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Today

I have come to accept that how I cope with the death of loved ones may not really change.

The way I acknowledge and accept it is an unfortunate expedited process.

I do not like it yet I cannot stand to prolong it.

Why dwell on the numbness? Why ponder on the what if’s?

It is. It was.

It does not bring them back and the tears have been spent.

However, the death of self has been painfully annoying to say the least.

Why do I fear this? This internally persistent uncertainty can be daunting.

No matter the truth, there remains an unsettling hesitation.

Lord, please forgive my doubt.

Yes, I know we have been through this.

Progress feels slow at times but I know this transparency is a part of that.

I am not deserving of Your grace.

Help me to calm my spirit and become more disciplined in this pursuit.

I am not sure what tomorrow may bring, but today I choose YOU!

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Interconnections

I want your love,
I want your pain,
I want your light in the darkest of days.
I need you here,
I need you near,
I need you now more than ever.
I love your faith,
I love your strength,
I love how you make me feel strong when I feel weak.
As my partner,
Or as my friend,
As an interconnection to finding myself within.
You bring me joy,
You bring me hope,
You bring out a part of me that I never knew before.
I thank the Lord for these connections.
I thank the Lord for our progression!

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The Tortoise and the Hare

Sometimes I feel like God is the tortoise and I am the hare. I get completely lost in thought on what I want my next step to be and what He needs it to be. I run as fast as possible thinking the important thing is finishing first; and when I know I am physically able to do so, there is no changing my mind. I think I have things all figured out and planned, but somehow still manage to finish last. All of that running for what? Disappointment in the eyes of God? This cannot be right… As I think things over and actually put some thought into what happened, I realize I had it all wrong. He clearly wanted to show me something. What I thought was one of my greatest strengths is actually one of my greatest weaknesses. Seeking the easy route and racing to get things done has led me astray and even made my situation worse than before. And the worse part is that I know the best route is usually the hardest, yet I still allow my stubbornness and impatient ways to cloud my judgment and make decisions for me. I never understood why I rushed myself to get some things done.  I want fast results but forget that time, persistence, and passion are required. God showed me that the fast track is not the answer and I need to slow down and take things one step at a time. Rushing a process or goal leads to many avoidable mistakes and regrets. When I go looking for a fast and easy change, more chaos is what I usually get. If I would have taken my time, I wouldn’t have passed the answer I needed early on in the race. I have learned in life that most accomplishments take time and do not just happen overnight, no matter how “fast” I am. The best results come from the quality of my effort. Small trots are more rewarding than giant leaps. If there is no patience and quality effort during my progress, then how could I ever expect to gain anything great from it? I should not feel bad if only small steps are being taken. I need to remember that it is progress, regardless of how far I got. I am closer to my goal than before and that is what matters. Relying on my own understanding will set me up for failure. Life is more enjoyable when you know you put in the effort to get where you are today and allow God to direct your steps. Everyone has their own pace and we all have different goals and destinations. So why determine my steps based on someone else? Plus learning the hard way sucks. Guess I will keep that in mind the next time I try to challenge the timing of God’s plan.