Tag: memories

Posted in Uncategorized

Fragile Storyteller

Posted on by KDP

It’s those sporadic mental pauses where my emotions begin to separate from my intuition

In less than one thought, the spiraling effect of disappointment in inevitable imperfection is grasping at my neck

So raw yet potent of an emotion overcomes my spirit and I have become trapped in a space where logic holds no grounding

My eyes start to believe exactly what they want to see. Applying discernment is neglected and mocked all for a little taste of rebellion and apathy

The ambiguity. The opportunity for deception and chaos. One strong grasp is all it would take to leave the burdensome responsibilities of “letting it go”.

No extension of grace. Just dive in with the faults. No more room for the noise yet it always feels welcomed. Knowledge cultivated but not disciplined.

Oh the power. Whoa the fragility. This intense rush of wanting to unleash verbal assaults is numbing the awareness and past mistakes of speaking prematurely

This psychological warfare. The cold embrace. It’s dangerously alluring. Tempting to want to dismiss my identity for the sake of misplaced intentionality

How do I always seem to find my way back to this? It is like the memories enjoy toying with my pride. So far removed from reality at times, forgiving self can only be imagined

Self-preservation from self. So much for reflection. Then again, the continuation of breath must mean something…

Posted in Uncategorized

It is not too often that I think about you, but when I do…

Posted on by KDP

So empty they have been; The darkness is very unsettling. Your eyes appear like black holes; What is this unstable phenomenon?

On one hand, I am angry at what seemed to be inevitable without proper intervention. On the other, I want to protect even the smallest amount of innocence that may remain in you.

What is needed to try and recover the hope left in you? At times even I have hope. Yes, I have hope for you. How much would change if we further assessed what has led to this? Would you even feel safe enough to process this?

I did not know what to do and we were unfortunately never taught how to embrace with grace, protect each other or forgive like our peers. The guilt may continue to weigh on my heart for a little while longer as I think back to those adverse childhood experiences.

Those rebellions now seem more like they were cries for help more than attention and I wished I could have been more receptive to you. But I too was a lost child that longed to be seen. A helpless witness, why did fear seem to mute my screams?

How could I have been more of the keeper that you needed? How could I have known and done better even though processing my own pain felt like it was running on E?

I love you and I continue to pray that one day we will both find peace and heal from these memories.

Posted in demons, family, mental, poetry, questions, relationships

Reading It Backwards

Posted on by KDP

How does one be a keeper of a home still filled with the aftershock of it all?

Why is there utter stiffness in one’s reaction to witnessing the beginning of what could be the end?

Where does one turn to when they are drowning in the fear of escalation?

When can one process the essence of safety when their innocence of childhood is fading in front of them?

What possesses a person to illuminate that devil-like presence in front of others?

Who is to blame for that lack of anticipation?

Posted in Uncategorized

3, 2, 1….

Posted on by KDP

I just want to shut it off sometimes. But if I do then how would I ever truly overcome it. There is such a strong and stubborn presence that it can be suffocating at times.

But I have to breathe.

Just take my time and breathe.

It will get better.

The memories may remain, but I will get better at responding to them.

Time alone will not heal all wounds, but He will.

Posted in Uncategorized

That…

Posted on by KDP

That unsettling thought where you want to just erase people from your memory because the traumatic memories can be too overwhelming at times.

That bitter taste in your mouth that comes and goes because it is hard for you to accept that there is no “fixing” the past.

That cold to the touch feeling you get every time you are reminded that time is limited and the only one who can keep you from your destiny is you.

That annoying voice that keeps telling you to “Let go and let God” when all you want to do is scream.

And then there’s that…

That stubborn mentality that refuses to give up and continues to prove that maybe there is more fight left in you to heal!

Posted in Uncategorized

Relapsing ThOUghTs

Posted on by KDP

I understand they may never fully go away.

I know the frustration, pain, and disappointment they bring can resurface any day.

I feel the urges to exhale the anxiety.

I acknowledge that me forgiving and letting go are not easy.

I want them to hurt the same way.

I realize my struggles are not unique.

I seek His love and guidance daily.

I remind myself someone could easily feel the same about me.

Posted in Uncategorized

Chapter 24

Posted on by KDP

There are times where I find myself wanting to hold on to the lies, betrayal, and ill intentions. Limiting communication sometimes becomes second nature when rejection is the reaction you understand the most. Wanting to keep close friends and family at a distance because those I wished were closer abused our relationship or vanished when I was at my darkest. It’s crazy how little things will trigger those memories and cloud my judgement. But I won’t give in. Those memories humbled me and brought wisdom to my life. I know I wasn’t perfect and now the want to forgive has overwhelmed my spirit. As I look to the heavens above I quickly remember the grace the Lord has shown me over the years. I thank God that my body didn’t give way to the damage and my heart healed enough to give life, love, and faith another chance. I’m thankful the few loved ones that stayed around accepted my unusual touch and pierced light into my darkness. I found what I truly believe to be lasting love in this world filled with so much hate. It’s funny how I only been actively seeking my Savior for a few years yet every moment where failure, destruction, or even death knocked on my door, He blocked the noise long enough for me to forget they were there.