I begin to reminiscence about the many mistakes that I have been able to overcome. I have no regrets because everything in the past was a lesson in its own right. I understand now how any action has a consequence, whether good or bad. Words and how one speaks has more depth, power, and meaning than we realize. There is a difference between being in love with someone and just loving the company of someone; not wanting to be lonely. One wrong movement in the turning of these pages can have a dramatic effect on the outcome of the story. Just because I want certain people to be in my future, does not mean they were meant to be there and their time in my life has in fact run its course. Though I am not perfect, as a human being, a was not created to be.
I have stumbled and fallen so many times, opened the wrong doors, and strayed off the narrow path, but God has always given me the strength to prevail. It is very possible for an individual to be renewed and delivered no matter how dark of a past they had. I know God still has work to do with me so I plan to continue turning these pages until He has finished with me. Look out world, He has a plan for the woman you thought you knew. A new beginning is on the horizon, and its future is looking bright.
It is amazing how accepting God as your Lord and Savior can completely change your perspective on life. I begin to see a lot of things through a different type of lens. What looked green and rich, I can now see was brown and infertile, and vice versa of course. I used to be so cautious and doubtful about what those pages would bring, but now I can carry a smile and understand that everything will work out for the best regardless if it goes against what I wanted. However, I do realize that once those pages are turned, there is no going back.
Taking advantage of the opportunities I have been given is very important to me. Cherishing moments with people I love is an aspect of my life that I should appreciate more. I control my happiness and only I can take it from me. What I allow to hinder my progress is my fault and my fault only. I may hit some walls along the way, but that does not mean I have failed. Some battles just need a little more effort on my part. And on this wall, there is a rope near by and in order to beat this obstacle, I must climb it.
There are over 7 billion people in this world and endless opportunities. Each of us has a limited time on this soil. What is worse is that as we take each breath, we do not know if it will be our last. Life is giving you a gift and the gift is the events that take place between birth and death (The Untethered Soul, 133). So why waste this gift on focusing on what is already done and cannot be changed? A life of freedom and spiritual growth or a life where one feels like they are mentality, emotionally, and spiritually caged in; the choice is up to each of us. And always remember, as you turn your pages, there is someone of Higher order who is always reading them. Try to make those pages worth reading to the end.
TheKiaraProject 