I just want to shut it off sometimes. But if I do then how would I ever truly overcome it. There is such a strong and stubborn presence that it can be suffocating at times.
But I have to breathe.
Just take my time and breathe.
It will get better.
The memories may remain, but I will get better at responding to them.
Time alone will not heal all wounds, but He will.
That unsettling thought where you want to just erase people from your memory because the traumatic memories can be too overwhelming at times.
That bitter taste in your mouth that comes and goes because it is hard for you to accept that there is no “fixing” the past.
That cold to the touch feeling you get every time you are reminded that time is limited and the only one who can keep you from your destiny is you.
That annoying voice that keeps telling you to “Let go and let God” when all you want to do is scream.
And then there’s that…
That stubborn mentality that refuses to give up and continues to prove that maybe there is more fight left in you to heal!
It was about 20 years ago when her first known traumatic experience occurred. This little girl I knew didn’t really understand what was going on, but had an uneasy feeling about it. That unfortunate event was suppose to set her down this life course of fear, pain, and destruction. That event was suppose to keep her quiet, meek, and locked in a dark box, accepting what others thought about her. That event was suppose to send her down the same path of generational hardships she thought she should be complacent with. That event was suppose to cripple her mind into believing she was to blame and she deserved the adverse effects. That event was suppose to pierce her heart and make her believe that Love was not written in her story….in her destiny. Twenty years later, I met with this now young woman for a much needed conversation. Although anxiety rushed through my veins and post-traumatic stress rushed through hers, we both knew the time had come. We sat down facing each other and as I took a deep breath, a subtle smile began to form on her face. I looked into her eyes and watched them well up with tears (of joy). My eyes too began to well up (but of grief). For some reason I wanted to apologize for not being the strong woman she needed for all those years. For a second, I felt as if I failed her some how. But she feels this and reaches over to put her hands in mine. I started to put my head down, but she immediately tells me to pick my head up. She then says, “Stop beating yourself up. They were wrong. He sees us, knows us, and Loves us. There is no more need to worry; we are doing well Kiara.” And then it happened…my nerves were finally at ease.
I sit here in deep thought wondering what my next move is. While part of me wants to pick up the pieces from the past, the other part is trying to create this new path of growth. Faith is still there, although doubt tries to linger in the shadows. I reminisce about the old me; trying not to bring back the old me. God tells me that I am in good hands so I remind myself to not worry. But it would be much easier if I could get this mind of mine to stop over thinking.
If love came knocking at your door again, would you let it in this time? If time had an expiration date on it, would you then make use of it? What if you could not get a second chance, would you try harder the first time? What if your options were limited, would you then choose wisely? What if telling that special person how you really feel was easier, would you still hesitate to tell them what they mean to you? How would you change your approach to the situation if you knew the end result before hand? Would your decisions be different if there were no repercussions? If you knew how long you had to wait to get what you asked for, would you then have more patience for it? What if a relationship was predictable, would you then try as hard to fight for it? If God’s purpose for your life did not include hardships, would you still run away from it? If loving someone was simple and did not include heartache, would you be more willing to explore it? If your life did not have an ending, would you still appreciate the true value of living it?
TheKiaraProject 