Tag: mind

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Vulner-

Posted on by KDP

The desire for silence can become dangerously tempting in moments where I should be celebrating. In moments where I should be present.

Why do the sounds of certain pleasures feel so intolerable at times? When did this enticing portal of separation become so engulfed in flames of self-alienation?

How do I preserve the foundations of Love without sacrificing this level of comfort I get from the distancing? Surely it is possible to continue with this illusion just a little longer to avoid the potential fear of vulnerability that waits within.

Enough with the banter? It will not be long before shame and guilt start to settle in. Yes, silence is comforting in many ways. However, we both know the dangers of having certain things go my way.

Is the temporary enticement worth it? Is the vulnerability of being present that overwhelming? Or could this be a necessary disruption shown as a reminder that healing is never an endpoint but a journey.

Although my mind has become less settling in some ways, the mi-NOOT awareness of triumph may root itself one day.

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pRoNe To ErOrR

Posted on by KDP

Drowning in thought is such painful experience. At times I feel paralyzed in a negative state of mind. Just the thought of someone potentially lying, hurting, or deceiving me sends my mind into this dark abyss. I know this darkness is generational which is why I pray constantly for the Lord to take it from me. I want it to end with me. Another innocent soul shouldn’t have to live with this tainted blood of mine. Sometimes I get so trapped that I black out and feel as though my spirit has left me. I don’t know when I will ever be free from this. If only people knew the thoughts that haunt me. Tears fall but I don’t want or feel sympathy for myself. This mental and emotional madness is trying to corrupt me but my God, I know that You will save me!

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No More Fighting

Posted on by KDP

Hesitance traps my mind as my body becomes stiff. The answers I seek are clear yet why do I stand still? Why do I keep finding myself in these situations? Questioning the answers I have prayed for over and over again. Why do I let fear enslave me? What is it about change and progress that causes me to challenge my destiny? Is it the potential destructive and manipulative ability this mind can achieve what I fear? The parallel relationship of its power and vulnerability reveals the malleability of my current state of being. I feel so much pressure and responsibility being added to these exhausted feet, but the more I try to fight it, the harder it becomes to see. My reluctance is making me weak. Resistance has become tiring; I must let go. I have to surrender if I hope to reach His throne. 

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Reach

Posted on by KDP

I reach for the light as my Father becomes more distant to my eyes. I scream yet no sound leaves my lips. Tears only add to the depth of this ocean I have created so no use in crying. My mind gradually sinks into the darkness while my heart beat begins to race with time. My lungs give way to the pressure as one standing memory flashes before me. But just when I thought He was getting tired of saving this lost soul, I hear a loud voice say, “My child, reach!”

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My Little Puppet

Posted on by KDP

Temporary trials overshadow the blessings I receive. Smiling on the outside is convincing when your audience is consciously blind. I am a puppet of my own mind while the lack of confidence is pulling the strings. Being your own prisoner is depressing but it’s when you become aware of that entrapment that you start to feel insane.

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12am

Posted on by KDP

I sit here in deep thought wondering what my next move is. While part of me wants to pick up the pieces from the past, the other part is trying to create this new path of growth. Faith is still there, although doubt tries to linger in the shadows. I reminisce about the old me; trying not to bring back the old me. God tells me that I am in good hands so I remind myself to not worry. But it would be much easier if I could get this mind of mine to stop over thinking.