Lord I don’t want to do this.
I am tired of dealing with this.
I am no longer optimistic or hopeful.
I feel like I made a mistake or took too many wrong turns.
I don’t feel as though I have the energy I used to fight for this.
Sometimes it even feels like things are getting worse.
This is too much right now.
I want to give up so bad!
And yet, I find myself continuously getting back up and pushing forward.
To You.
My heart caves in as I listen to his cries. I feel helpless to his pain. All I can do is cover the wounds, but Lord it is You that he needs. I can only wipe away so many tears before he starts to become numb to my efforts. And as he cries out to You, I follow his lead because his wounds are overwhelming me. So much pain for one to bare. Lord I am trying to understand Your reasoning behind this man’s despair? I pray constantly for his healing. He doesn’t feel as though he was meant to lead and he doesn’t believe he will find peace. He feels as though he has sacrificed so much, including friends and family, only to gain so little. It is becoming harder to show him the truth that lies behind those regular thoughts. God help me to become the strength he needs. Help me bring his worries at ease. Reach out to him and let him know You are here and You hear his cries. I do try to tell myself that there is triumph waiting on the other side, but as the days go by, I start to feel the need to take blame for his many restless nights.
The mental pain I feel is wearing me down. It always seems to come at the worst time. Easy to feel yet difficult to control. I don’t know why I feel like this, but whatever the enemy is trying to do to me, unfortunately it seems to be working. All I want to do is cry and crawl in a corner as these shackles begin to tear the skin off my ankles and wrists. The feeling of hopelessness is wrapping tighter and tighter around my neck. I just want to throw in the towel and finally breathe. One moment I think I am fine then the next I am scrambling trying to find just a little bit of hope. I would give anything right now to just be able to clear my head and start anew. My thoughts have been lethal and I don’t know if I can break through them. I try so hard to be positive and strong but constantly find myself back to square one. Insecurites, doubt, and fear of judgment continue to follow my every move. And that isn’t even the half of it. Sometimes I ask myself what is the point? I feel like I am mentally going insane and I just want everything around me to STOP! What am I here for? I don’t see my purpose or a reason for my existence. What can I possibly bring to the table that no one else can? Sometimes I try to convince myself that I am only doing things in my life to give it some kind of meaning. Maybe I have just fooling myself into thinking I am a good person, friend, and partner. I know these thoughts are wrong but this pain has become unbearable. And what makes it worse is that I honestly don’t know where it came from or when it started. I was seriously doing well, or at least I thought. Then out of nowhere this happened. Relapses are common, but this is too much. All I know is that I am trapped in a place where I fear I may not make it out of. Why do I feel this way? Why am I so weak? Why do I continue to cry? God please help ME! God please take this pain away! I can’t take it. I can’t do this…
TheKiaraProject 