I misspoke before when it was my purpose I thought I needed an answer to. It was my position in which I still seek understanding. We all have the same purpose which is to serve and glorify You and be disciples to Your children. But how we achieve that, is the only difference. I am not sure why I allowed that to get to me. Unfortunately, the ambition and patience were definitely conflicting with each other. Smh at myself but I’ll be alright. Learning is part of the journey…..Although I may not know exactly what position my Father wants to use me in, I will worry no longer and trust that it’s going to be dope (haha)!
Tag: purpose
The Daydreamer
What the future holds and what I hope to accomplish in my community are never too far from my prefrontal cortex. And even with the excitement of the possibilities, there is also this feeling of anxiety. So many things I am good at but not one sticks out to me as THAT thing. That thing that God targets and builds that stands out from all the rest. That thing in which it is clear what your calling is. That thing that doesn’t send me drifting into uncertainty. It always appears that others have that one distinct thing, but then there’s me.
Sometimes I daydream of what could be or what is to be. And although I am forever grateful, is being a good wife and student all there is to me? Yes, that may sound crazy and Lord I ask you to forgive me. I ask that You please help this daydreamer to see beyond just some blurry images that resemble trees.
Remembering Who I Am
Encouraging, mentoring, and loving are just apart of who I am and what I do. But lately, at times, it seems like I don’t have the energy to keep on giving. Compassion fatigue has been annoyingly knocking at my residence and although it can be very tempting to let it in and complain, I thank God for providing me with the opportunity to help others. It is not easy for everyone to just love I understand that and being able to maintain that momentum isn’t easy, especially when 1) you have your own life to live and a million other things on your plate and 2) the feeling isn’t always returned. Yes, it gets overwhelming at times, but I have a responsibility that I must fulfill. I try to make sure I am not giving so much that I forget to take care of myself during the process which is the reason I keep my Father close. Over the years, I have watched some of the most broken and dark-hearted people become successful individuals as a result of my love. Some of my proudest days are not found in the moments that I helped them or when they accepted my help. My proudest days are when they actually appreciate it and extend that love to others they feel are in need. One of the greatest feelings in the world for me. I understand that serving requires selfless thinking and unconditional love. I guess the purpose of this message is to encourage and remind those who can relate to these moments to remember who you are. It is more than you, it is more than me. It has always been about Him.
Tired
Why do I feel like the more I try to hold on to faith, the more I seem to lose it? The more I ask him to walk with me the more he wants to refuse.
I focus on the small things in the dark and not paying attention to the light. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, the young woman I see is not I.
My mission, my purpose grows further away. I am too impatient and clueless to what is going on. I doubt I will ever be ready.
Been bruised so many times I don’t know when to take a chance at life. I bet He is getting tired of all this whining.
I see happiness around me but can’t discover my own. And the things I want the most seem long gone.
But I am too curious to let go. That seems to be the only thing that is keeping me afloat.
I know it takes time but I don’t want to lie to myself either. This is hard and sometimes I just wonder if You are listening.
I’m tired of these feelings and I don’t want to be angry, but Lord I ask…What do you want from me!!!!????
Pain
The mental pain I feel is wearing me down. It always seems to come at the worst time. Easy to feel yet difficult to control. I don’t know why I feel like this, but whatever the enemy is trying to do to me, unfortunately it seems to be working. All I want to do is cry and crawl in a corner as these shackles begin to tear the skin off my ankles and wrists. The feeling of hopelessness is wrapping tighter and tighter around my neck. I just want to throw in the towel and finally breathe. One moment I think I am fine then the next I am scrambling trying to find just a little bit of hope. I would give anything right now to just be able to clear my head and start anew. My thoughts have been lethal and I don’t know if I can break through them. I try so hard to be positive and strong but constantly find myself back to square one. Insecurites, doubt, and fear of judgment continue to follow my every move. And that isn’t even the half of it. Sometimes I ask myself what is the point? I feel like I am mentally going insane and I just want everything around me to STOP! What am I here for? I don’t see my purpose or a reason for my existence. What can I possibly bring to the table that no one else can? Sometimes I try to convince myself that I am only doing things in my life to give it some kind of meaning. Maybe I have just fooling myself into thinking I am a good person, friend, and partner. I know these thoughts are wrong but this pain has become unbearable. And what makes it worse is that I honestly don’t know where it came from or when it started. I was seriously doing well, or at least I thought. Then out of nowhere this happened. Relapses are common, but this is too much. All I know is that I am trapped in a place where I fear I may not make it out of. Why do I feel this way? Why am I so weak? Why do I continue to cry? God please help ME! God please take this pain away! I can’t take it. I can’t do this…
Bleeding Endless Love
So much love traveling through these arteries with no specific destination. Full of life that not everyone welcomes but that is ok. But still this love keeps pouring through my skin, hoping to warm the hearts of others who will allow it. I don’t want any bandages; these are pores that I choose to let bleed endlessly. Traveling through my body like a never ending cycle of poetic liberations. Why should I limit this love that has helped so many whether they acknowledge it or not? This is who I am and not everyone has the privilege to have a gift like mine. I do not worry about getting anything in return. I am humbled and replenished just by the positive impact I bring upon others. My value on this earth will not be in vain for my God has told me so. He has made me into His own image He knew was best for me and I am glorifying His name for it…Slowly starting to put the pieces together on my purpose in this world. As long as these pores keep bleeding, this love will forever warm the hearts of those around me.
What is Your Silver Lining?
Hello,
My name is Kiara LaSha` Diggins-Parker. I have a tendency to question everything around me. I fear that the moment I get attached, the overwhelming joy I feel would be short lived. I let my caring nature get the best of me sometimes and can become mentally unstable due to how I interpret others actions and words. I will over think those interpretations and allow that to make me feel worse than I should. I am very anal about organization and time management, which may not seem like a big deal, until you’ve had experiences where those small things caused a noticeable distance between your relationships with others. My patience is more that of a needle in a haystack. Generational demons continuously taunt me. I have hurt many with my words out of anger, frustration, and just plain ignorance. I have followed behind other followers. I have judged many while making excuses for myself. I have cheated people out of the opportunity of loving me and showing how much they care about me; all because I assume they will be just like the rest. I guess what I am trying to say is that…I got a lot going on with me and I am not proud of those things. But wait there is more. I have a tendency to put others before myself. I lack confidence in verbal communication and I am still insecure of my physical appearance. I can keep going but before I digress let me get to the point. If someone as confusing and broken as I, can find restitution and be still worth using in the eyes of God, then I am sure we all can find that peace in the mist of our storms. As simple as it may seem, if you are alive there is a reason for it. Every breath you take will not be in vain. There is always a brighter side to a situation, and there is always a bigger purpose behind our lives. So I ask, what is your silver lining?
P.S. Your silver lining is coming (if it hasn’t already) and it will be so awesome when it does! We are all amazing human-beings in our own way. Embrace and love the renewed you!
Love,
KDP
TheKiaraProject 