Tag: life

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Reminder From 22 Year-Old Me…

Posted on by KDP

Turning the Pages

Unlike a book, newsletter, or article, these pages cannot turn back. Memories linger in the back of my mind while time continues to press forward. Turning the pages, not knowing what to expect on the other side, I begin to reminiscence about the many mistakes that I have been able to overcome. I have no regrets because everything in the past was a lesson in its own right. I understand now how any action has a consequence, whether good or bad. Words and how one speaks has more depth, power, and meaning than we realize. There is a difference between being in love with someone and just loving the company of someone; not wanting to be lonely. One wrong movement in the turning of these pages can have a dramatic effect on the outcome of the story. Just because I want certain people to be in my future, does not mean they were meant to be there and their time in my life has in fact run its course. Though I am not perfect, as a human being, I was not created to be.

I have stumbled and fallen so many times, opened the wrong doors, and strayed off the narrow path, but God has always given me the strength to prevail. It is very possible for an individual to be renewed and delivered no matter how dark of a past they had. I know God still has work to do with me so I plan to continue turning these pages until He has finished with me. Look out world, He has a plan for the woman you thought you knew. A new beginning is on the horizon, and its future is looking bright.

It is amazing how accepting God as your Lord and Savior can completely change your perspective on life. I begin to see a lot of things through a different type of lens. What looked green and rich, I can now see was brown and infertile, and vice versa of course. I used to be so cautious and doubtful about what those pages would bring, but now I can carry a smile and understand that everything will work out for the best regardless if it goes against what I wanted. However, I do realize that once those pages are turned, there is no going back.

Taking advantage of the opportunities I have been given is very important to me. Cherishing moments with people I love is an aspect of my life that I should appreciate more. I control my happiness and only I can take it from me. What I allow to hinder my progress is my fault and my fault only. I may hit some walls along the way, but that does not mean I have failed. Some battles just need a little more effort on my part. And on this wall, there is a rope near by and in order to beat this obstacle, I must climb it.

There are over 7 billion people in this world and endless opportunities. Each of us has a limited time on this soil. What is worse is that as we take each breath, we do not know if it will be our last. Life is giving you a gift and the gift is the events that take place between birth and death (The Untethered Soul, 133). So why waste this gift on focusing on what is already done and cannot be changed? A life of freedom and spiritual growth or a life where one feels like they are mentality, emotionally, and spiritually caged in; the choice is up to each of us. And always remember, as you turn your pages, there is someone of Higher order who is always reading them. Try to make those pages worth reading to the end.

Original post: Wednesday, February 18, 2015 (https://thekiaraproject.blogspot.com/2015/02/turning-pages.html)

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Finally At Ease…

Posted on by KDP

It was about 20 years ago when her first known traumatic experience occurred. This little girl I knew didn’t really understand what was going on, but had an uneasy feeling about it. That unfortunate event was suppose to set her down this life course of fear, pain, and destruction. That event was suppose to keep her quiet, meek, and locked in a dark box, accepting what others thought about her. That event was suppose to send her down the same path of generational hardships she thought she should be complacent with. That event was suppose to cripple her mind into believing she was to blame and she deserved the adverse effects. That event was suppose to pierce her heart and make her believe that Love was not written in her story….in her destiny. Twenty years later, I met with this now young woman for a much needed conversation. Although anxiety rushed through my veins and post-traumatic stress rushed through hers, we both knew the time had come. We sat down facing each other and as I took a deep breath, a subtle smile began to form on her face. I looked into her eyes and watched them well up with tears (of joy). My eyes too began to well up (but of grief). For some reason I wanted to apologize for not being the strong woman she needed for all those years. For a second, I felt as if I failed her some how. But she feels this and reaches over to put her hands in mine. I started to put my head down, but she immediately tells me to pick my head up. She then says, “Stop beating yourself up. They were wrong. He sees us, knows us, and Loves us. There is no more need to worry; we are doing well Kiara.” And then it happened…my nerves were finally at ease.

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The Knot

Posted on by KDP

Remember growing up we were always being yelled at to tie our shoes before we trip and fall. Remember how we would be quick to stop in our tracks and tie our shoes the moment we noticed the knot was loose. Because it has been drilled in our heads to avoid falling and hurting ourselves we immediately stop and focus on those laces. Remember how when we would get frustrated when they came untied so we did a double knot to make sure it didn’t happen again. You ever notice how we are still having that problem today.

We get so caught up in trying not to fall and keeping those shoes tied that we forget that sometimes we may need to trip or fall. Sometimes we need that cut on our knees. Without the mistake we wouldn’t really understand or appreciate the lesson. We won’t really know what it is like to be courageous or brave without first taking that risk. How can we be courageous in a safe zone?

We treat our lives as if they are laces. One loose string and we become unraveled. We are obsessed with not making a mistake that all that matters to us is if that knot is there. Our safe haven, pillar of life, has been objectified to that knot. We put our hope and faith for our future into the threads of those laces. We believe that we will go far as long as we keep that knot in place. Now it is not to say we couldn’t get anywhere far with thoses knots but imagine how far we would go if we put that much faith into God as we do that knot.

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Volume 25 Issue 817

Posted on by KDP

I have been going back and forth to this blog for months. Do I write? How should I word these posts? Have I lost my desire to write? Are they really helping anyone (myself or others)? So many random and conflicting thoughts running through my mind with no clear beginning or end. Phrases…..quotes….incomplete sentences.

For example:

  1. It’s funny how we look at isolation and hiding as a protective measure but when just a little bit of light shines on us, scars appear and we become confused as to where they came from. Because in the darkness we hid ourselves from want we thought would harm us. We hid ourselves because we felt that was the best way to stay safe. We have become so blind that we don’t realize that we are also hiding ourselves from the truth. Fear kept us away from the true meaning of light. The love, hope, and nourishment of that Light…
  2. “If you find yourself always wanting more things then you will always find your glass half empty.”-KDP
  3. I hate that I haven’t found the courage to laugh and love some friends and family as I once did. I get around some of them and immediately it’s like the old pain and desire to forgive.
  4. “Fear is a dead end.”-Lisa Bevere
  5. “In today’s world, being true to yourself is becoming more socially unacceptable.”-KDP
  6. This toxic environment is getting to me. I pray for wisdom and patience because my motivation to continue this work left months ago. Greed and validation drives their selfish ways. God has shown me their true characters and intentions which has allowed me to set my many boundaries early before their darkness influenced me. I don’t want to be here and it has honestly been difficult trying to understand why I need to stay. Yes, I have met some amazing, God-fearing people at this place that have helped restore my belief but many of them will be leaving soon…….This learning experience has shown me a lot and maybe this is His way of saying where I thought He wanted me to go wasn’t His plan for me. Or maybe I am overthinking it as usual (haha)….I just…..nevermind……[Delete]
  7. “The greatest epidemic we have yet to conquer is ignorance.”-Anonymous
  8. “Knowledge without love destroys.” John Bevere
  9. I can’t…nope not going there
  10. The difference between hearing and listening is that only one has the desire to understand.”-KDP
  11. “How you treat others gives insight to how you see yourself.”-KDP
  12. I really wish I could be there more for my little brother D and sister Kiki but during this last visit my God has shown me that they are still paying attention and need me even when I think my impact is limited by distance.
  13. “Never confuse movement with progress because you can run in place and go nowhere.”-Denzel Washington
  14. “Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.”-African Proverb
  15. I know I will be alright. I’m way too hard on myself but We are working on it.
  16. I lied. There has been one consistent thought that has always had a clear beginning and end. “Jesus is the answer.”
  17. Maybe I will get back to this writing thing.

….

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Chapter 24

Posted on by KDP

There are times where I find myself wanting to hold on to the lies, betrayal, and ill intentions. Limiting communication sometimes becomes second nature when rejection is the reaction you understand the most. Wanting to keep close friends and family at a distance because those I wished were closer abused our relationship or vanished when I was at my darkest. It’s crazy how little things will trigger those memories and cloud my judgement. But I won’t give in. Those memories humbled me and brought wisdom to my life. I know I wasn’t perfect and now the want to forgive has overwhelmed my spirit. As I look to the heavens above I quickly remember the grace the Lord has shown me over the years. I thank God that my body didn’t give way to the damage and my heart healed enough to give life, love, and faith another chance. I’m thankful the few loved ones that stayed around accepted my unusual touch and pierced light into my darkness. I found what I truly believe to be lasting love in this world filled with so much hate. It’s funny how I only been actively seeking my Savior for a few years yet every moment where failure, destruction, or even death knocked on my door, He blocked the noise long enough for me to forget they were there.

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Vena Amoris

Posted on by KDP

I worry about this love I give and it doesn’t seem to be leading anywhere. Fear of loss limits his decisions while my impatience guides mine. Content seems to have set in and I don’t know where to go from here. I sin out of love, but is that love worth loosing His? Is the love he and I share become tainted? Is it wrong to start doubting a happy ending? I pray but my Father’s voice seems to drift further away from me as this weary mind entraps me. I hunger for time, answers, and Him yet I comfort myself with material things. There are days where I feel His spirit sit next to me and without saying a word, His Love calms this unsteady heartbeat. But other days, this heart becomes faint because I feel like I don’t deserve Him. So many blessings have come my way; however, I am ashamed of this lukewarm faith. What is the point of getting what I want if I don’t keep my Father near me? How do I restore this Love between You and I? Could you ever forgive this fickle heart of mine? Can We start anew?…With great sorrow I ask the Lord to speak to me. I am understanding more than ever that His Love isn’t just a safe haven for me, it is the very life I breathe.

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Gum

Posted on by KDP

So many of us spend our lives today trying not to offend the next person, not realizing we are slowly losing ourselves in the process. We try to be this good person that everyone sees and act like their approval will save us. We hear but we don’t listen. We say so much and nothing in the same breath. Our goals and passions are superficial because of what we want others to see. Logical situations and ideas are not really logical, they’re common, so that’s what we go by. If we really want to make a difference then why do we try so hard to please? I mean not one of the men God chose was immune to earthly scrutiny, so why would anyone base their accomplishments off of how many people acknowledge them? Like one’s body, you get out what you put in. Unfortunately, it seems like chewing gum still remains the popular trend. So sweet at first bite, the flavor and enjoyment lasts only for a moment. Slowly sucking out the sustenance within our bodies and leaving our stomachs empty, we fail to realize the infection we have created within our minds. Damaging each other just to keep from growing up, but so quick to help when someone asks us for a piece of gum.

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A New Day

Posted on by KDP

So many times my silence and clouded eyes were unpredictable and the darkness that surrounded the light appeared to be inevitable. 

But with each new day I embellish my mind with this thought of this new beginning. This new journey; seeing as living in the shadows is no longer comforting.

Prayer has become my new norm even when my heart beat elevates. I find solitude in knowing my Savior although sometimes I can’t seem to explain my pain. 

I am thankful for each sunrise and humbled by the sunsets. Time has brought a new meaning of living and I try my best to bask in each moment.

Memories have become meaningful as laughs are filled with joy. My spirit has calmed, no more raging noise.  

Letting go and letting God is healing more than just wounds…it is healing my soul. I walk to Him on my own, but know I am never alone. 

Although human flaws continue to follow me, I remain of good faith. Something about knowing that my sins don’t define me gives me strength.

Even in the mist of error, I keep His promise close. His Love has no limits, no boundaries, and that’s what I hold on to the most. 

I have learned to listen to this world in a different tune. More importantly, I have learned not to start each day looking in my rearview.

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Tired

Posted on by KDP

​Why do I feel like the more I try to hold on to faith, the more I seem to lose it? The more I ask him to walk with me the more he wants to refuse.

I focus on the small things in the dark and not paying attention to the light. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, the young woman I see is not I.

My mission, my purpose grows further away. I am too impatient and clueless to what is going on. I doubt I will ever be ready.

Been bruised so many times I don’t know when to take a chance at life. I bet He is getting tired of all this whining.

I see happiness around me but can’t discover my own. And the things I want the most seem long gone.

But I am too curious to let go. That seems to be the only thing that is keeping me afloat.

I know it takes time but I don’t want to lie to myself either. This is hard and sometimes I just wonder if You are listening.

I’m tired of these feelings and I don’t want to be angry, but Lord I ask…What do you want from me!!!!????

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Saved by the “Book”

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Inhale….The sounds of the music; my music, playing in the background. Oh how it soothes my soul. And as I read the beautiful, yet sometimes perplexing, Words from the Man above, the music begins to fade. The soft sound of my heartbeat takes over and comfort seeps through the pores of my skin. I am at ease and all my troubles slowly echo away into the distance. The concern of a mental relapse can resurface, but none of that matters now. It is our time; my God and I. Our bonding time that we share with no interruptions. We have our own special conversation. Verbal and non-verbal. I may not understand all the ways in which He speaks to me or even all the underlying messages within the Book as I read, but I know He is there. He is always there! Knowing that at first gave my goosebumps but now I am appreciative of His good grace. My God, You are truly amazing in every way. Even the devil himself knows this which is why he tries so hard to break me; however, You my Lord have never forsaken Your children. Accepting God into my life has been the greatest decision I could ever make, though it was not easy. I took a gamble and hit the biggest jackpot in which no human being or earthly machine could dispense. Now though music does soothe my soul, it is only temporary. The love of God and His mercy will follow me forever. Music cannot go everywhere with me. But no matter where I walk, the foot steps of the Lord are right beside me. As I read through the pages, whether it be 5 minutes or an hour, He is guiding me through every word. And when I feel weak or afraid, He wraps His arms around me ever so gently. God has done more than just soothe my soul, He has saved it. I would encourage anyone to pick up that same Book; the Bible. It is a lifesaver, transformer, deliverer, and it will not disappoint. The only requirement is you…. Exhale….Amen