My heart caves in as I listen to his cries. I feel helpless to his pain. All I can do is cover the wounds, but Lord it is You that he needs. I can only wipe away so many tears before he starts to become numb to my efforts. And as he cries out to You, I follow his lead because his wounds are overwhelming me. So much pain for one to bare. Lord I am trying to understand Your reasoning behind this man’s despair? I pray constantly for his healing. He doesn’t feel as though he was meant to lead and he doesn’t believe he will find peace. He feels as though he has sacrificed so much, including friends and family, only to gain so little. It is becoming harder to show him the truth that lies behind those regular thoughts. God help me to become the strength he needs. Help me bring his worries at ease. Reach out to him and let him know You are here and You hear his cries. I do try to tell myself that there is triumph waiting on the other side, but as the days go by, I start to feel the need to take blame for his many restless nights.
Tag: love
Warm Skin
It is not often that your mind and body are at one so you contemplate. How do I proceed? Honest affection has become sexual greed. Even love between two good souls can still bring about a destruction end. Once you’ve moved the palm of your hand softly across their gentle skin, your mind convinces you that there is only one way to go from here. As your temperature rises, there is a slight hesitation. Do you keep caressing their body while admiring their beauty? Or do you stop in efforts to protect this sacred being from your poisoned ideology? As your subconscious tries to process these questions your eyes has already made a decision for you that you can’t seem to resist. So soft, so warm, so nurturing. They too have become susceptible to your touch. You don’t want to stop and why should you? I mean what’s wrong with exploring the physicality of the one you are in love with?… As you start to drown yourself in an ocean of lustful bliss, your mind sends you into the depths of a spiritual dilemma. Yes this beautiful skin is too tempting to ignore, but is it worth the guilt you will soon endure?
Freeing myself
That moment when you realize that no matter how many people you surround yourself with, you still end up alone and mentally isolated. You try to turn your brain off for one second…just one…to enjoy life but all it does is make things more obvious. So then you just let that feeling build until you have no choice but to let your heart and mind collide. Hope and faith prevail but painful memories still like to take a seat next to us every once in awhile? I always wondered what it would feel like to finally be free from oneself. Its like you want to really be happy for others, be your true self, and let go of the past but pain does what it does best and whispers in your ear about the unforgotten. So much energy and love is eagered to jump out of this woman’s body…I used to think I was the outcast, but with time has come the understanding that I may be doing the outcasting. Though my heart just wants to love, my mind is afraid to fully let it in.
Mi Amour
He is standing off in the distance admiring me. Even after so many years he still gets to me. I restrain from smiling, because I don’t want to make it that easy, and in the back of my mind I am wondering what keeps him interested. He gestures for me to walk along side of him; side by side as the sun begins to set. I hesitantly move towards his direction as he gives me his undivided attention. I can’t hold my crooked smile in anymore. He begins to act silly to break me out of this habit and even with everyone looking at him he doesn’t care. He never takes his eyes off of me. Little does he know that is one of the reasons I am drawn to him. Not the gifts he brings or the many places we traveled to together. It is his ability to keep a mind of his own no matter the setting. His attention is me and it shows beautifully. Nothing right now could kill this mood. As I draw near, he grabs my hand and playfully sings Maxwell’s This Woman’s Work. I can’t help but laugh while holding his hand tighter. He wins and he knows it, but he also knows I won’t admit it. I know moments can’t last forever but for once I wished time stood still.
Taming the Beast
Alone in my room my mind begins to ponder. Staring into space trying to find some answers within the depth of my confusion. I am stressed, but I put on an award-winning poker face. I pray to God for peace. Peace from this chaos that is tearing my soul apart. Peace from this hesitate spirit within me that is too afraid to let go. This burden I put on myself is weighing me down. God asks me, “Why do you harbor so much pain my child? Why won’t you give it to me?” My only response is silence. I have no idea but for some reason I feel I am helping Him by not giving Him all this baggage. I am creating this beast inside convincing myself it is for protection, but in reality it is only draining life from my body. I want to give up but this little thing called faith keeps reminding me of the His love for me. I have never stumbled or fallen without Him being right beside me reaching out His hand. However, as I continue to lay there, my heart grows heavy because this path of faith can be difficult to stay on. As I close my eyes, my heart slows down but my stress remains high. Lord give me peace and save me from the one who stares back at me!
Interconnections
I want your love,
I want your pain,
I want your light in the darkest of days.
I need you here,
I need you near,
I need you now more than ever.
I love your faith,
I love your strength,
I love how you make me feel strong when I feel weak.
As my partner,
Or as my friend,
As an interconnection to finding myself within.
You bring me joy,
You bring me hope,
You bring out a part of me that I never knew before.
I thank the Lord for these connections.
I thank the Lord for our progression!
Dressed in Red
There is this woman clothed in red. Her smile is vibrant and her appearance is golden in the eyes of her partner. He loves her when she has this appearance and she knows it. He treats her like his queen and makes sure she has everything she needs. He wants to love all of her. She carries her smile because it makes him happy. But behind her smile is pain. This is his look for her and not her own. It hurts her to know that she only can get his full attention when she is dressed in this beautiful red. Usually he is expressing what he doesn’t like about her appearance at that moment. He doesn’t really want to kiss or touch her much and when she asks he says the same things over again. Her hair isn’t “done”, her clothes are not “girly”, and she doesn’t wear “enough” heels. Inside she already struggles with physical insecurities and slowly he is drowning her with criticism. Nothing she does to change her appearance is acceptable, except when she wears that red! She understands he wants her to always look beautiful, but she tries to explain how she shouldn’t be made to feel as though her beauty is primarily skin deep. She also knows he has a problem, a physical problem. He can be shallow but she doesn’t want to use that against him because she knows bad habits don’t die easily. She keeps hoping that maybe he will grow out of this and look at her again like before… She wants to dress up more but constantly being reminded makes her feel as though she is only beautiful when she looks a certain way. She cries and feels silly for it. Crying over a man’s perception of her? How silly right? Day after day, as she wakes up and looks beside her in the bed, she asks herself, “Will he ever walk in and smile at me again without wearing that red? Will I ever be able to pick out my wardrobe without his desires in the back of my mind? When will I be able to stop being so self-conscious about my appearance? Why am I here if I have been feeling this way for some time? Is there something I am missing? This can’t possibly be where this story ends..
The Journey Home
My two hands try to reach behind me as my feet continue to run forward. I want to take them with me, but I know I can’t because this is a journey that one must choose for themselves. As He continues to call my name, my heart cries out as I know it is time to let go. I don’t want to leave them but I have to. Then He shows me that the ones I hold closest to me are also the ones holding me back. Keeping me from truly grasping the grace and mercy of my Lord. Stuck in denial, my legs become heavy from trying to hold on. I slowly lose my grip and tears begin to fall. I can’t imagine doing this on my own. My Lord then speaks to me reminding me of the many times I felt broken but was still able to walk and the many knifes that stabbed me in the back yet I did not bleed. I hear the echoes of my name and I turn around one last time. “Please forgive me but it is time!” were my final words to them. The feeling of sorrow seeps through my veins just for a moment. I love them deeply but that love doesn’t compare to the love of the Most High and only through Him can my soul be delivered. Though this is a difficult decision, God has reassured me that my sacrifice will not be in vain. I start moving faster along this glory road now that my hands are free. The Kingdom is my destination. I may stumble a hundred times to get there but right next to me will be my Savior giving me His right hand and staying by my side as I take this not-so-alone journey. Through His love and mercy, my soul will be set free and one day I hope to hear the voice that says “Welcome home My child!”
Selfless Thinking
I just want to love those who care for me,
Hold those who appreciate my touch,
Smile with people who believed in my passion,
Fight for the ones who need me,
Comfort loved ones who are in pain,
Bring laughter to those who don’t judge my character,
Motivate others to follow their dreams,
Lend a hand to those who need help getting to their feet,
Provide my shoulder when they need something to cry on,
Give back to those who wanted the best for me,
And guide those who look up to me.
I just want to love!
But with all this selfless thinking, sometimes I forget…
I must first learn how to love ME!
Engulfed in Flames
Lust was the fuel, impulse was the match, and sin was the flames. As I stand in the middle of this roaring fire, my heart and mind are suffering from asphyxiation, yet my body is without injury. Temptation is what I want to pursue as my mind becomes more skewed. Physically I stand strong but emotionally I am wearing down. Temporary satisfaction is want my body yerns for. His love makes me long for more. So much time has passed since the last time we touched. Sinful thoughts run through my mind as my body becomes aroused with lust. The flames grow as I continue to ignite these emotions. Everything else around me is burning and ashes are filling the atmosphere. The only sounds I hear are the flames and a familiar voice crying aloud. Disobedience was never the motive I swear. I am setting my soul on fire by giving in to this temptation. Resisting those urges is my weakness but what is hurting me is not the guilt I feel for having these thoughts, but the fear of dragging you into this fire with me.
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