Tag: survival

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It is not too often that I think about you, but when I do…

Posted on by KDP

So empty they have been; The darkness is very unsettling. Your eyes appear like black holes; What is this unstable phenomenon?

On one hand, I am angry at what seemed to be inevitable without proper intervention. On the other, I want to protect even the smallest amount of innocence that may remain in you.

What is needed to try and recover the hope left in you? At times even I have hope. Yes, I have hope for you. How much would change if we further assessed what has led to this? Would you even feel safe enough to process this?

I did not know what to do and we were unfortunately never taught how to embrace with grace, protect each other or forgive like our peers. The guilt may continue to weigh on my heart for a little while longer as I think back to those adverse childhood experiences.

Those rebellions now seem more like they were cries for help more than attention and I wished I could have been more receptive to you. But I too was a lost child that longed to be seen. A helpless witness, why did fear seem to mute my screams?

How could I have been more of the keeper that you needed? How could I have known and done better even though processing my own pain felt like it was running on E?

I love you and I continue to pray that one day we will both find peace and heal from these memories.

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A Road Less Traveled

Posted on by KDP

There was once a time where I felt like I couldn’t be myself. Like I was living a life through someone else’s lens. At times I would feel disgusted with myself for not using my voice. I hated the fact that I would not speak in fear of what others would think about me. The last thing I wanted to do was create a negative image in everyone’s head and disappoint anyone. Momma always said to protect your name and I guess I took it too close to heart because it resulted in others manipulating me and taking advantage of my quietness. That voice locked up in the back of my throat just wanting to get out but fear stood in the way. I remember how anytime I tried to stand up for myself, people would chastise me, so again I went into hiding. As I aged, I soon realized that my ability to stand outside of the crowd was not a mistake but a unique blessing. There was a time where my knowledge felt more like a tool for others and a burden to myself. Education was seen as an escape for me, not an advantage. I just felt as though we were all in the same boat but as I was rowing forward, they decided not to row at all out of comfort. Looking back, people used to only view me as someone who could get a degree. I found myself wondering how could someone who seemed so fragile throughout her upbringing survive in such a negative environment and cruel world we live in today? Fast forward to today, I look back at those memories not in anger, regret, or disappointment as I once did. I see them as building blocks to my growth. I am more than just a degree and have witnessed great changes in other’s lives around me by just being me. I have seen the great change in me. That is what makes me happy. That is what God has shown me! This isn’t a road traveled on by most but now I am starting to get a taste of why those who have don’t turn back.