The point of my intentions felt kind of brushed over. Unfortunately, examples were paid attention to more than the actual message and key points. It was said that I didn’t acknowledge certain things when in fact I did. Although I tried to keep an open mind, I will admit that I still felt some resistance and misunderstanding. But as I held my tongue, I quickly realized that it is not my job to get someone to understand or respect my perspective. If someone doesn’t agree then that is okay. No need to fight or harbor anger. That just isn’t my responsibility to get them to see through my lens. It also isn’t my responsibility for them to take the time to get to know me versus making assumptions about my character. I did my part and that was be honest and open about my boundaries and struggles. I hope one day that could be understood but if not, I will be okay.
I also couldn’t quite understand how being different in how I communicate was a concern. I was judged as “standoffish”, but anyone who actually knows me knows that’s a lie because I have never been unfriendly or cold to others. Last time I checked being a naturally quiet person doesn’t equate to be standoffish. You judge me because certain dialogues you still have, that go against my faith, do not interest me anymore? I tried to be someone I wasn’t before, but that was depressing and just isn’t me and I wished that maturity was noticed. I guess I was a little disappointed in the effort made to understand my point of view in regards to that. However, I cannot get mad because that was their perspective and they have every right to their opinion. Just wished more respect was shown. Doesn’t make sense to have a conversation about a vulnerable issue when one laughs before the conversation even begins and even admits to skimming over your words. Then to project your narrative onto another instead of acknowledging what they were going through just adds to the frustration. Although I made it very clear and asked for those boundaries and triggers to be respected, once again I was being compared to others for no reason. My intent was to give an olive branch, but the effort was one sided and keeping the ball in my court apparently was easier for them.
And unfortunately, what I saw and heard didn’t surprise me and in the end, forgive is what I needed to do and forgive is what did. I forgave myself and them as well. I hold no anger in my heart. They have a journey and so do I. There have been many great things and people that have come into my life over the years and anything that was said that night will not dictate my happiness or peace. I can see that there was something God needed me to observe that night, although at times I was becoming doubtful of gaining anything useful out of this conversation. I realized that my desire to “restore” some relationships isn’t always needed and walking away is probably best. That isn’t my job and I had to move out of God’s way.
I realize that it’s okay to close the door sometimes in order to get your mind right. Lessons were learned and I will cherish the growth. Friends or not, I’m good. Love is still there because that is what my Father has taught me. I know who I am. If others want to learn that truth about me then that is their move to make (just like I took the time to get to know them). I did what I needed to do for me and I have no regrets. Opening up in a way that was beneficial for my growth is how I move forward. And honestly, it just felt good not to hold it in anymore or feel guilty for speaking up. I didn’t want to hold the pain against anyone anymore. I wasn’t trying to be right. I was trying to do what is right in His eyes. If friendship can strengthen from this point then great, but if not, it is something I am willing to accept. I rather have love in this heart of mine than have the darkness.
TheKiaraProject 