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Today

I have come to accept that how I cope with the death of loved ones may not really change.

The way I acknowledge and accept it is an unfortunate expedited process.

I do not like it yet I cannot stand to prolong it.

Why dwell on the numbness? Why ponder on the what if’s?

It is. It was.

It does not bring them back and the tears have been spent.

However, the death of self has been painfully annoying to say the least.

Why do I fear this? This internally persistent uncertainty can be daunting.

No matter the truth, there remains an unsettling hesitation.

Lord, please forgive my doubt.

Yes, I know we have been through this.

Progress feels slow at times but I know this transparency is a part of that.

I am not deserving of Your grace.

Help me to calm my spirit and become more disciplined in this pursuit.

I am not sure what tomorrow may bring, but today I choose YOU!

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My loudest silence….

I….I have so much to say yet no words leave these lips.

The fear of self still numbs my spirit.

Lord You know what it is I continue to struggle with.

It comes and goes with an force I can hardly describe.

Father I pray thee forgive these repeated transgressions I commit.

And although I know I am not worthy, through it all, You have shown me grace and mercy.

This is why You Lord will forever be my Savior, my Hope, my Paradigm.

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Freeing myself

That moment when you realize that no matter how many people you surround yourself with, you still end up alone and mentally isolated. You try to turn your brain off for one second…just one…to enjoy life but all it does is make things more obvious. So then you just let that feeling build until you have no choice but to let your heart and mind collide. Hope and faith prevail but painful memories still like to take a seat next to us every once in awhile? I always wondered what it would feel like to finally be free from oneself. Its like you want to really be happy for others, be your true self, and let go of the past but pain does what it does best and whispers in your ear about the unforgotten. So much energy and love is eagered to jump out of this woman’s body…I used to think I was the outcast, but with time has come the understanding that I may be doing the outcasting. Though my heart just wants to love, my mind is afraid to fully let it in.

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Self-Conviction of the Innocent

Hands cuffed without a thorough investigation. As I walked into the room, tension filled the atmosphere. Innocence was what I was there to proclaim but for some reason I felt my fate had already been chosen for me. I had no chance here. All I could do was pray that God give me patience and strength. The judge and jury’s eyes were screaming guilty before I even got to make my plea. Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty? As I try to make my case, anger slowly builds in my heart. I was already caving and they knew it. Tears fell as words became harder to say. My thoughts and my mouth were not communicating for some reason. Yelling was all the prosecutor gave me, wanting me to admit to something I did not do. I refused to give in and let them wrongfully convict me. But that pain and frustration I felt inside wouldn’t go away. If I could just get away to collect my thoughts and calm down. Unfortunately, it was too late. I reacted out of instinct and self-destructed. Everything then became quiet. As I looked around, blank faces stared back at me, the jury lowered their heads in disappointment, and the judge looked at me like I just made his job easier. There was one smile in the room and it was staring me in the face. That is what they really wanted. The truth was never their motive. Breaking me was. They knew I did nothing wrong. I just wanted better for myself but they saw it as me thinking I was better than them. Misery just wanted some company and went out of their way to get it. What makes this situation even worse, is that the blood running through their veins was the same that was running through mine.