Tag: thoughts

Posted in mental, mental dilemma, perceptions, poetry

Mirror

Posted on by KDP

Your movements are like an ocean without the tidal waves. You flow with calming persistence.

Your armor is that of steel plates that seem impenetrable. No earthly weapons forged can withstand the power of your resistance.

Your pride carries an unwavering tune that stifles all surrounding thoughts and opinions. What else can be said that is not already displayed?

The melodies of your heart shout with passion and, interestingly enough, some confusion. Almost as if you are demonstrating the essence of determination.

Your mind is awakened with eagerness to expand its potential. Turning the pages as if there is a neverending supply of unsaturated material.

The soft touch of your hands can bring motivation and hope behind possibilities. Can it be a matter of coincidence that they are most guarded in spaces that bring them peace?

Now even with that display of prowess, you still have yet to understand the truth behind the eyes you see. For some reason you are still left wondering how a smile and strength can hide one’s own incompetence to identifying their true greatness.

What more do you seek? What is there left to see? Could it be that this mirrored reflection is only a distraction from the timeless and subtle feeling of fear underneath?

Has it finally hit you that this method of protection and safety is obsolete? No need to ponder more on what is unknown, because at the end of it all what matters is Who you have known.

What is greatness without the acknowledgement that you will never be fully in control, especially when pushing beyond expectations can take its toll.

Why work so hard to show others your capabilities when you have yet to grasp the person you see? Home is where the heart is but what is home without Him in it?

Now I ask you again…what is your true conviction?

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Scratch Paper

Posted on by KDP

It’s not going through it that I tend to get caught up in; it’s what I might see at the end that can have me in a chokehold at times….

Walking away was my resolve. I surprisingly do not feel much guilt anymore (bad habit of mine). It’s just that the steps that have followed years later can at times sting a little….

I am aware that honey can run across these lips just as quickly as venom. Thankfully, the roots of my self control have matured and interestingly, my lips have never tasted sweeter until after being in this desert….

The words “Wife” and “Mommy” still feel so new. But then again, is it ever something you truly get used to? One thing is for sure, I work so hard because deep down I get scared of disappointing either of you….

This chronic daydreamer is just looking to ground her ambitious ideas anywhere that will allow them to flourish….

Writing has become more frequent  yet less structured and complete. One minute the feeling comes to me and the next I care not to finish the thought….

However, even with these incomplete reflections, I can still find peace….

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It Starts With Disarray

Posted on by KDP

The moment something is out of place,  the fixation begins. Why is this happening? What series of events led to this?

Neglecting the subtle signs of certainty, the mental torture ignites into this raging fire of discomfort and confusion.

Questions are becoming endless and answers seem to be too few and far between. The temptation to make an enemy out of nothing is a reflection of the strife consuming fragments of one’s being.

How does one just stop this? Let go of the push and pull that comes with the desire to just walk away from it all? How long after the darkness does light start to shine back in?…If it shines in.

The depths of moments like these expose a much more fragile, self-destructive  interpretation of this mishap. Five minutes have not even passed since the start of this turmoil and time again has left you behind.

Not surprisingly though, an overanalysis has once again evolved into an overreaction and in turn resulted in an overflow of self-doubt.

Lord maybe one day I will get it right and first look to You.

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Light it Up

Posted on by KDP

Naked in thought, I carry no more weapons

Clothed in transparency, I no longer seek perfection

Fixated on this blaze as it roars through the night sky

Oh what a surprisingly warm feeling it gives me on the inside

Where will the flames lead I care not to wonder

And these actions may come off initially as a reckless gesture

However, I promised myself long ago that if this moment dares to appear again

I would light it up without question

Its Greatness has been accepted and I look forward to the regeneration.

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That…

Posted on by KDP

That unsettling thought where you want to just erase people from your memory because the traumatic memories can be too overwhelming at times.

That bitter taste in your mouth that comes and goes because it is hard for you to accept that there is no “fixing” the past.

That cold to the touch feeling you get every time you are reminded that time is limited and the only one who can keep you from your destiny is you.

That annoying voice that keeps telling you to “Let go and let God” when all you want to do is scream.

And then there’s that…

That stubborn mentality that refuses to give up and continues to prove that maybe there is more fight left in you to heal!

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Relapsing ThOUghTs

Posted on by KDP

I understand they may never fully go away.

I know the frustration, pain, and disappointment they bring can resurface any day.

I feel the urges to exhale the anxiety.

I acknowledge that me forgiving and letting go are not easy.

I want them to hurt the same way.

I realize my struggles are not unique.

I seek His love and guidance daily.

I remind myself someone could easily feel the same about me.

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Volume 25 Issue 817

Posted on by KDP

I have been going back and forth to this blog for months. Do I write? How should I word these posts? Have I lost my desire to write? Are they really helping anyone (myself or others)? So many random and conflicting thoughts running through my mind with no clear beginning or end. Phrases…..quotes….incomplete sentences.

For example:

  1. It’s funny how we look at isolation and hiding as a protective measure but when just a little bit of light shines on us, scars appear and we become confused as to where they came from. Because in the darkness we hid ourselves from want we thought would harm us. We hid ourselves because we felt that was the best way to stay safe. We have become so blind that we don’t realize that we are also hiding ourselves from the truth. Fear kept us away from the true meaning of light. The love, hope, and nourishment of that Light…
  2. “If you find yourself always wanting more things then you will always find your glass half empty.”-KDP
  3. I hate that I haven’t found the courage to laugh and love some friends and family as I once did. I get around some of them and immediately it’s like the old pain and desire to forgive.
  4. “Fear is a dead end.”-Lisa Bevere
  5. “In today’s world, being true to yourself is becoming more socially unacceptable.”-KDP
  6. This toxic environment is getting to me. I pray for wisdom and patience because my motivation to continue this work left months ago. Greed and validation drives their selfish ways. God has shown me their true characters and intentions which has allowed me to set my many boundaries early before their darkness influenced me. I don’t want to be here and it has honestly been difficult trying to understand why I need to stay. Yes, I have met some amazing, God-fearing people at this place that have helped restore my belief but many of them will be leaving soon…….This learning experience has shown me a lot and maybe this is His way of saying where I thought He wanted me to go wasn’t His plan for me. Or maybe I am overthinking it as usual (haha)….I just…..nevermind……[Delete]
  7. “The greatest epidemic we have yet to conquer is ignorance.”-Anonymous
  8. “Knowledge without love destroys.” John Bevere
  9. I can’t…nope not going there
  10. The difference between hearing and listening is that only one has the desire to understand.”-KDP
  11. “How you treat others gives insight to how you see yourself.”-KDP
  12. I really wish I could be there more for my little brother D and sister Kiki but during this last visit my God has shown me that they are still paying attention and need me even when I think my impact is limited by distance.
  13. “Never confuse movement with progress because you can run in place and go nowhere.”-Denzel Washington
  14. “Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.”-African Proverb
  15. I know I will be alright. I’m way too hard on myself but We are working on it.
  16. I lied. There has been one consistent thought that has always had a clear beginning and end. “Jesus is the answer.”
  17. Maybe I will get back to this writing thing.

….

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pRoNe To ErOrR

Posted on by KDP

Drowning in thought is such painful experience. At times I feel paralyzed in a negative state of mind. Just the thought of someone potentially lying, hurting, or deceiving me sends my mind into this dark abyss. I know this darkness is generational which is why I pray constantly for the Lord to take it from me. I want it to end with me. Another innocent soul shouldn’t have to live with this tainted blood of mine. Sometimes I get so trapped that I black out and feel as though my spirit has left me. I don’t know when I will ever be free from this. If only people knew the thoughts that haunt me. Tears fall but I don’t want or feel sympathy for myself. This mental and emotional madness is trying to corrupt me but my God, I know that You will save me!

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this too shall pass

Posted on by KDP

Today wasn’t the best and homesickness has set in pretty bad. Comforting faces and personalities have been so distant, I feel like I’m still at the peak of withdrawal. However, I try not to let those sad thoughts seep beneath my skin because I understand why the absence is needed.  Although my heart will always want them near, at the end of the day, wanting You to be my first and last thought will always take precedence. 

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Reach

Posted on by KDP

I reach for the light as my Father becomes more distant to my eyes. I scream yet no sound leaves my lips. Tears only add to the depth of this ocean I have created so no use in crying. My mind gradually sinks into the darkness while my heart beat begins to race with time. My lungs give way to the pressure as one standing memory flashes before me. But just when I thought He was getting tired of saving this lost soul, I hear a loud voice say, “My child, reach!”