That moment when you realize that no matter how many people you surround yourself with, you still end up alone and mentally isolated. You try to turn your brain off for one second…just one…to enjoy life but all it does is make things more obvious. So then you just let that feeling build until you have no choice but to let your heart and mind collide. Hope and faith prevail but painful memories still like to take a seat next to us every once in awhile? I always wondered what it would feel like to finally be free from oneself. Its like you want to really be happy for others, be your true self, and let go of the past but pain does what it does best and whispers in your ear about the unforgotten. So much energy and love is eagered to jump out of this woman’s body…I used to think I was the outcast, but with time has come the understanding that I may be doing the outcasting. Though my heart just wants to love, my mind is afraid to fully let it in.
Tag: thoughts
Hollow
Home isn’t what it seems. Time seems to not have changed anything worth holding. Many conversations but they talk over me. What is belonging? My thoughts, my unrest are mines to bare. My heart stays conflicted and the love around me seems artificial. By default I am connected. My mind takes me to a place where I am all too familiar yet for some reason comfortable. At least I know what to expect is what I tell myself. The darkness invites me with open arms and sometimes I get to a point where I just want to go back to that empty space.
12am
I sit here in deep thought wondering what my next move is. While part of me wants to pick up the pieces from the past, the other part is trying to create this new path of growth. Faith is still there, although doubt tries to linger in the shadows. I reminisce about the old me; trying not to bring back the old me. God tells me that I am in good hands so I remind myself to not worry. But it would be much easier if I could get this mind of mine to stop over thinking.
Just a Little Rambling
The communication I long for is outside of my grasp. I know the Lord is pulling me to let it go and draw more to Him. Why I am fighting these spiritual demons with earthly weapons? These relationships will not solve all of my mental battles. And yet I continue to reach for it. Why has this become such a distraction for me? I find myself back to the drawing board with this want to stay connected to the ones I love. I regularly reach out, then quit, then reach out, then quit again. After a while, it feels more like a job or hobby rather than genuine communication since the connection is usually unidirectional. It is not that I needed it daily, but I did not realize an occasional response was so difficult to accomplish. And one would think if someone is making an effort to communicate then you would reciprocate it or at least act like it is appreciated….I can’t be the only one who loves to stay connected with loved ones and hates being the main one who has to initiate it.
Why is this even a problem? Why do I let it get to me? Trust me when I say that I ask myself this all the time. See I tried to tell myself that I would not be that stranger and if I could make someone else’s day brighter, then it would make me happy. But now I feel as though I was lying to myself hoping to understand who cares and who I should disconnect myself from. Maybe it has to do with my past struggles and how when I was at my lowest, I felt completely alone. Suffocating myself in depression, just the thought of going back to that state turns my stomach. I believe this is the biggest reason for my want to communicate regularly.
However, at this point in my life I feel as though I have better chances of freeing my mind of this waste if I did a lot of disconnecting until I can learn to just let things go and not feel like I need that type of communication in my life to get through the day. I have put this too high on a pedestal. If people really want to check in or talk they would do so. Jesus should be the only one I keep reaching for. His mercy and love are never a want and will forever be a need in my life. His word gets me through the day and our communication is never one way. There is only one passageway to Heaven and they are not it. No matter how much I love and feel the need to always connect with them. I just need to not want anymore.
Side Effects
Just the idea of being vulnerable makes your heart cringe. Being emotional is not okay because you know that is when you are most unstable. And you know how much you love to have control over your own life. Nausea sets in the moment you realize that accepting someone in your life also means taking on their baggage. You strategize all the possible ways to break down their walls, but forget you too have you own wall that needs broken. Seems like a never ending battle sometimes and half of the time you don’t even know why. And who wants to argue with someone as stubborn and prideful as they are? Sometimes you can’t stomach the very notion of letting someone else pry into your mind and uncover your deepest thoughts in order to build an intimate relationship with you.The idea of eventually sharing what you have worked so hard to achieve sends you running for cover. The possibly(and many times actuality) of getting your heart broken sends you astray. You don’t have time to be carrying around bandages for the wounds you may get from taking that risk. Sometimes you tell yourself it is better to be alone because it is less stressful and time consuming. Too many distractions and concerns. Plus you don’t always have to consider the feelings of another. You believe it gives you more time you focus on yourself. And in a way, you are absolutely right. But then it happens…
You cannot live without that warm touch from that significant other. Your heart continuously races as love for them grows stronger. Your bones become enriched with hope every time you look into their eyes. It is not something you planned and it hit you so unexpectedly. And now you crave for more. That smile, the same one you see every time, brightens you even when you seem to be at your darkest. Having that special someone know what you are thinking even when you can’t get your words out. Just having someone right there to talk and listen to, who understands you, pulls you in. That sense of wholeness you feel when you are with them, though everything else around you seems incomplete. There is no need to worry about fixing that damaged path of yours alone anymore because there is someone out there who willingly wants to help you fill in those pot holes. Those flaws you carry are within the very core of their reason for loving you. That inner beast inside you is now at peace. Many of those “concerns” of yours will still happen, but that love you feel is so fulfilling that you are willing to risk it all to keep it. Who you are and understanding what it means to love yourself is much clearer. As you mature, you find yourself preparing for a future with that person you tried to convince yourself before would cause too many distractions for you. New signs of life flow through your veins, because you know this can only be a blessing from God. One of your greatest fears has now become one of your most precious and cherished gifts. And to think, you were going to skip out on this amazing opportunity over a few side effects.
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